Please correct the title to"Instructions Not Included"

Instructions Not Included

Learning and sharing parenting skillsBy Martha D. Matteson

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2009 Martha D. Matteson
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4389-9405-5

Contents

Instructions Not Included...............................................viiThe Adoption Option - Part 1............................................1The Adoption Option - Part 2............................................5The Adoption Option - Part 3............................................9Children in Worship? - Yes!.............................................13Children in Church: Worship or Performance..............................17Discipline For Life.....................................................21Helping Children Deal With Death........................................27It Takes A Village To Raise A Child.....................................31How To Be Angry.........................................................35It's About Love.........................................................39Learning To Say Good-Bye................................................43Regaining Christmas.....................................................47Rules For Living........................................................51Sibling Rivalry, Or Mother Always Did Love You Best.....................55Teaching Our Children To Pray...........................................59The Story...............................................................65Teaching Our Children The Joy Of Giving.................................69Train Up - An Adult??...................................................73Why Not?................................................................77When The Unthinkable Happens............................................81

Chapter One

THE ADOPTION OPTION - Part 1

It was the perfect rejoinder to a very insensitive question. The teacher was going around the room, getting to know his new students on the first day of school. When he came to our son Michael, he stopped and stared. Michael is biracial, and has been a part of our mostly white family since he was a baby, so he is used to getting stares.

"Didn't I have your sister in class several years ago?"

"Yes," Michael replied.

"And isn't she white?" he persisted.

"es," Michael answered again.

"How can that be - you're African American?"

"Well," replied Michael drolly, "you see, she's adopted!"

Michael was having fun at the expense of a teacher who was totally out of line with his questioning. But Michael's experience serves to make us aware that we come into contact with adoption issues more often than we may realize. Some of us can understand the issues of persons who are adopted, whether children or adults, and know what is helpful to say and what should not be said. Others of us, however, are very uncomfortable in trying to talk about adoption, never knowing just what to say and what not to say.

I invite you to think with me about some of the issues surrounding adoption. Through the experiences of others we will look at the "Adoption Option" and begin to understand what we can do to help children and adults to see adoption issues more clearly.

One of the first decisions adoptive parents must make is whether or how to tell the child they are adopted. Obviously, when the adopted child is of another race or ethnic background, there is no choice to be made; the fact is obvious.

However, for adopted children who have not been told of their adoption, one of the most devastating experiences that can happen to a person is to discover in some unplanned way that they are adopted. This happened to a pastor who was visiting with a member of his church one day. As they chatted, the pastor's young son was playing around them, within earshot. The member looked at the child and said, "Pastor, your little boy looks enough like you to be your own child, instead of being adopted." The member did not know that the parents had taken great care not to let the child find out that he was adopted. And up until that moment, the child had not known. What a painful experience it was for all three of them!

It used to be that there was such a stigma attached to adoption, that the thing to do was to match children and adoptive parents by looks, so that the child need never find out that she was adopted. This kind of deception creates many hurtful situations and misunderstandings when it is discovered.

Unfortunately, there are still many people who think the main reason for adoption is to give an "illegitimate" child a name. When Merv and I were first contemplating adoption, someone said to me, "Aren't you afraid that people will think that this is your illegitimate child, and your husband is adopting him to give him a name?" My response was, "No, that never occurred to me!"

The opposite of the secret, hidden attitude toward adoption is the open adoption, which is more and more prevalent today. Birth mothers are able to chose the parents for their child. Depending on the specific arrangement, the birth mother may continue to be a part of the child's life on special occasions, or at the very least the adoptive parents provide photos and other ways of keeping the birth mother informed about the growth of the child.

This kind of arrangement, while not always easy to carry out with total comfort on either side, still is a great help to the adopted child when it comes to situations like needing health information about the birth family. Then there is no need to search for one's birth family; they are available to provide information.

Searching for one's birth parents is a strong pull for adopted individuals. We all have heard or read accounts of people who searched for and found birth parents. Some of those stories had happy endings, some did not. I have a friend who found her birth mother and thus some other family members. But every time she goes to visit with that birth family, her adoptive mother becomes so jealous and resentful that she refuses to talk with her daughter for months at a time.

To overcome the stigma of the word "adopted" we used the word early on when talking with our children: "You are my fine 'adopted boy." To our daughters, who were old enough to understand, we would say, "Your brothers are fine adopted sons." In that way, the word and then the idea became a part of normal conversation, and not something to be whispered about behind anyone's back.

We sometimes see adoption portrayed as such a wonderful experience where parents and children are so glad to have each other that they always behave in positive ways. Adoption is wonderful! It is a very special relationship. But being adopted does not automatically make us perfect people. In another article we will look at some of the issues that are specific to adopted children.

THE ADOPTION OPTION - PART 2

There is no question about it - making adoptions work is not easy. But is rearing any child, birth or adopted, an easy task? Obviously not! When I am asked if I would do it again- would adopt - it's usually a loaded question, with the questioner having already made up his mind. As I have thought about it over the years, my answer is yes, definitely, I would adopt again.. But I would insist on having more information.

I would want to know more about the physical health of the birth parents. I would want more information about the physical health of the child at birth. I would want to know about possible fetal alcohol syndrome, drugs used by the birth mother when she was pregnant, whether or not there other siblings or half...