Love

"Love has no conditions, no boundaries, no limits, just aneverlasting desire to put someone else's happiness first."— Heather Paris

I define love as an action, or group of actions, thatdirectly impacts and contributes to the well beingof someone you care deeply for.

So many people cut themselves off from love becausethey have been hurt in the past. If you are one of them,I say, "STOP THAT! Love is amazing!" We all tendto put up walls. We start building them as youngchildren any time we experience something painful. Bythe time we are adults, we have all sorts of walls andrigid conditions that go with them. When we set theseconditions, we ultimately prevent ourselves from beingvulnerable and experiencing all that life has to offer.We grow frightened and become reserved. We shelterourselves, thinking we're being practical, when in factwe're disillusioning ourselves completely. Life doesn'treally have to be that way!

We love our kids unconditionally but we rarely givethat level of love to anyone else, including ourselves.We put conditions on our family and, especially, ourspouses.

Love is about putting the needs of others before yourown. Love is about allowing that person to be himselfor herself without you trying to change them. Loveis unselfish. It's about remaining constant and presenteven through the really difficult times. Love is aboutdoing the little things, even when you're tired. It's aboutcommunicating honestly, even when you know it's goingto hurt. Love is about holding each other, even whenyou don't feel like it. It's about hugging and kissing andholding hands and making love. Love is always puttingone another first, before the kids, extended family orfriends. Put your lover's needs before work, beforephone calls, games and the Internet. Love is about beingbest friends. It's about listening and hearing and sharingit all. Love is about being free from judgment. Love isabout laughing together, not at one another. Love isabout being as close as two people can possibly be andletting nothing come between you. Love is about takingcare of each other. But most of all, love is about doing allof these things all of the time. Don't stop until you takeyour last breath. Someone who is demonstrating truelove would even walk away from their relationship if itmeant the other person would be better off. Love isn'tsomething you "fight to keep alive"; it is something youdo to make someone else's life better.

Children often grow up and become involved inrelationships similar to those they've seen modeledbefore them. Girls tend to marry men that treat themthe way their own fathers treated their mothers and vice-versa.So teach love by living love. Put your relationshipfirst; make it healthy and happy, give lots of affection,practice positive affirmations and kindness, and alwaysput the needs of your partner ahead of your own. Yourchildren will be happier knowing their parents have asolid foundation and will grow to emulate it.

Allowing oneself to become vulnerable to anotherperson is not a weakness. We, as strong, independentpeople, often think that vulnerability equals weakness.But in actuality, vulnerability can be quite powerful.Men want to solve problems and fix things. They wantto see their woman smile. It makes them feel neededand successful. So allow your man to "take care" ofyou. This idea is neither old-fashioned nor sexist. It isrealistic. I'm not talking about women being "barefootand pregnant" while a man takes care of your everyneed. I'm talking about telling a man exactly what youneed - and allowing him to do things that will help you.For example: I COULD absolutely carry the heavybags of horse feed into the barn from my car but I knowthat my husband would LOVE the opportunity to behelpful and do it for me. I used to have the attitude of "Iwill do it myself; I don't need help" but that is really notserving anyone. It actually disempowers ME because Iam not allowing other people to give the gift of serviceand I am taking on an attitude of martyrdom.

A friend once told me that her boyfriend haddisappointed her with his lack of action. Rather than tellhim about her feelings and allow him the opportunityto make things right, she became defensive and quipped,"I will just do it myself. I have to do everything on myown. I have no one to count on."

I quickly reminded her that she was globalizing on asmall incident and asked her what she was really feeling.When she said she was sad and wanted to cry, I toldher she should have shared these feelings with him. Sheshould have cried, and told her boyfriend why she wassad, and that he disappointed her. Her tears would havegiven him the visual queue that something was wrong.Then, she could have told him what was going on; givinghim the opportunity to help her. They both would havefelt better with this approach. A person is more likelyto run from someone who is blaming or calling namesand yelling. Conversely, they will be far more likely tojump up and help a loved one who is crying and clearlyhurting.

Never trade love for comfort. You may be completelyfearful of being "alone" but, do not stay in an abusive orunhealthy relationship because it is "better than beingsingle." I cringe when I hear people say this. It saddensme to think that people feel they need to settle. Whenyou get rid of the wrong people in your life, you makeroom for the right people!

As a rule of thumb, if you wouldn't accept an excusefrom someone else, don't accept it for yourself. Forexample, if your daughter came home and told you shewas in love with a married man and he claimed he HADto stay with the wife because the timing was bad forhim to leave her, what would you tell your daughter?You would let her know how absurd her words sound,for sure. Well, if it's not right, it's not right! Live withintegrity and don't settle.

Again, I remind you, that in a successful relationship,you MUST put one another first. Not second to someoneelse's wife, kids, job, mistress, sports, video games, etc...FIRST. Love is something that you DO, and if you are"doing" someone or something else, you are not lovingyour partner! I will discuss "healthy break-ups" laterin the book.

There are three types of love: Two that don't workand one that does.

1) Dependent Love. Dependent love says "Whatabout ME? What have you done for me?" Thistype of love is not sustainable for very long. Youcan only take care of someone for so long beforeyou become resentful and feel the need to haveyour own needs met.

2) Independent Love. Independent love says, "Idon't NEED you! I can do it by myself!" Thistype of love is also not sustainable because thetruth of the...