Protecting children from all forms of abuse and understanding their formative years is on the minds of today's professionals and families. In At the Mercy of Externals, author Dr. David L. Roberts provides a practical model to successfully guide kids into adulthood. He introduces his Roberts FLAGS model (or RFLAGS), which explains how we tend to act out emotion-based anxiety rather than face the issues from the past that are often fueling our negative emotions of Fear, Loneliness, Anger, Guilt, and Shame. The model serves as a visual and intellectual way to understand the development of maladaptive behavior, and it is a means of helping us to understand that behavior is not necessarily representative of who we are as a person. A companion to Psyche-Soul-ology, At the Mercy of Externals advocates a two-step approach to the problems families, kids, and professionals face in various situations and contexts. Roberts uses examples from his dysfunctional childhood, combined with his professional experiences helping at-risk youth, to demonstrate the importance of repairing our lives as adults as a preliminary step to nurturing and protecting children.

At the Mercy of Externals

Righting Wrongs and Protecting KidsBy David L. Roberts

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2012 David L. Roberts, BA, MS, MS, Ph.D.
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4759-1637-9

Contents

Preface............................................................................................ixChapter I Foundations of Beliefs...................................................................1Chapter II Roberts FLAGS Model....................................................................14Chapter III Adult Roles and Responsibilities......................................................33Chapter IV Insult and Injury......................................................................45Chapter V Contexts of Abuse and Victimization.....................................................58Chapter VI Results and Losses Associated With Abuse and Victimization..............................82Chapter VII KIDS..................................................................................95Chapter VIII Balancing the Scales.................................................................108Chapter IX In Defense of the Underdogs: Those Truly at the Mercy of Externals.....................125Chapter X Pairing and Parenting: The Basics.......................................................141Chapter XI Breaking the Cycles....................................................................156Chapter XII Myth and the Need for Critical Thinking................................................167

Chapter One

Foundations of Beliefs

My desire to become a psychologist stemmed from my fascination with human nature and what makes people "tick" so to speak. Part of that desire included a need to understand myself, as well as the people who played significant roles in my life. Of particular interest were the members of my immediate family and my relationships with them. Because of my belief that the complicating factors from my childhood also complicated my adult years, I became determined to leave the past where it belonged and create more productive patterns of thinking and behaving to help me fulfill the roles I would assume as I matured. By using a metaphorical microscope to carefully examine my "self" and various factors from my past, I have discovered some amazing ways of understanding what makes people tick which have nothing to do with blaming or scapegoating. The alternative is to understand people for whom they are rather than for whom we might like them to be. This approach allows us to move forward without all of the hatred and resentment resulting from harmful experiences during childhood.

Another significant discovery was the understanding I gained of the importance of effectively fulfilling our adult roles and responsibilities as they pertain to children of all ages. My work as a psychologist has made me painfully aware of the damage done to kids when these roles are neglected and not taken seriously. In today's world of being so busy and self-absorbed it is easy to forget that the kids in our lives still deserve our complete commitment to be the best we can be for them and for ourselves. One of the most rewarding outcomes from my interaction with kids is watching them learn and grow – even in my roles as father and grandfather. As you read this book you will learn how to facilitate the same process for kids more effectively and appropriately than ever before. In other words you will be able to optimize your effectiveness to match your intentions and hope of making a difference relative to the roles you choose. You will also have the opportunity in some cases to be that one adult who makes a positive difference in the lives of kids under your care. If you successfully apply these approaches to your role as a parent then you won't need to place so much hope on interventions from "outsiders". This level of effectiveness will occur only after each of us completes a thorough and honest process of self-assessment and evaluation, seeking professional guidance when the task appears to be too daunting and painful to complete alone.

I feel as though I have been given this process as an inspired task, one that I accept wholeheartedly, by sharing with the world the things I have learned over the last several years and especially intensifying about 1986. It was at that time I began to pursue what ultimately became my career as a licensed clinical psychologist. While this book is not about me, it comes from within me relative to almost unbelievable life-altering experiences I have had both on a personal and a professional level. Within the pages of this text I will share only a few very personal accounts associated with my journey through childhood and early adulthood as they relate to an understanding of how I know what I know. As I look back to 1986 and the years between then and now, I am amazed at how carefully and clearly my ideas have evolved. I firmly believe the process of writing this book originates from a Source much greater than myself alone, and actually is a gift from that Source through me to the world.

My younger brother recently asked me, as we discussed some sensitive historical family matters, why I get so emotional about such things. At that moment I didn't know how to respond and I simply indicated that my emotions are probably associated with my perception that I have been through a lot. In the months since that conversation I have come to realize how my training, education, and profession have made me intensely aware of and more sensitive to incredible hardship in the lives of people around the world. These experiences made it necessary early on that I participate earnestly in my own personal therapy as a continuation and amplification of an ongoing process of honest and open self-evaluation. I know this is one of the main reasons, as an important first step, for my successes and reputation as a licensed clinical psychologist. My decision to start my own therapy resulted directly from my desire to work continuously toward becoming the best person I can become; always trying to be the best I can be at any given moment and yet still striving for more knowledge and wisdom as my process continues.

In spite of barriers often associated with race and culture, I have been able to go into geographical areas and interact with people of amazing diversity, and be accepted. For me this has been and is a very humbling experience making me extremely conscious of the never-outdated concept of "man's inhumanity to man". I see more and more how this lack of consideration and regard appears to be based in both arrogance and ignorance which often results in abuse/victimization of others within the contexts of home/family, school, community, society, politics, and religion.

While this book will focus primarily on the first three contexts of home/ family, school, and community I will also attempt to address the last three more lofty and philosophical contexts of society, politics, and religion. The effort will be to propose ways my model, and its various components, are rather universally applicable. Within this text I hope to gain the attention of adults within all readily identifiable roles, as well as the attention of people in more global positions of power and influence over others. This list of adult groups will start with parents, relatives, and other individuals from the first three contexts who are directly responsible for children and for others who are in some ways vulnerable.

From there I will attempt to expand the list to include people and groups...