When marriages hit rough spots, the men and women in them need wise and informed help. Through personal experience, Joe and Michelle Williams have learned what works and what doesn't in the tough times of marriage. Having experienced several divorces each before becoming Christians, Joe and Michelle write with insight and authority that can't be denied. Includes a Temperament test and survey to help readers evaluate their marriage, questions for self-evaluation, and group- or support-partner discussion questions.
Yes, YOUR MARRIAGE CAN BE SAVED
12 Truths for Rescuing your RelationshipBy JOE WILLIAMS MICHELLE WILLIAMSTyndale House Publishers, Inc.
Copyright © 2007 Joe and Michelle Williams
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-58997-381-7Contents
Introduction.......................................................11. Prayer and Church Attendance Are Not Enough.....................72. You Need to Build a Safe Support System.........................173. God Will Answer Your Prayers, His Way...........................314. Identify Secret Motives.........................................495. Spouses May Change After Marriage...............................656. Anger Can Be Handled God's Way..................................877. Even Little White Lies Are Big Trouble..........................1098. You Can Develop Healthy Boundaries..............................1339. Make Changes-Even with an Unwilling Spouse......................15710. Listen to the Right Counsel....................................17911. Battle Outside Opposition......................................19912. Reconciling-God's Way..........................................219Notes..............................................................231
Chapter One
Prayer and Church Attendance Are Not Enough
Everyone who drinks of this water will thirst again; but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life. -John 4:13-14, NASB
We've just celebrated our 25th year of marriage. Our five children and ten grandchildren celebrated with us. We have so much to be thankful for: the joy we feel serving side by side in ministry; the comfort of knowing that no matter how upset we might get with each other, we will never threaten separation or divorce; and, most important, the mutual love we share for one another with Christ as the center of our marriage. We are best friends and we have fun together-but it hasn't always been that way.
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When Michelle and I married in January 1982, neither of us thought it was necessary to seek premarital counseling. We thought the mistakes from our past marriages and divorces would equip us for dealing with anything we might encounter in our relationship. But it turned out that being a stepdad to Michelle's three daughters (two of them teenagers) was more difficult than I ever could have imagined. In fact, Michelle and I were married less than a month when we had our first big argument over parenting issues. I walked out the door of our house and into a local bar and returned home after having more than a few drinks. Neither Michelle nor I discussed the incident for fear of starting the argument all over again. Instead, we buried it-a bad habit we continued for years to come.
Soon after we married, Michelle got pregnant, and we thought having a child together might help our marriage. We were wrong. Not only did our troubles continue, but we separated for three months when our son, Mick, was less than a year old. When we got back together, we made a promise not to separate again and things seemed great between us. But our "honeymoon period" was short-lived, and soon we were right back to our same old pattern: arguing and making up, but never resolving anything. I would often go to a bar and drink too much when we argued, and this destructive cycle continued for about three years. Then, one night after going to a bar, I returned home to find that Michelle and the kids were gone. When I located them at her mom's house the next day, she said she wasn't coming home unless I moved out. I tried to get her to change her mind, but she was adamant. So, I decided to pack a few things and go to my hometown of Santa Maria, California, to stay with family and wait for Michelle to cool off so we could work on getting back together.
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I (Michelle) was so fed up with our arguments and Joe's drinking that I was relieved when he went to Santa Maria. I started living as if I were single again and refused to talk to him each time he called. Then, a few weeks later, I ran into an old high school friend, and she invited me to attend church with her. Joe and I had taken the kids to church a few times, but had never attended regularly. I accepted her invitation, and even though I didn't give up my "single" lifestyle, I started going to church every week.
One Sunday morning a few weeks later, the pastor invited people to the altar who wanted to receive Christ. The pastor also explained the importance of Christians who had been living outside of God's will to rededicate their lives to Him. I knew God was speaking to my heart and telling me to change my ways once and for all. Although I had prayed to receive Christ and was baptized in 1975 during a week-long Christian crusade, I never got involved in a church or studied the Bible. As a result, my relationship with the Lord didn't grow, and I continued to look for significance from the love of men rather than God. That Sunday I repented of my ways and prayed to rededicate my life to God. The woman I prayed with encouraged me to attend a weekly class on the foundations of the Christian faith.
Not long afterward, Joe called from Santa Maria. "Michelle," he said, "I miss you and the kids. I want you to sell our business and move here to Santa Maria with me."
"You've got to be kidding!" I told him. "I'll never do that. There's no way I'm going to live with you again. I know you're still drinking when you get angry, and I'm not going to walk on eggshells in my own home. If you miss the kids, then you can move back here, but I'm not moving six hours away." I concluded the conversation with the big clincher: "Besides, I've started attending church regularly, and I've found out that we are 'unequally yoked.' So, I don't have to reconcile with you."
Unequally yoked was a term someone shared with me from the passage in 2 Corinthians 6:14 about Christians not partnering with unbelievers, and I was happy to misuse it as biblical confirmation that I didn't have to reconcile with Joe. Even though I had stopped dating other men and made a recommitment to follow Jesus, I was still doing things my way rather than God's, and I was determined to live life without Joe. I enjoyed the peace in our home now that we were apart.
Joe was pretty frustrated when we hung up, but a week or so later, he came back to Modesto and moved in with one of his friends. The following Sunday he showed up at the same church I was now attending. When the pastor gave the invitation to receive Christ, Joe walked forward. He's just trying to trick me into going back with him by pretending to become a Christian, I thought angrily.
* * *
I (Joe) didn't want another divorce and hoped to save our marriage by moving back to Modesto. My parents went through a bitter divorce when I was young, and my dad never modeled how to be a godly husband or father. It seemed I was following in his footsteps. When I relocated to Modesto prior to meeting Michelle, my son Jason, from my first marriage, was a teenager. After Michelle and I got married, I saw Jason only a couple of times a year and, as a result, I was not the dad he needed me to be. I knew that if I didn't start living life differently, the same thing was going to happen in my relationship with my son Mick.
When I walked forward to...
