To all adoptive parents whose yearning for a child enabled you to persevere, even in your darkest days when you thought it would never happen and the system seemed cold and uncaring. They say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but, in our case, it very nearly did-and the ramifications continue. Has this journey been a blessing or a curse? The jury's still out on that one, as our lives continue to hold pockets of love and joy amid chaos and desperation. Lest you think our experience with the British adoption system was because we were gay, we include our friend's story at the conclusion of ours; her tale is just as frustrating and gut-wrenching. Though we know there are many inspiring and happy adoption stories out there, we still must say to anyone considering adoption: Be prepared and beware!

Auszug. � Genehmigter Nachdruck. Alle Rechte vorbehalten.

Heartbreak and Happiness

A Gay Couple's Sojourn Through the Perils of Adoption

By Jonathan Merrick

Balboa Press

Dedication, vii, 
Introduction, ix, 
River's Story, 
Preface, 3, 
Chapter 1: All Journeys Begin Somewhere, 5, 
Chapter 2: Sweet Sixteen and a Little Beyond, 8, 
Chapter 3: Where Do I Go Now?, 10, 
Chapter 4: How to Make a Baby (with the Local Authority), 13, 
Chapter 5: Who's the Daddy? — Fumbling in the Dark, 16, 
Chapter 6: Tell Me Everything — and I Mean Everything!, 22, 
Chapter 7: Final Approval, 26, 
Chapter 8: False Starts, False Hopes, and Loss, 29, 
Chapter 9: New Growth Amid the Rubble of Lost Hope, 31, 
Chapter 10: Further Growth and Encroaching Weeds, 34, 
Chapter 11: The Blossoming of Love Despite the Frost, 37, 
Chapter 12: Onwards and Upwards — Married with Children, 40, 
Chapter 13: Daddy and Daddy on the Naughty Step, 42, 
Chapter 14: A New Place, A New Opportunity, 45, 
Chapter 15: Going to School the Adopted Way, 48, 
Chapter 16: Fumbling in a Forward Direction, 52, 
Chapter 17: Living in the Shark Tank, 56, 
Chapter 18: Catch a Falling Star, 58, 
Chapter 19: So This is the Next Chapter, 60, 
Discarded Leaves — River's Collection, 
A New Family, 69, 
Life, 70, 
Strong Bones, 71, 
Wisdom, 73, 
Love, 74, 
Turtle's Story, 
Preface, 79, 
Chapter 1: The Beauty of Hindsight, 81, 
Chapter 2: Awakening Only to Dream, 84, 
Chapter 3: Founding Our Family, 87, 
Chapter 4: A Nightmare Reality, 89, 
Chapter 5: Starting Over Again, 91, 
Chapter 6: Afterwards, 93, 
Speckled Pebble's Story, 
Preface, 97, 
Chapter 1: Creating Life From Stone, 99, 
Chapter 2: Every Pearl Needs Agitation, 102, 
Chapter 3: Religion, Philosophy, and a Little Tolkien, 106, 
Chapter 4: No Rest for the Wicked, 109, 
Chapter 5: The Eaglet Stumbles from the Nest, 113, 
Chapter 6: When the Mountain Collapses on Mohammed, 117, 
Chapter 7: A Different Kind of Roller-coaster Ride, 125, 
Chapter 8: Ups and Downs, 129, 
Chapter 9: Twists, 134, 
Chapter 10: ... and Turns, 139, 
Chapter 11: Vertigo, 144, 
Chapter 12: A Cure for Travel Sickness, 150,

CHAPTER 1

All Journeys Begin Somewhere

What started as a journey to complete our family turned into a quest that would try our very souls, affecting every decision we made and have yet to make.

I met my partner in August 2003. Our meeting was destined — we later discovered we had often been in the same places at the same time, but till then our paths hadn't crossed. When we first began chatting, I knew we were meant to be together.

I was born in one of the outer boroughs of London in the late 1970s. I think, in their heart of hearts, my parents knew I was different from my siblings.

I loved spending time in my own imagination. I loved school and everything it represented. I was the middle child in a middle-class family. We always seemed to be able to go on holiday, even if it were only to Butlins, Pontins, and all the holidays that you can get for cheap out of the paper.

My parents were also very good at ensuring that we only knew what we needed to know. My dad clearly loved us but could not express his emotions. This ability came years later and is something I will always cherish. He was born at the end of the war to parents who only tolerated each other.

My granddad was very good at altering his memories. I thought that he had fought in the war and that he had single-handedly supported the allies. Well, that was my childhood memory. According to my dad, Granddad had, in fact, been a watchman who checked for any fires at the local gasworks. It did make me laugh. It is a strange coincidence, but as I write this, I remember that he died twelve years ago today, so here is a drink to you, Granddad!

My nan had died ten years previously, and although my dad told me that they never really got on, I don't think Granddad ever got over her death. He went to stay with a relative for what was supposed to be two weeks and ended up staying years.

My mother's parents were very different. Grandfather died when I was about two, so my memories of him are sparse. Nan used to tell me that he spent a lot of time with me, as I was a sickly child born with health concerns that continue to follow me. But without these health issues, I would not be the person I am now. Nan was a formidable lady, who was a nurse for a time and who was used to getting her way. I think my grandparents had their problems, but Nan would never admit to that. She outlived my grandfather by thirty years and only recently passed away. I miss her greatly, and I have visited her grave many times. I have also been working on my family tree, and I am enjoying discovering more about her family.

Our family moved several times, the last being when I was about eight to be closer to my grandparents. When I started school, I met someone who is still a very special friend. I spent many happy years in that old Victorian school and a great deal of time with my grandmother, who, although old to my childish eyes, retained a delightful, witty personality.

When I think back, I recall the old person smell that she always had — you know the smell I mean. She told tales of her youth and her career and also stories about my grandfather. We often used to walk by an old house of hers that overlooked the beach. It had a huge sitting room, and I recall a square wooden table in the bay window where we used to sit, eat, and play games. Despite her age, she exerted an influence over my aunts and uncles. My homework was always done on time, and people used to call me a swot, but I didn't mind. I spent many happy years at that school and then at the local secondary that my siblings, aunts, and uncles had attended. It has since been knocked down, and a new school has been built in its place, but I remember the happy times and, in particular, two teachers who supported and inspired me.

One was an Australian English teacher, who, though only at my school for a year, really taught me to enjoy English and reading. I kept in touch with her after she left, and although there was a long gap, we have recently reconnected. School was a haven for me; it was a special time in my life when I enjoyed learning and meeting with dear friends, who taught me a lot about myself and about who I wanted to become.

Growing up, I used to look at people and wonder what they were thinking and whether I was like them. I used to think about getting married and about having children. But, somehow, I knew I was different and my life would not turn out in the way I had planned.

CHAPTER 2

Sweet Sixteen and a Little Beyond

My sixteenth birthday was a day to remember as the only thing I wanted was a gold wedding band. A strange present to some, and even more strange to my parents, but they gave it to me. I loved it, and when people used to ask about it, I said it was because I would never get married. I had always said that I would never get married; it was a feeling I had shared with my parents.

I still have this ring, but I did eventually meet someone to spend my life with and to marry.

After I left school, I was chronically tired and very ill. After a battery of tests that ruled out everything else, I was diagnosed with ME, or...

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