CHAPTER 1
The Power of Listening: How Listeners Control Communication
"The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer."
—Henry David Thoreau
Each of us has the power to decide how and when to listen.
Andrew is a huge fan of the University of Nebraska football team. He watches every televised game, regardless of what else is planned. His wife, Sue, planned her father-in-law's birthday party, choosing a time when a game was scheduled because it was preferred by her in-laws. She suggested that Andrew tape the game since he could not watch. On the day of the party, Andrew made preparations to watch the football game with his friends. He was quite surprised when Sue reminded him of the party. Sound familiar? Unfortunately, this scenario with different people and different topics is played out thousands, perhaps millions, of times every day. It illustrates a simple fact that, as listeners, each of us has the power to pay attention or not. If we consciously or unconsciously elect not to listen, the speaker is out of luck. While speakers can learn tips and techniques to capture attention and engage listeners, no one can make us listen unless we want to. True, speakers can threaten, encourage, plead, or entertain us to make it easier for us to listen, but in the final analysis the power for successful communication rests with the listener.
Three Common Dangerous Assumptions about Listening
At the beginning of our listening seminars, we often ask participants to give us some of their assumptions about listening. We have collected a list of these assumptions. Although some have merit, based on our research and experience, many of our participants' initial assumptions are totally off base. See if you have made any of the following unfounded, and at times dangerous, assumptions concerning listening.
Dangerous Assumption #1
Speakers control communication more than listeners.
Many of us believe that "having the floor" means controlling the agenda, whether in one-on-one conversations or in large groups. This is why we spend so much time learning to speak effectively; we think speaking is the only currency for good communication.
In Reality:
Listeners hold communication power.
Think about meetings and programs you have attended. Have you ever been a member of a hostile audience? If so, you observed listening power first hand. No matter how skilled, charismatic, or engaging a speaker may be, we decide whether or not to listen.
The CEO of an eastern utility corporation ran into a buzz saw at a meeting of union employees. He began his presentation with a reference to the improved safety record at the plant, but was unaware that a fatal accident had occurred that morning while he was en route. A rookie lineman had been electrocuted when he failed to put on rubber gloves to handle a hot wire. The workers at the gathering began to yell angry remarks and eventually the CEO was led out the side door by the HR representative to protect him from more verbal abuse.
If the CEO had attempted to pull rank to get his workers to listen the situation would have gotten even worse.
In Reality:
Speakers cannot force others to listen.
On the other hand, listeners who are aware of their power can take full advantage of the situation.
Joanne, a retail manager at an upscale department store in Los Angeles, gives her clothing buyers full attention when discussing their options. She asks questions, uses head nods, smiles and makes eye contact to control the pace of the discussion. Her buyers don't even notice that, although she speaks very little during the planning sessions, she is in full control of the outcome.
In this case, Joanne uses her listening skills to make good use of her time by demonstrating her involvement and interest.
Dangerous Assumption #2
We can listen well when we really have to.
This assumption can lead to over confidence in our ability to listen effectively. We ask participants to test this assumption in each of our seminars. They are shown a 20-second video clip about an emergency hospital situation. We ask them, before viewing the clip, to imagine that this is a life and death situation where high level listening is critical. After being asked 10 simple questions about what they have seen and heard, few participants can answer more than four questions correctly.
In Reality:
Listening harder doesn't necessarily mean listening better.
Frieda, one of our seminar participants from Oregon, told us that she used to assume that through intense concentration she could remember important messages accurately. She relayed that her assumption was debunked when she filed an incorrect financial report based on her memory of a phone conversation while away from her desk. A government auditor challenged Frieda's numbers and her company had to pay a penalty as a result. She now records all information on specially prepared note pads and asks associates to confirm her notes.
In Reality:
Listeners over estimate how much information they remember.
Even highly trained listeners have trouble with technical and unfamiliar information. Research on retention has found that most people remember less than 50% of what was said immediately after a 10-minute talk. That percentage drops to less than 10% after 24 hours. Married couples were found to retain only 35% of the previous hour's discussion.
AT&T has capitalized on the fact that most of us cannot remember a string of seven numbers long enough to dial them after calling information. For an additional charge, the information operator will dial the number for us, thus eliminating possible or probable listening errors. Those of us who take full advantage of our listening power can beat these percentages.
Dangerous Assumption #3
When we start talking, others start listening.
Test this assumption by thinking back to a recent meeting you attended. Were you mentally and emotionally focused to begin listening the moment the first speaker began? Or were...
