A significant segment of our society is lost. Thousands of young men from Generation X and Y have not successfully transitioned from boyhood to manhood. They are in their 20s-40s, yet living with the motivations of a teenager. They aren't in school; they aren't working or motivated to find a job. Many stay up all night playing video games and then sleep all day.
This is not the life they want, but they don't know how to move on to find the life that they should be living. They are stuck. They are not providing for themselves or their families. They are struggling to find their place in the world and those who love them, their moms, girlfriends, wives, and children, are looking to them to become the man that they need them to be.
If they are brave enough to look, help can be found in these pages. Written by a man who has been there, Heemer offers action-based tools to help with movement from boyhood to manhood; a move that is long overdue.

If You Love Me, Please Read This

A Challenge to the Men in Generation X and Y from the People Who Love ThemBy Art Heemer Marilyn Wilson Miller Sharon Lilly Runyon

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2010 Art Heemer
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4502-0582-5

Contents

Acknowledgements....................................................ix1. Introduction: There is a Problem.................................12. What Gives Me the Right to Talk to You?..........................133. I Can Predict Your Future........................................214. A Ten-Million Man Army...........................................275. Taking the First Step............................................386. Basic Training...................................................627. Prayers and Reflections..........................................858. Resources for Further Growth and Development.....................979. Internet Resources...............................................10410. Other Useful Stuff..............................................106

Chapter One

Introduction: There is a Problem

You see it in their eyes. When they look my way, I'm sure they're thinking, "I'm glad it's not my son." or, "What did they do wrong?" After all, it's what I might be thinking. How could things have gone so wrong with this child? The other kids are far from perfect, but well-adjusted, hard working, and living life. What did we miss? Did I not care enough, or too much? How can I reach this young man?

To the one who may be considering buying this for a young man as a gift:

There is a problem and it could end the society we have come to know and expect. Many of today's young men who are reaching the age of adulthood, estimated at 10 million in the U.S., seem to lack the training and skills necessary to be viable and vibrant Christians and productive, fulfilled citizens. Of course, I don't mean every young man is coping poorly with life, but we hear increasing commentary from worried parents, wives, girlfriends, siblings, friends, and employers about the fact that they know many young men whose lives seem to lack direction, focus, goals, motivation, and ambition. This trend is evident in the behavior, attitudes, beliefs, and values of these young men.

These are the young men of Generation X and Generation Y. Those in Gen X were born from the early 1960s through the late 1970s, while Gen Y came on the scene from the early 1980s through the late 1990s. Gen X is estimated to be a population of 23 million American males and Gen Y is estimated to be a population of 30 million American males. That is a pool of over 53 million young men of which 10 million are estimated to be affected young men and represent roughly 20 percent of this cohort. I am amazed at the number of people who claim that this estimate may be much too low!

So, what is the big deal with these men? What manifestations, attitudes, and behaviors do they exhibit, that would label them as dysfunctional? What is the commentary on a sizable portion of this cohort of young adults? The people they interact with on a daily basis, their family, friends, and employers, can best answer these questions.

It goes something like this.

"He's so gifted and full of such great potential, but he can't seem to stick to anything."

"He doesn't work and doesn't communicate with our family. He stays up all night on the Internet and sleeps all day."

"He can't hold a job, and it doesn't seem to bother him. We are out of answers."

"What turned my, once-cute little brother into this wreck of a man?"

"We grew up together. This is not the guy who used to protect me from bullies as we walked to school."

"We could just kick him out, but he might not survive."

"He is just drifting, as if his only goal is to make it through another day."

"His lifestyle and his professed claim to be a Christian do not match up. He's self-centered and only weakly committed to the kids and me. He gives the expected performance on Sunday and he's a mess the rest of the week."

"He's so troubled, but he won't talk to anyone. He'd rather self-medicate with excess food, alcohol, or drugs. I can't seem to make him understand how much I need him to step up and be the man of the house."

"We would promote him to a higher position in the company, but he lacks the values and discipline necessary for advancement. It's a shame."

These are examples of what parents, wives, sisters, friends, and employers say about the young men in their lives. We, the people who care about these young men, need to be asking some questions.

How did this happen?

Consider this. Young boys grow up and learn what is "normal" by observing the culture, adults, and situations they encounter around them. The TV and movies that young boys watch encode their attitudes, beliefs, and values for when they become men (attitude, belief, and value will be defined later). Do not think the funny TV shows depicting men as lazy, stupid, bumbling, shiftless, unproductive, valueless, never rewarded for gentleness, cold, distant, or glamorizing the player lifestyle aren't being processed by those young minds. These distorted portrayals of men are linked to humorous sitcoms; the messages are pleasantly viewed; and because children are rarely debriefed at the end of a night of TV watching, they tend to have an insidious effect.

Learning normalcy is also influenced by the presence or absence of intentional, instructional training and disciplined life lessons on the role of a man in society. The stresses of two parents working to keep families financially solvent combined with the shortcomings of latchkey realities, exhaustive after-school schedules, and weekend activities, leave limited time for quality training and nurture options. We are not passing judgment. It is what it is.

The Church should admit to some accountability here, too. Rarely do religious education programs intentionally develop curriculum to teach boys how to internalize and apply Christian principles and behaviors, as they become adolescents and adults interacting with the world. There are no "lab sessions," practicum experiences, or role-playing exercises to aid adolescents with the development of correct attitudes, beliefs, and values. These are the ways we train teachers, doctors, and lawyers in our culture. A former pastor I know has said that he felt these ways were too "worldly" for use in the Church. I think he is sadly mistaken. Just because a technique isn't expressly ordained in Holy Scripture doesn't really mean it couldn't be used effectively.

Church leaders who count warm bodies in the pews as evidence that they have fulfilled their mission to their parishioners, but who do not also invest in developing Christian men of strength and vitality, will see these men drift away. These young men will rarely achieve their God-ordained potential. The real tragedy in all of this is the loss of peace, joy, and fulfillment by these men and a continuation of the cycle of despair into the next generation will become increasingly probable. We grieve for these young men, for their families, for their troubled relationships with women, for their children, and for their careers. We grieve for the little children of the next generation, who view all this dysfunction as normal. Financial stability will erode and families will implode.

In most cases, loving parents, who respect each other and their children, seem to pass stable lifestyle values down...