Is it true that children are as vulnerable and innocent as we think they are? Adults view themselves as children's teachers, mentors, counselors, overseers, and guides. In Intentional Connections, a marriage and family therapist explores a different paradigm-one that supports the belief that children are capable of not just learning from us, but teaching us as well. Gloria O'Brien's extensive professional background has included counseling parents with concerns that range from common behavioral problems to rare disabilities. She shares psychological theories, case studies, and real-life vignettes that suggest when we observe our interactions with our children more attentively, we uncover the many life lessons children provide. While including step-by-step instructions on how adults can avoid the obstacles that interfere with our ability to hear our children and achieve greater personal growth, O'Brien provides specific guidance on how parents can ¿ distinguish their own identity from their child's identity; ¿ recognize emotional triggers from the past; ¿ separate emotions from logic and enhance decision-making; ¿ learn to empathize with children; ¿ identify and stop button-pushing behaviors. Intentional Connections helps adults to recognize roadblocks, develop more satisfying adult-child relationships, and embark on a journey of self-improvement.

Intentional Connections

Learning to grow from childrenBy Gloria O'Brien

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2011 Gloria O'Brien
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4502-7960-4

Contents

Acknowledgments..............................................ixIntroduction.................................................xiChapter 1 — Supporting the Theory......................1Chapter 2 — Redefining Children........................7Chapter 3 — Children Are Not Ours......................13Chapter 4 — Understanding Emotions.....................21Chapter 5 — Separate the Past..........................33Chapter 6 — Listen with Empathy........................45Chapter 7 — Separate Yourself..........................55Chapter 8 — How to Change..............................67Chapter 9 — Forgiveness................................75Chapter 10 — Disabled Children.........................87Chapter 11 — Conclusion................................95

Chapter One

Supporting the Theory

My belief that children have the ability to be our teachers materialized through my own maternal experiences, client observations, research, and other documented beliefs that span theology, psychology, marriage and family theories, philosophy, and other disciplines.

While I was being educated in psychology and counseling, I learned about a paradigm called systems theory. It was relatively new (mid-twentieth century) compared to other psychological theories and what made it unique was that it focused on individuals within families. Based on systems theory, different family members might try to balance staying connected to the family with separating themselves as individuals. It is not uncommon to see children move away from their families when they feel that the families are too demanding. It is also not unusual to see an adult child succumb to the wishes of the family even when the wishes appear destructive to the child. Both extremes are considered dysfunctional. Ultimately, the goal of each family member is to maintain a healthy balance of connectedness and individuality.

A common therapeutic treatment involves teaching the client to separate his or her thoughts from feelings, without interference from the family's emotional attachments. Of course, this is easier said than done, but successful therapy results in the client developing this skill. There is no requirement that the child or the parent be the client. Rather, the client, adult or child, is often the most motivated family member. Conceivably, a child could learn to respond to a family situation differently, which might cause a parent to react differently in the family. As an example, parents might eat when they feel stressed. If the child learns to initiate a family bike ride when the family is stressed, the other family members might agree and choose exercise instead of overeating.

Early in the history of the science of psychology, Sigmund Freud placed excessive parenting responsibilities on mothers and consequently blamed them for a myriad of issues including unusual parental jealousies, sexual fantasies, and even autism. However, in the twentieth century a psychologist from Russia, Urie Bronfenbrenner, postulated that children are affected by all types of environments, including the environments provided by mothers. These environments, such as church and schools, have as much potential to impact children as families. Today, it is conventional wisdom that human development does not happen in a vacuum but through exposure to various systems. When children learn in other environments and are influenced by other systems, the opportunity exists for children to share new information in the home. Through those shared experiences, parents can grow from the children's knowledge, and the parents can become an extension of the children. As the children grow in knowledge and experience, parents have opportunities for change.

Some religious perspectives, including Hinduism, Buddhism, and others, have tenets rooted in rebirth or reincarnation. These beliefs suggest that a soul continues on a journey that allows it to enter many physical bodies. These reentries are chosen prior to birth and often allow the soul to work through unresolved issues from prior lives. The past-life actions can be intentional or circumstantial, depending on the religion. Regardless, most religions that support rebirth espouse that the soul makes decisions prior to entering the physical body that allows the optimal environment needed to work through designated issues.

Sometimes, reentries are for personal enlightenment, but human beings also come together to assist others with their issues. The dynamic is not unidirectional between a child and a parent. In other words, not only can the parent teach the child, but the child can teach the parent. As an example, a parent seeking the virtue of forgiveness may have a child who frequently requires forgiveness. Therefore, as a consequence of rebirth, we can learn, correct imbalances of the past, and teach others. Decisions relating to reincarnation include the circumstances in which we will be born, which set the stage for our learning and/or teaching. The reincarnation perspective emphasizes the interactions of these systems for the ultimate development of spiritual goals. Bronfenbrenner related his theory to individual learning and development without emphasis on spirituality.

Christian religions also support the importance of children. The Bible, which is the sacred book of Christian believers, clarifies the importance of children and the interrelatedness of children and parenting for fruitful human development. It is scripted that parents who receive children receive Jesus and that the humbleness of children is necessary for adults' entry into heaven (Matthew 18:2–6 ESV).

Existential philosophy is a belief system that says we must take complete personal responsibility for creating a purposeful life and defining the meaning of our own existence. Existentialists would argue that suffering is a natural and normal part of life's journey and that we can achieve greater awareness and understanding of ourselves through the discomforts, struggles, and choices that present themselves in everyday events. Nothing in existential theory suggests that angst and suffering are isolated from experiences with children. Accordingly, adults who are exposed to adult-child interactions, both positive and negative, have opportunities for self-growth.

Some of us are not rooted in religion, science, or theory based on research. Some of us understand the world based on controversial phenomena that exist beyond the physical. In 1982, Nancy Ann Tappe, a known psychic and synesthete (synesthetes have senses that are not separate; for example, a number might be seen with a specific color or a word might trigger a taste) wrote a book about special children whose births initiated in the 1960s. She called these children "Indigo children," referring to their deep blue- or violet-colored auras, the energy fields around their bodies. Without scientific support, the concept of Indigos has gained momentum around the globe; they have received attention from ABC News, CNN, and others.

Indigo children (also known as Rainbow or Crystalline) are identified primarily by their thoughts and behaviors and are defined by the following characteristics:

• Possess high moral standards

• Readily question integrity

• Have an intellect not measured by standard IQ...