With the publication of his Ok, Intriguing: Hell Yeah! Awesomenessous, Australian comedian David Tieck propelled himself face-first into the colorful realms of the less-trodden segments of existence with a seemingly simple mission to improve every aspect of its readers' lives. (He's just that kind of guy) Because David is a man of his word, your life will now be overflowing with love, happiness, business opportunities, favorite places to buy plastic owls, and secrets to avoiding the hot new trend in pets. You'll even have a better sense of touch, the forgotten sense. (You're welcome) You are cordially encouraged to enter David's world, one that is generously populated by baffling questions, captivating oddities, absurd downright truths, and unobserved actualities. He boils it all down in hilarious, short comic essays about life's big questions: What's the coolest thing to go to jail for? Why is carpet so damn awesome? How do you complete a sex goal? Who is the King of Roofs anyway? What the hell are the ants up to? Does your cannon really need scrubbing? Why is that rainbow so sad? Read this book-you deserve it. Hell, yeah.
Ok, Intriguing: Hell Yeah! Awesomenessous
Fifty-four humor essays that will force you to unleash indulgence rumbles from your deepest amusement precincts until your noggin detonates
By David TieckiUniverse LLC
Copyright © 2014 David Tieck
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4917-4506-9Contents
Forewords, xiii,
1 - You better believe those are some kick ass credentials, 1,
2 - Please don't do it, 5,
3 - Notes from a guy with sex goals, 8,
4 - It's just unbelievable, 11,
5 - The sad rainbow – a children's book, 14,
6 - Finally a very important anthropological study, 17,
7 - A word from a Dictator's son, 20,
8 - Don't dump your trash here, 23,
9 - I'd still go, 29,
10 - Who wants an awesome job?, 33,
11 - Ruining it for all the ladies, 35,
12 - Vicious, Vicious Criminal, 38,
13 - Please don't watch (re-watch) The Titanic until you read this, 41,
14 - Don't wash your pants until you check the pockets for heaven, 45,
15 - Exclusive: How the entire world is in danger!, 48,
16 - My morning so far, 52,
17 - And now signs you might be a scientist, 55,
18 - Everyone is talking about talking, 57,
19 - Unsung hero of the week, 60,
20 - Auckland, New Zealand - well known for having very few statues, 64,
21 - My biggest fear, 68,
22 - And now in really simple riddles, 70,
23 - I concur, 72,
24 - The making of your very own `Love – an instructional video' – transcript, 73,
25 - Hey mirror, take a good look in the mirror, you asshole, 80,
26 - I only ever did one gig as a children's performer, and here is why, 83,
27 - A letter to David Tieck, from Simon Holder, 88,
28 - Wanna come with me?, 92,
29 - An important life of lessons, 94,
30 - Our worst fears have come true, but stay calm, 97,
31 - I am king of the roofs, 100,
32 - An open apology from Brad Pitt - Oct 27 2019, 103,
33 - Underpants, 109,
34 - The bubble, the lord and the mistress, 111,
35 - How to make an easy hundred bucks, 118,
36 - The bubble, the lord and the mistress, continued!!!, 121,
37 - Question for the ladies, 127,
38 - There, there, there, there, 129,
39 - No I mean it, I really am a sweet girl (shit I meant to write `sweet boy' but I accidently wrote `sweet girl', fuck me), 131,
40 - New flawless insults – finally, 133,
41 - One of the world's true geniuses, 136,
42 - Oh no, not another short cut, 139,
43 - A lesson on how to sext, 142,
44 - I'm here to protect you, 144,
45 - Hey, you know what, you're all pretty awesome, 148,
46 - How your life is at risk from a newly discovered yet very common disease, 157,
47 - This week on The Real Housewives of Saudi-Arabia, 162,
48 - Coming soon To a TV near you – possibly even in FRONT of you, 163,
49 - I think it's time carpet got more respect, WAY more respect, 168,
50 - Speaking of friendship, 172,
51 - The new normal, 174,
52 - And now signs that the bottom of your cannon may need a scrub, 176,
53 - I hope you brushed your teeth, 178,
54 - Some parting advice, 181,
Glossary of key terms, 185,
CHAPTER 1
You better believe those are some kick ass credentials
Thanks Dave and Kurt for those kind words, I love you guys, you truly are my heroes, and I'll even say it, you are my equals, and that's high praise coming from me. Although I do also have to say that while Kurt Cobain and I may have a heap in common, there is one way in which we will always be different. Kurt you see was a small town boy, but unlike him I was always a city boy.
At least I thought I was a City Boy.
I had all the city credentials you see; I lived in a city for example, I enjoyed being in a city would be another example which would suggest I had City Boy credentials, and I enjoyed that I lived in a city would be yet another example of why I thought I had City Boy credentials. And usually you would think that three flawless credentials would be flawless proof that you are in fact what your credentials apparently prove you are. But really sometimes you don't know how much you are a City Boy until you meet a City Girl and you find out that in reality you have shitty city credentials.
The City Girl was really city. She lived in a city, which was one of my credentials that she shared, but she had other city credentials too, like she enjoyed being in the city, oh wait I had that one too, and yes, she enjoyed that she lived in the city, just like I proved above that I also did, but here is the thing, this City Girl had even further city credentials!
Like she smelled like the city, when she sweated she literally sweat city grime. And she cared enough to add her grime right back into the city, in a city supports me so I will support my city ring of help which was both beautiful and a credible City Girl credential.
Plus she looked like a city, by which I mean she was a cluster fuck of awesomenessous, by which I mean she was bad at doing her hair and putting on her make-up, and yet didn't care, just like a city doesn't care how the fuck its hair and make-up looks. And when you share something like that with a city then your City Girl credentials shred up the City Girl charts.
Her city credentials didn't end there no; fear not, she even had a name like a city! Her name was Constantine, which if a city was named, for example, `Constantine City' that would be an awesome name for a city, and therefore an awesome city, which is why I considered her name to be a city like name and therefore yet another reason she could use as a City Girl credential.
That city would also have awesome sporting teams like the `Constantine City Carnies' who would win games by tricking their opponents that the rules of the game are fair when in fact the ball doesn't even fit in the ring, or the `Constantine City Carhorns', who would win games by being rude and obnoxious, or the `Constantine City Cougars' who would be the laughing stock of the league after their fierce cat name has been turned into a name used for desperate horny middle aged women who want to get in three more fucks before their vaginas stop producing lubrication (that's the words of the people making fun of the Constantine City Cougars, not me). Plus even the word `fierce' has been taken by fashion assholes and the like, and so no one would ever want to play for the Constantine City Cougars, which would mean they would end up with all the players black listed from other teams for beating up their wives, and urinating on little girls thinking they were toilets, so oh yeah, you better believe the Constantine City Cougars would play the game hard and with bone to pick, and I mean a literal bone, these guys would eat ribs for sure. Also there would be the `Constantine City Caregivers', who it would turn out would be more of a charitable group that helps runaways than a sporting team per se, but some of those runaways would be running away from their fathers who play for the Constantine City Cougars, so you can probably see in this example how it all comes around. So yeah, you better believe being named Constantine gives you badass City Girl credentials. And they were credentials that this Constantine City Girl had in spade loads of city credential awesomeness.
But did her credentials end there? Of course the fuck not they fucking did not, and fuck you if you even thought her city...
