The dream "reunion" is right around the corner. . . . isn't it? For most military couples, the long-awaited reunion can bring some challenges along with the joy. Amy shares strategies for building relationships that last through deployments and beyond. Her role-playing exercises, personal examples, and team building strategies have helped military marriages, family readiness groups, and extended family members grow stronger through the deployment cycle. Amy shares her techniques for setting expectations and improving genuine communication, which contribute to the successful reunion. A humorous and understanding look at life after deployment is presented in a way that immediately improves relationships and offers encouragement for marriages that are experiencing great change.
Happily Ever After Combat
By Amy StevensAuthorHouse
Copyright © 2010 Amy Stevens
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4490-7665-8Contents
Chapter 1. Introduction........................................1Chapter 2. Operation Marriage..................................5Chapter 3. War and Marriage....................................11Chapter 4. Coming Home.........................................19Chapter 5. Tour of Marriage....................................23Chapter 6. The Family Mission..................................35Chapter 7. It Can Be Hard to Come Home.........................43Chapter 8. From War to Wonderful...............................51Chapter 9. How to Help a Military Family.......................53Chapter 10. Resources for Military Families.....................55References......................................................57About the Author................................................59Daily Reflections...............................................61
Chapter One
Introduction
After writing my first book, America's Hidden Heroes: Survival Tactics for the Families of our Military Forces, in 2004, my husband and I had a few short months together before he deployed to Iraq for another year. Upon his return, he become the Commander of a training battalion working with three states, and has remained very busy, traveling, and serving our country as a Texas National Guardsman at home and abroad.
During this time, I have interacted with thousands of military families through volunteer activities and speaking engagements, and have found the same topics and questions to be prevalent in the minds of most I talk with:
What should I prepare for when my spouse returns?
How do we get our relationship back?
When will things become normal again?
Why does my spouse act so differently?
Are we going to make it?
Over and over I have talked with, counseled, and given speeches or advice on these topics, and have been very moved by the number of people struggling with these questions and the implications of each to their marriage. I have been blessed to work with this audience, and only feel qualified to approach this topic because my husband and I agree that our marriage has never been stronger, more fun, or more cohesive as it has become over the last 5 years, two deployments, extensive separation, and extensive stress.
Taken with my recent graduate level coursework in counseling, I have managed to distill some key concepts and information that I believe is valuable in working on your marriage.
In order to give thanks appropriately, I would need an entire book to recognize everyone that has impacted me and my family over these years. I would like to honor my immediate and extended family, who have helped us every step of the way and gave me unbelievable encouragement and assistance when I was "alone". I am so blessed that my wonderful friends are too many to mention, to include my dear church family, elementary school parents and teachers, and neighbors. With all of these amazing people, God has truly shown me what love and service are through my experiences with them.
I would especially like to dedicate this book to my husband Brian, and our boys, JP and Hunter. You are the most incredible gifts to me, and I am forever grateful for you in my life.
Chapter Two
Operation Marriage
Before starting to provide advice, I felt it appropriate for the reader to understand a bit more about my story with Brian so that it can be demonstrated that I do understand what you may be feeling or going through. Brian and I were high school sweethearts, meeting when I was 16 and he was 17. We started as best friends, and eventually discovered that we really loved one another.
Although this story could now easily head into the realm of fairy tales, it is important that I share the reality of our "perfect" situation. When Brian graduated from high school in 1986, he enlisted in the Army and was assigned to the 1st Ranger Battalion. At that time, I was a junior in high school, so we decided that we would continue to see each other when he was able to come home, and that I would wait for him as long as necessary. After seven days of basic training, he asked me to marry him. We started our engagement as a couple separated for three years, with Brian traveling the world, spending extensive time in military schools and training, and with me attending college in our home town.
Once Brian left the Army after his three year enlistment, I had another year of college left to complete, and was not able to move. So we spent another year in different cities in Texas (although a lot closer than Texas and Georgia), and saw each other on weekends and holidays. Upon my graduation from college, we began the wedding plans and relocated to the same city. Living in the same city was fine, but Brian traveled constantly, and it seemed that we saw each other even less than before!
This continued in the early years of our marriage; with both of us traveling for work, and one particular year we found ourselves on opposite sides of the country on our anniversary.
I share this background information so that the reader understands that I was very capable, independent, and used to being on my own. So it may come as a surprise to learn that his deployment to Afghanistan was the hardest thing I ever had to do, and none of my previous experience really seemed to prepare me for it. With a two and four year old at home, I struggled to maintain our home, a career, and my sanity. It actually took me about six months to get back on track with my attitude and life, and I felt as if I had failed in some way because I was not the same person who could manage everything, feel great, and give to everyone else.
The realization hit me when he returned that I had experienced many situations that actually did prepare me for this type of separation, and I still struggled. How did this feel to others?
How do deployments impact the woman who has never really been away from her spouse?
Who has never had to be fully in-charge and now has to juggle all of life's demands?
Who may be dealing with sick children, parents, or her own health issues?
This is when I realized that I could not allow others to do what I did, and I knew that they need to know more upfront. I began a frantic search for information, but found at that time that there was not much available. There was some preliminary family readiness information and were some publications, but not a lot of organization to them, or specific information regarding how the deployments really feel to the family member. I felt that we didn't need military briefings ... we needed support, guidance, and encouragement for what we were going through.
Thus, the first book was born.
Writing it was actually very simple, as I just wrote what I wished I would have known. Then it spilled out of me. Publishing it, however, was not simple, as I was scared to put my feelings in print, and didn't want to come off as a "know it all" or be criticized. But Brian read the proof and was very moved. He said he never realized what it was like for me and how much I and other spouses had to deal with; and he insisted that it be published.
For those readers who are preparing for or currently experiencing a deployment, I might recommend the first book: Encouragement for America's Hidden Heroes: Survival Tactics for the Families of...
