Variety is the spice of life! Can you imagine what life would be like without variety-only eating soup every day, watching the same television show, or wearing the same shirt or the same pair of pants every day? Doesn't that just seem ludicrous? So why would we have sex with the same woman for the rest of our lives? While author Mr. Goodbar believes that being in a committed relationship, such as marriage, can be good-even great at times-it can also become repetitive and even boring. The Married Man's Guide to Cheating was written to help men enjoy the spice of life without having to pay the ultimate price-losing their married life, having to pay alimony or child support, and losing half of everything they own. Most of this guide was developed based on discussions with married men who have either been successfully cheating or those who have been caught cheating. Just about every married man with whom Mr. Goodbar spoke, when asked how long they been married, responded, "Too long!" The Married Man's Guide to Cheating offers insight into how to become a successful cheater and common actions to avoid when cheating.

The Married Man's GUIDE TO CHEATING

RULES AND REGULATIONS OF THE GAMEBy Mr. Goodbar

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2011 Mr. Goodbar
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4502-7816-4

Contents

Introduction................................................1Chapter 1: The Potential Mistress...........................3Chapter 2: Know When to Hold 'Em............................11Chapter 3: Keeping Wifey in the Dark........................14Chapter 4: Saying "I Love You"..............................21Chapter 5: Know When to Fold 'Em............................24Chapter 6: Breaking It Off..................................30Chapter 7: Getting Caught...................................34Chapter 8: Up Your Game (by Hoggerello).....................38Summary.....................................................41

Chapter One

The Potential Mistress

Women. Believe it or not, most married men don't just go out looking to have an affair—especially a long-term affair—but sometimes it just happens. An occasional one-night stand maybe, but sometimes we get into a steady, ongoing relationship with another woman—and that's when everything changes.

Sometimes what we think is going to be a harmless one-night stand or just a friend with benefits for a while can turn out to be a long-term, ongoing affair. One of the main reasons for this is that usually the people that we have affairs with are the people that we already know or the people that we have encounters with on a regular basis—whether it's a coworker, a friend, a friend of a friend, or even a friend of the wife! I know that sounds dirty, but those types of situations happen all the time.

Since most of these women are already aware that they are about to get involved with a married man, they should already know to keep all of their emotions in check, right? Wrong! Even though they are aware of the situation that they are about to get into, they still can't help getting emotionally involved—and the longer the affair goes on, the worse it gets. That's where all the problems start—so there are rules to dealing with a potential mistress.

Rule #1: Any woman that you get involved with should know that you're married.

Any woman that you get involved with should always be aware that you are married. Once you let her know that you're married, you're placing the ball in her court—and then it's her decision to pursue it or leave it alone.

Timing is everything on this one because if you spring the "M" word on them too quickly, it can turn them away. However, once they get to know you a little better and your personality starts to grow on them, they start to feel comfortable around you. It almost becomes okay for them to get involved with you—even though they know that you're a married man. Once they get into that comfort zone, flirting seems to become harmless banter and exchanging numbers doesn't seem like such a big deal anymore. As a matter of fact, flirting with her and being married can be something of an aphrodisiac to her—and they make you even more desirable in her eyes. I guess that's just human nature. It seems like the things that we can't or shouldn't have are the things that we want or desire the most. I guess it is the old Adam and Eve forbidden fruit syndrome.

Any woman that's willing to get involved with you knowing that you're married is probably just looking for the same fun-filled, physical, no-strings-attached relationship that you are. I can't even begin to fathom having a mistress and not being able to sleep with her. That's like having a Lamborghini and not being able to drive it—what's the point? So she's definitely in it for all of the same reasons that you are. Any woman that's willing to be your mistress is most likely willing to be your (insert fantasy here) chick as well, which brings me to rule #2.

Rule #2: Never wait until after you've had sex with the other woman to let her know that you're married.

Waiting until after you've had sex with the other woman to let her know that you're married is just asking for drama. Even if you've never denied being married or it never even came up in a conversation, she will still feel hurt and used, as if you've lied to her. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!" You don't want that type of drama in your life—especially if she knows where you work or the kind of car that you drive!

One way or another, all of my married buddies and I have had to learn this lesson the hard way. I will never forget my first time stepping out in my marriage. The woman that I was involved with (let's just call her "Snickers") caught me cheating on her—with my own wife! Yes, you read that right—it wasn't a typo.

I wanted to get involved with this woman, but she knew that I was married and wanted no parts of that. Since she was thicker than a Snickers and I wanted her bad, I lied to her and told her that my wife and I were separated and weren't in a sexual relationship anymore.

You're probably thinking that I'm such a dog and that I was dead wrong. Yeah, I know—but shut up! If you had seen her, you would have done the same thing—so don't judge me! We started vigorously dating, but I was successfully hiding the fact that I was still married.

One day, my wife and I were walking together holding hands at the South Florida Fair and we walked right in front of Snickers! She looked at me in shock as if she was about to walk over to us and say something. I guess she thought twice about it—or maybe she really didn't want to deal with the confrontation—but she chose not to say anything. I'm glad that she didn't because I don't know what I would have done in that situation. I'm sure that I would have said, "Baby, I don't know this crazy bitch"! Either that or I would have punched her in the face and yelled, "Run! She has a bomb!" What other choices would I have had?

Somehow she let me go that night. I thought that she would let me off the hook and that would be the end of it, but I was wrong. She didn't let me get away unscathed—she made me pay for it later. She flattened my tires and keyed the word "Liar" into the passenger side of my car! I couldn't really get mad because I knew I deserved it. I took it with a grain of salt and sucked it up. Flattening tires, busting out windows, and keying up cars must be in the "Women That Have Been Wronged" handbook.

I learned that costly lesson the very first time that it was taught to me—and I don't ever want a refresher course. I guess that old saying is true when they said "no pain, no gain." Now I'm straight up with women when it comes to matters of the heart, and they can either take it or leave it. If it's meant to be, it'll be. I just sit back and let nature take its course.

Since most women perceive sex to be the beginning of a relationship, you should always volunteer that information so that there are no mishaps or misunderstandings later on down the road. I think I speak for all men when I say that none of us wants to deal with the head-rolling, finger-pointing, "Let me tell you about yourself" attitude when we're presenting you with an indecent proposal. We do not need to hear any of those dreaded clichés—"All men are alike," or "Men are such dogs," or the worst one of all "Oh no you didn't." When we're trying to pursue a "jump-off."

There's nothing you're telling us that we don't already know. Just go with the flow or step politely to...