To Be or Not to Be

I find myself part of a story in this life that is seven times bigger than I am. I'm pretty sure someone, somewhere, in a faraway place and very long ago, stole time. This caused a shift in the karmic debt payment plan structure that should have taken the seven years like it was supposed to.

This narrative started when I died, but I learned that the story started long before any of us ever came to be. I'm what you would call a doppelgänger.

A doppelgänger is a palpable double of a person in culture, folklore, and fiction. In colloquial language, the word doppelgänger has come to refer to a person's double or look-alike. In Norse mythology, we are perceived as a ghostly double who precedes a living person and is seen carrying out his or her actions in advance. You may commonly know this as déjà vu. The literal translation of doppelgänger is double walker, or in common English, a twin. That's me. The Twin.

While we were separated at birth by death, I wasn't the cause of the disarray of the affairs; our parents — and their parents before them and their parents before them — were going back through the various tests of time. And here now in this moment on this day, I feel compelled to tell the story because I got out, and she got left behind.

After spending a long nine months in each other's arms, overhearing the downward spiral of the world we were about to enter, I just knew I wasn't going to make it. The accusations were fierce, and the desolation pumping through our Genius Mother's veins was suffocating. There could only be enough breath for one of us, and I knew my twin was the stronger one. As much as I knew that my time to live would be taken from me, somehow I understood that my never knowing life would be necessary for my twin to fulfill her life's purpose.

It happened quickly and painlessly. I had a vision of lying in the gutter. I could feel the dirty, musty water against my face, and I could smell every bad thing that would ever happen to me wafting out of that water. I tried to wiggle free but couldn't move. Riveted to the images that played out before me, I saw a life that wasn't mine teaching me everything I would need to know. I watched myself grow in stature and knowledge to be a female with the human age of thirty-five, and somehow I knew that would be my age for all eternity. I also knew instinctively that the Genius Mother they called Paige who was trying to give birth on the table below was passing her intelligence to me as she quietly realized she was successful in letting me go from this world.

As all the genetic, energetic, and intellectual knowledge seeped inward into and through the strands of my DNA, there was a prolonged silence that seemed to wrap itself around me like a spider spinning silk around a fly. I wasn't even sure when I stopped breathing, so I gave in to that moment of paralysis and to whatever higher power would take me. In a silent whisper, I truly and unconditionally prayed to be redeemed for giving up, but I mostly prayed for my Twin, who was about to surprise everyone.

I could see the relief sweep over Paige's face as she settled back onto the table. She knew I was gone — and she seemed pleased with herself — but as the next wave of pain swept across her face, she realized I hadn't been alone, and this she hadn't counted on.

From this place of higher consciousness I was able to see that my Twin would become the archetype of misplaced youth. She was about to go from the seat of neglect to the throne of unbridled chaos, and the odds would most certainly be against her. I also saw that she would be unwavering in her quest to make sense of her world, and the indelible footprints of her questioning would leave her intent on finding a way to sever the umbilical cord. It was perfectly clear that I had to find a way to help her.

The answer came promptly and plainly, since with my last breath came the gift of ageless wisdom and divine intelligence. I was now a Doppelgänger Being with vocabulary and knowledge. I had understanding and emotion and perception and intellect, and my intellect was telling me I had to send for reinforcements.

I would need assistance in a big way. I needed angels — and I don't mean just any kind of angels. I mean guardian angels of archangel proportions — the kind of angels that you only ever read about. I had no sooner thought this when they appeared to me. Like the dream team they were, five celestial angelic angels appeared, eager and curious. If I didn't know any better, I would have said they knew this was coming. Is that even possible? With no time to waste, I explained the severity of the situation. The angels assured me they knew all about it, and they had known all along they would be called upon. They quickly introduced themselves.

"I am Archangel Michael, a great prince who stands up for children. I symbolize protection, and I have great strength and valor. I am a protector from one's own fears."

"Archangel Gabriel at your service," he said, giving a playful bow as he did. "I am the revealer who helps you understand visions of the future. I am also proud to be the supreme messenger of God and enjoy overseeing communications."

"I am Archangel Raphael, and I am a healer and the guardian of the people. It is my responsibility to bring God's healing light to earth. And this is Archangel Zadkiel. He is the compassionate and merciful one. He helps heal painful memories and assists you in forgiving."

"How do you do?" asked the one named Zadkiel.

Coming forward a little clumsily with a bunch of scrolls in his hands, he said, "I am Archangel Uriel. I am the angel of the divine presence. My scrolls and books hold much wisdom. I am a patron of the arts. I like to call myself the angel of poetry."

It was Archangel Michael who spoke next. "We have been waiting patiently for the death of the Doppelgänger that would be the spiritual link to the Twin they will call Kate. We knew you would be coming, and we have been listening for your call for quite some time. You must know there are rules. You cannot interfere. There will be times when you will want to turn your head and cover your eyes, so just do it. Look away and trust that we will hold her through the most arduous times. Be prepared that in your connection with her there will be times when you feel what she feels, and it won't feel good. There will be times you will want to grab her and take cover, but you won't be able to. Also know there will be many times when she will know laughter, but that isn't what this story is about."

When they told me this, I had no idea what they meant, but boy, would I learn soon enough; they so weren't kidding.

Using poetry as a conduit and dreams as their couriers, their messages to Kate were far from ambiguous. Throughout her evolution, the poetry sent to her by Archangel Uriel...