CHAPTER 1

Loving My Self

I LOVE MY SELF. Me, with all my flaws and imperfections,my gifts, my talents, my reticence, my exuberance, myprocrastinations, my kindness, my laziness, my passions, myinsecurities, my sense of humor, my compassion, what societywould call my failures, my successes, what I deem to be mybeauty and the lack thereof. I LOVE ME!!!

I KNOW MY SELF. I have spent many years getting to knowme, to know myself, looking deeply into the dark corridorsof the house that is ME. I have looked. I have judged. I havedespised some of what I saw. From some corridors I have runscreaming in denial. "No. That is not me!" In humility I havereturned again and again until I could find acceptance and withacceptance, forgiveness. I have been guided on my journey bywise and all-loving Masters, by angels in my corner, and bythose who have walked beside me—friends, fellow disciples,family, teachers, and students. I have been guided and I havedone the work. Overcoming skepticism and stubbornness Ihave been willing to look. I wanted to know—to know myself.I wanted to know and to love ME. Myself. As I AM. Wholly andunconditionally

That, I now see, has been my path. Until now, I have called ita spiritual path and it has been that for certain. But what doesthat mean finally, a spiritual path? The mystics call it a path toenlightenment but enlightenment is so difficult to define andseems so far beyond who I am and what I can be. But Self Love?That I can grasp. And I can see that this has been my path allalong, no matter what it looked like at the time. Building asuccessful manufacturing business. Chanting and meditatingwith my Master at his ashram. Becoming the devoted disciple.Exploring my sexuality. Traveling the world. Guiding others intoa transcendent state. Sharing the wisdom I have gained. Livingquietly with family and friends. The common thread through itall? Seeking to know myself and love myself unconditionally.

This is my path—the path of self love. This is the purposeof my life. This, too, can be your path. You have come here toknow and love yourself unconditionally. You may choose notto. You are free. You may already be striding passionately downthis path. Good for you. You may perhaps see the path aheadof you but are hesitant to begin. I understand. The purposethis book is to share with you what I have learned, what hasworked for me in attaining greater love of self. Offered hereare insights, tools, techniques and personal stories to inspireand exemplify. This is SELF LOVE 101, a basic course in self-mastery.

My story. Who am I? We shall begin with "I was born....".In Texas. Upper middle class Catholic family. An easy, fairlynormal, small town growing up experience. University degreein business. I entered the family business after college andwith my dad started a door manufacturing company which bythe 1980's had become the most successful in the US. In themidst of my success and material wealth I had a life-changingexperience. Introduced unexpectedly to an extraordinary masterteacher, I was, despite great skepticism, swept into a journeyinto self-awareness, into loving the self. I was, quite simply,thunderstruck. I had had no idea that up to this point I really didnot know ME, did not know what I felt, what I really believed.Despite my worldly success I was riddled with self-doubt andself-judgment, especially regarding my sexuality. Although Iwas exploring my homosexuality I kept it very hidden frommost of the people around me. I was driven in all aspects of mylife by a deep desire to be loved—by my family, my friends, myemployees, my peers, my lovers, my teachers. By God. I did nothave a clue that what I was really driven by was the desire to beloved by me. Not a clue. Not then. Not for a long time.

My studies with this amazing teacher opened the doorwayinto myself. I began to see myself more clearly and love myselfmore easily. It was a beginning. A few years into my studies Iwas introduced to another teacher who became my SpiritualMaster. After a time his work took on the qualities of a spiritualpath very much in the Eastern tradition. Meditation, chant, yoga,devotional work, prayer, and always, always, the revelation ofoneself to oneself. In his approach everything that we are (eventhose dark corridors that we despise and judge) is good enoughto be loved. In his vernacular, "Everything is God. Everythingis good enough to be God. To be loved". It was his job, andours, to expose those dark corridors and find forgiveness forself. He did so relentlessly and with great love and compassion.We did so, haltingly, begrudgingly, steadily. It was a journeyboth illuminating and exhausting. We created an ashram in themountains of Oregon to which many of us retreated from ourlives out in the world to live and work and study together. ThisMaster is, in my experience, truly enlightened. Unconditionallove radiates from his being. He sees and knows everything.When you look into his eyes you know, in that moment, thatyou are loved and that you are worth loving.

In 1994, when I left the ashram, I wrote a book about theseawakening experiences and my journey with these two Masters.It is titled GOD IN A BLACK JAG. If you want to know moreabout this phase of my own path you can find it on my website:www.timothyernster.com.

Little did I know that when I left the Master's presencemy journey would truly begin. I had been given the wisdomand the tools. Now I would be pressed to apply them. On myown. Alone in the world. Twenty years have passed. I haveaccomplished much but I am still a work in progress. Sinceleaving the ashram I have traveled promoting the book and havegiven seminars on awakening to our own Christ...