The laugh out-loud humor is captivating. The true recounts go in rapid succession, from one hilarious story to the next. The backdrop of this book is a shy skinny kid growing up in small towns. From kid to adulthood is non-stop hilarity. It immediately grabs you with the first story. There is something for everyone in this book. David M. Goodman includes five of his fictional stories. There is a reason he chose 'lower-case letters' for the title "dirt road....old farmhouse." The book stands alone to share Humor and Inspiration with, readers of all ages. If you don't want to laugh, this is the wrong book

Laughing Stocks Are Free

Sharing a Laugh in Troubled TimesBy David M. Goodman Sr.

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2009 David M. Goodman Sr.
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4389-7809-3

Contents

How I Freed Myself from the Jaws of Death...................................1Soup or Salad?..............................................................7Eat a Pound of Bacon Everyday and Call me in a Week.........................12Computers, "They Will Never Make It"........................................15The Outhouse and a Chicken Named Sally......................................18Selling Pop Bottles When I was a Kid........................................21Bob and Tom.................................................................23That Unique Sound...........................................................27My Grandmother's Radio......................................................32My First Day of School......................................................34dirt road ... old farmhouse.................................................37The Clock Shop on 53rd Street...............................................56Fine Art....................................................................67The Last Voyage.............................................................73Drink That Last Cup-a Coffee Before That Rotgut at Work.....................78Three-Legged Grill..........................................................81Essence of You..............................................................86One Again...................................................................88Her Name Was Serene.........................................................89Fields Full of Flowers......................................................90Fields Full of Flowers......................................................91

Chapter One

How I Freed Myself from the Jaws of Death

Twenty-five to thirty years ago, we would go to the mountains annually. I love to fish for trout and especially enjoy fishing in the mountain streams. I do not fly-fish but use a method with hook on a six-inch liter and a loop on the end. I attached the hook to a medium swivel. When you catch a trout by this method, the heart pounding response you get is incredible. Sometimes I can see this record size Trout in my mind while I am reeling in my prize. Usually the fish is anywhere between six to twelve inches but the excitement of catching fish from a stream is incredible. I let the current take the bait slowly down stream. Through the years of fishing this method, I have learned that often a fish will take the bait and stop. Some take it back where they were when they got the bait. I have learned this through the years talking and/or fishing with fly-fishing people. There used to be shows on many years ago about trout fishing. That was before bass fishing became an international affair. Bottom line is (pun intended) fishing is fishing but to each his own I guess. Fishing for Trout is the only kind of fishing I do. We go to the mountains every two to three years now. When we do go, we spend about a week saying, "Why did we wait so long to come back"? We have grown older so the need to see kids and Grandkids is something that only increases with time. I guess I got off track some.

We had gone to the mountains on our annual trip. The fishing had been especially good this particular year. Like any other angler, if the fishing is good you tend to get up earlier and earlier every day. This particular morning I got up at 4:30(my god was I ever that dumb). The cabin we were staying in was only fifteen to twenty yards from the stream. Therefore, I decided I would go upstream and work my way down to where we were staying. I was wearing waders and carrying my rod and reel. I had a creel over my shoulder with the attached strap. I also had a small plastic box with divider compartments that held flies attached to my belt. I looked like the cover boy for 'Field & Stream' magazine. Being 4:30 in the mountains meant two basic things; it was "cold" and "dark." The key word in that last statement is "DARK." Genius here had not really counted on it being pitch black. I could see but it was not easy. When you step out of your cabin and hear that stream, it is God's Country. For a Trout angler this is motivation to do dumb stuff like this. Yes, I had a flashlight, and that should have been my first clue I was out just a little early. The stream and sound of me walking was all I heard.

When I got upstream, I turned off the small path, heading for the stream. I had a distance of about fifteen yards down to the water. I had to walk through some small trees with tiny pencil sized limbs. I also found a lot of vines and all kinds of tall plants growing. I checked for poison ivy and was all clear there. So behind me now, to be clear with everyone, was thick bunches of vines, tree limbs, and bushes. This stuff was thirty to forty feet high. I looked back after getting through this pilgrimage of green and brown vegetation. The area behind me looked like a cross between the Bolivian Rain forest, African Jungles, and an aviary in a zoo. I estimated that it would take between seven to eight hours to find my poor lifeless body. I stopped about two feet from the water, baited my line, and started with my motion to drop the line in the water. It was at this precise second I heard the Deafening, "Primal Yell, Growl, or Animalistic Cry, for their young to come to the water, it was "feeding time"! It is times like this, one thinks of many things. The things that went through my head were racing at milliseconds; I use the term milliseconds because at this point the mind moves far more quickly than impulse. First, this sound seemed like it was coming twenty to thirty feet from me.

I will give you an abbreviated list of what I perceived were my options at that precise second (1) Scream (2) run across the stream (3)drop to my knees and belt out the chorus of Amazing Grace (4) Runnnnnnnnnn!!!; "But where"? I did not know the direction the noise came from because of how loud it was. My heart was racing and beating like a drum in both ears. I just got down and waited for the next sound to determine the direction. The only sound was my breathing, as if I had just ran a mile. Probably after about two minutes from the first sound came the second. This sound was more deafening and only ten to twelve feet from me. The best thing I could have heard at this point was a shot, and someone saying, "I got him, are you alright in there"? There was no shot, just me and the Bear, Mountain Lion, or whatever.

I turned and started to run the direction I came from. I tripped over some vine or something. I got up tearing away the thicket. My hands were bleeding from pulling and pushing the Amazon Jungle out of my way. Where is Tarzan when you really need him? It was he or I and we both knew it. I had misjudged how far and how much of this debris I had gone through. I yearned for a 'Midway Barker' saying, "Get your machetes right here!" Finally literally breathless, with hands bleeding, cuts on my arms, and contusions on my head, I came to the clearing. I dropped down and sat, breathing sounds of the savage beast chasing me. It had been at least five minutes since I last heard Bigfoot. I sat down facing the jungle I had just come through. Then my heart literally ripped out of my chest. There was something big coming through the thicket in front of me. I saw the last of the debris start to fall and stood up as it came partway out and stopped. A few seconds later, it emerged...