.

Mashed Potatoes and Gravy

A Woman's Journal through Surviving CancerBy Barbara Maddox

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2010 Barbara Maddox
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4502-1868-9

Contents

Introduction.............................................xiCycle One: Shining a Light...............................1Cycle Two: Finding Comforts..............................29Cycle Three: The Universe Is Calling.....................69Cycle Four: Breaking Spirit..............................93Cycle Five: Balancing Act................................121Cycle Six: Being Human...................................139Cycle Seven: Tipping Point...............................159Cycle Eight: Clawing Out.................................183Post-Treatment: A New Beginning..........................195

Chapter One

Cycle One

Shining a Light

The Beginning June 2008

Day one of chemotherapy. I'm sitting in the doctor's office as I write this, getting a dose of one of the many chemo drugs I will receive intravenously. I have a port in my chest that was surgically inserted last Friday. The site is still a little sore and so swollen that the nurse's first attempt to access the port with an IV needle was very difficult. It hurt, the pain a shock to my system. I hyperventilated and felt like I was going to faint. I couldn't get my breath under control as fear gripped my body and I started sobbing. Reality was sinking in. Another nurse came over to help calm me. After about twenty minutes, they attempted the needle insertion again-this time successfully-and so the journey begins.

So far today, I've had two drugs intravenously-one for nausea, the other a steroid to help the nausea medication. As I continue to write, I'm currently receiving drug number three, which is one of the chemo drugs. I'll get three more through the IV before I leave today. By mouth, I have already taken a different drug for nausea and two other chemo drugs. One of the oral chemo drugs is actually a steroid, prednisone. This little pill, at the dosage I'm taking, will cause all sorts of wonderful symptoms like water retention and puffiness in the face, weight gain, and insomnia. I'll have fourteen days of this special pill. The other oral chemo drug is procarbazine, which I'll take for seven days. I get to come back to the doctor's office the next two days, rest four days at home, and then report back for two consecutive days next week. A total of five out of nine days that I'll get poked in the chest. Then a week off to recoup and we start the routine all over again.

I'm not the first to go through this, nor will I be the last. The treatments sound daunting, but frankly, I welcome them. All I want to do is kick this thing and start the second half of my life 100 percent healthy. I expect the chemotherapy to do its job, and I will do my job of tending to my mental and spiritual side, and tough it out through the rough days ahead.

* * *

Two days of treatment and I am kind of surprised that I am still feeling okay. I definitely feel like I have drugs flowing through me, but I have experienced nothing yet of the horrible side effects. They tell me to expect that by the weekend. My mom will stay with me for a few days. There is nothing like the comfort of your mom squeezing your hand and holding back your hair while you puke in a bucket.

Speaking of hair, I did get my long mane chopped off this past weekend prior to starting my chemotherapy treatment. Yes, my brown and golden tresses are gone-and in their place is a pretty sassy-looking bob. I must say, I truly dig it. I decided to take charge and go short now. Better to pull out clumps of short hair than long hair-less traumatic, ya know?

Day two of the first cycle is in the books, only three hours in the doctor's office (versus seven yesterday). I have great confidence in the medical team treating me. My doctor is extremely thorough; the nurses are caring and definitely in your camp. And the biggest support at my side is my husband. Chris has been absolutely amazing. The care and concern he has shown for me demonstrates the depth of his love for me. How very lucky I am.

My Sanctuary

After three days of chemo at the doctor's office and one day at home to recoup, so far, so good. I thought I'd have my head in a bucket or over the toilet. I am tired for sure and have much discomfort in my belly area, but other than that, I am able to get around well and do things for myself.

What a comfort it is to have my mom here for a few days. She lives only across town and doesn't drive, so my brother dropped her off to stay with me. And although she is on oxygen, she wants to help so much, bless her heart. You should see us-I'm busy trying to make sure she's comfortable, while she's trying to comfort me. She can get around pretty easily; she is feisty-that's where I get my spirit. (She claims we're so different, but we're much more alike than she would ever admit.) My other siblings were here as well today. I am being well cared for.

You should see the sanctuary my husband has built for me in the little sitting room of our master bedroom. It is awesome. Chris is a mighty good project manager, and I and my plight have become Project Barb. He envisioned this space-a calming, working retreat-without my input, but he knew such a place would make life simpler for me, and he also knew I would not ask for the trouble. And the trouble people have gone through for me is heartwarming. Chris is a great visionary but needs a team around him, being more of a director and leader and less of an expert in things such as electronics, interior design, and the operation of certain hand tools. I have a new flat-screen TV on the wall, which I can also use as a computer monitor. My brother-in-law, Ken, wired the room, and my brother Michael set up my remote keyboard and mouse. I have a handsome leather chaise lounge, which will serve as my nap couch, my television-viewing couch, and my reading and journaling couch. My friend Tami helped me decorate with pictures and candles to bring some warmth to the room. I must admit, I feel a little spoiled, but that's okay, isn't it?

I cannot find the words to express what I am feeling in my heart for people rallying to my side. One of my dear friends, Jackie, put together a custom Web site where I can post medical updates and, more importantly, journal about my experiences. Another idea born in that splendid mind of my husband's. The Saturday after I was released from the hospital, Chris organized a planning meeting, which included my sister Jeanette, brother Michael, and good friends Alex and Tami. Together they launched Project Barb and have made my transition to this journey comfortable and worry-free, to my most delightful surprise. My sister has been my champion and is managing online calendars for meals and my medical appointments. She is so thankful for the help of Alex, who has rallied the BOTS girls, my book-club girlfriends, to assist with Project Me. (BOTS is "Books on the Side," appropriately named because we frankly do not always read the chosen book-if one is even chosen-so the reading of books falls to the side, as we prefer to enjoy each other's company and drink much wine.)

Okay, I'm tired now. Gotta go.

Earthly Angels

July 2008

I am so excited to be through day eight of...