Too many people have surrendered to the belief that dissatisfaction, neglect, infidelity, abuse, disrespect, conflict, exploitation and betrayal are natural, normal, and unavoidable characteristics of romantic relationships and even marriage. We are presented with a choice: relationships that don't last and relationships that do, as long as participants are willing to endure inevitable suffering, mistreatment, and victimization, usually at the hands of one another. Loving in the Grown Zone is a rejection of that thinking. It is testament to the authors' belief that while there may be no such thing as a perfect relationship, that is not justification for accepting anything less than healthy relationships. No one is required to accept mistreatment as the price of a loving, safe, and sustainable relationship of honor, esteem, and respect. Furthermore, establishing such healthy, resilient, and fulfilling relationships are not a matter of luck or chance, but of intention, learnable skills and practices, and commitment to personal growth. Loving in the Grown Zone urges you to learn those skills and commit to those practices, including recognizing the difference between the attractors that motivate us to initiate romantic relationships and the sustainers required to ensure that such relationships are healthy, safe, and affirming for both partners.
Loving in the Grown Zone
A No-Nonsense Guide to Making Healthy Decisions in the Quest for Loving, Romantic Relationships of Honor, Esteem, and Respect
By Zara D. Green, Alfred A. Edmond Jr.Balboa Press
Copyright © 2014 Zara D. Green and Alfred A. Edmond Jr.
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4525-9753-9Contents
Dedication, vii,
Preface, ix,
Introduction, xi,
Adulthood Happens: Personal Growth Is A Choice, 1,
To Find Healthy Love, Embrace Your Single Life, 4,
3 Signs That He Is Not A Grown Man, 7,
3 Signs That She's Not A Grown Woman, 11,
Hot New Romance? Only Fools Rush In, 16,
3 Reasons We Commit To Love That Won't Last, 19,
4 Things You Shouldn't Give Up For Love, 23,
3 Keys To Healthy Relationships, 29,
A Quality Mate Never Needs A Makeover, 33,
What Grown Folks Know About Love That Most Don't, 36,
Forget The Man Shortage: Grown Men Don't Cheat, 39,
Don't Confuse Sex And Love, 41,
What To Look For In The Search For Lasting Love, 44,
If You're Addicted To Love, It's Not Love, 47,
To Find Healthy Relationships, End Unhealthy Ones, 49,
3 Ways To Treat Break-Ups As Acts Of Love, 53,
Respect The Power of The Poonannie (Feminine Sexuality), 57,
Be Guided By Self-Love, Not Ego, 60,
Why Players Don't Deserve A Pass, 64,
Stop Being Fooled By `I Love You', 67,
Possessiveness Has Nothing To Do With Healthy Love, 70,
A Grown Man Is Not Ruled By His Sex Drive, 73,
Never Settle For Less Than Good For You, 76,
Just Say No To Crazy Love, 79,
4 Popular Relationship Fixes That Never Work, 82,
Grown Fatherhood Is A Choice, Not An Accident, 86,
Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself For Love, 90,
Stop Financial Foolery In The Name Of Love, 94,
Wedding Planning Is Not Marriage Planning, 103,
To Find Love, Accept No Substitutes, 107,
Forgiveness Does Not Mean Accepting Unloving Treatment, 110,
How To Recognize Good Love, 113,
Glossary, 119,
Resources, 123,
About the Authors, 125,
CHAPTER 1
Adulthood Happens: Personal Growth Is A Choice
In the Grown Zone, we differentiate between being an adult, and being "Grown." We recognize that most people view these terms as synonymous, but there is a significant difference between the two. All it takes to become an adult is to survive puberty; it is simply a matter of biological maturation—from infant, to toddler, to child, to tween, to teen, and then, adult. However, it is a mistake to view adulthood as the final stage of personal growth. Stopping at mere adulthood is the equivalent of arrested development, just as it would be if you stopped at any of the previous stages of maturation. The alternative is not something that just happens, but must be a conscious choice to continuously learn, grow and to increase your capacity to give and receive love throughout your lifetime. That is, to be Grown.
When pain, drama, unstable relationships, and self-destructive choices are recurrent themes of a person's life, there is a high probability that the person, regardless of their age, has not committed to personal growth. A sure sign is when a person keeps repeating the same drama (i.e. unplanned pregnancies, job firings, violent encounters, failed marriages, etc.), seeing life not as a result of their choices, but a series of things that happen or are being done to them that they have no responsibility or power to change. On the other hand, those who choose to be Grown accept and own the choices and outcomes of their lives, and proactively pursue learning and growth. They understand that "It just happened" is just code for "I made an adult choice without an agenda for Grown decision-making."
So what does a Grown decision-making agenda look like? Following are some of the key principles of the Grown Zone:
Though we are each unique, we are created with a common purpose: to grow (i.e. learn) and to love. Love produces growth, and personal growth increases your capacity to love. Anything that prevents your ability to love and grow freely is unhealthy for you. A healthy relationship is one in which each person is committed to loving, honoring, strengthening and supporting the growth of the other. This defines all healthy relationships, not just romantic ones.
Healthy relationships are about how you are being treated, not how you are being made to feel. It's about what and who supports and nourishes your capacity to love and grow, not just about what or who brings you pleasure.
Don't mistake being wanted or desired for being valued and loved. Learn the difference between being "loved" for what you look like, what you have and/or what you can do, and being loved for YOU.
You don't get what you desire or deserve in love or life; you get what you accept. For this reason, an uncompromising standard of self-love is critical to healthy relationships. Accepting responsibility for enforcing this standard is critical to your ability to not become fuquitable—vulnerable to deceit and manipulation. You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. Fail to honor, esteem and respect yourself and others will follow your lead.
All people should be required to prove worthy of access to your money, home, body and heart. That proof can only be acquired through time, investigation and observation; until then, your time and the pleasure of your company is more than enough. When seeking healthy relationships, time is always your friend; anyone who argues otherwise is not your friend. Watch, wait and learn, before committing your money, body, home or heart.
It is not your responsibility, nor is it within your power, to change, fix or control another person's behavior with your love. For example, a person not committed to fidelity on general principle, will not change for you.
Drawing clear, hard lines for what you will and will not accept is an act of love of yourself and others. Most of those who say they want to love you are not qualified to do it. It's your responsibility to set, share—and enforce—your standard. Failing to communicate that standard or allowing it to be violated more than once is to be a voluntary victim.
How you got here is not as important as what you do now that you are here. Grown folks are not limited by their past; they recognize that it is not a ceiling on their potential, but a foundation from which to grow.
They accept it—good, bad and ugly—and remain focused on making their next decision better. They own their past, but they do not let their past own them.
Your former self needs three things from you: compassion, forgiveness and acceptance; your current and future stability depends on this. There is no room for guilt, condemnation or shame in the Grown Zone. Instead of trying to fix, change or deny the past, self-love requires that you learn from it, while focusing on making your next decision better. Too often, we accept unhealthy circumstances because we believe that we can't do—or worse, we're unworthy of—better. In the Grown Zone, better is always available, because as long as we can breathe and learn, we can grow.
We will touch on the application of these principles in matters of life and love throughout this book, as we invite you to live—and love—in the Grown Zone!
CHAPTER 2
To Find Healthy Love, Embrace Your Single Life
Are you...
