CHAPTER 1
Major! Minor! Mindful!
You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway.—Steve Maraboli
What is stress? This is a useful, pragmatic definition of stress. Stress has a lot to do with what we feel. It is the anxious or threatening feeling that comes when we appraise a situation as being more than our physical, emotional, or psychological resources can adequately handle. Notice the key word: appraise. Stress is rooted in our appraisal of what is happening to us.
"As we encounter new experiences with a mindful and wise attention, we discover that one of three things will happen to our new experience: it will go away, it will stay the same, or it will get more intense."—Jack Kornfield, A Path with Heart: A Guide Through the Perils and Promises of Spiritual Life
Appraisal is a deeply personal experience, because people experience stress in different ways; this is the fundamental reality of stress. It is personal and rooted in what is taking place in our lives. Our responses to stress are also personal. For example, you have just learned you are going to be relocating to a new city, someplace you have never lived before. For some people, the prospect of moving to a brand-new place can be an instantly overwhelming experience, one that can produce significant amounts of what they might describe as stress. Packing, arranging for movers, expenses, exploring new doctors, making new friends, changing schools, or finding a new job are issues to consider when relocating. Just thinking about moving can leave someone feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, perhaps even mentally incapacitated.
On the other hand, someone else could view this same event as an entirely positive "new chapter" in life—a challenge to be met and overcome, something to welcome and learn from. For this person, a move to a new city could be seen as a significant avenue for personal growth. Because of an optimistic attitude, this person may have a reaction to the event that is very different from that of the person who is feeling anxious and overwhelmed. But here is the part we often overlook:
We have more control over how we experience such situations than we think.
If you consider a move to another city to be a debilitating, exhausting ordeal, you may recognize your own reactions to that situation. You can learn to change your thinking and feeling about that situation in order to cope effectively. With a little practice and time, you can change your reaction to potentially stressful events. You can learn how to respond rather than react.
The ability to respond constructively to stress is an important life skill, because stress is both ubiquitous and potentially dangerous to us. No matter who you are, eventually you will experience something that is personally stressful. Whether it is sitting in traffic, getting married, going through a divorce, looking for a new job, waiting in a doctor's office, struggling to make financial ends meet, caring for a sick family member, or waiting for an airplane to take off, you will experience a situation that makes you doubt your ability to handle it. This is part of the human developmental process.
Each of us can learn this lifesaving skill, but there is a catch: we must do so as individuals, knowing our own unique strengths and blind spots. We must approach challenges with a willingness to be fully present in our own lives. That process can begin for you right now!
Most of us get into the habit of poisoning ourselves with stress, anxiety, and fear. Why? Because we have not learned how to establish balance, inner happiness, and peace in our lives or within ourselves.
Happiness is a state of mind. It involves taking full responsibility for our own thoughts, words, and actions. Speaking of taking responsibility, consider this important quote:
"Nothing can do us more harm than a thought unguarded."—The Buddha
Based on my experience as both a licensed clinical therapist and retired law-enforcement officer, I observed that the human mind is either a great ally or a dangerous adversary. With just a little practice, we can ensure that it is our ally. Take a minute to ask yourself: Is my mind my best friend or my worst enemy?
In order to establish balance in our own lives, we must to practice guarding our own thoughts. This practice is what allows us to develop productive responses to stressful events.
Most of us do not have much practice when it comes to guarding our thoughts from the events that unfold before us. Typically, we react to the incidents in our lives that cause stress (stressors). Usually, we react pretty heedlessly. Reacting rather than responding only enhances the lack of balance in our lives, making it all the more difficult to reestablish our natural state of balance. All too often, we allow our unguarded thoughts to control our feelings and behaviors.
It is very easy to react rather than respond to the stressors in our lives. At times, it seems we live in an unbalanced and generally unhappy world. The reality is that there are a lot of potential stressors out there. We do not have a lot of practice responding mindfully to stress. Yet, if we pay attention, we will notice that the stressors we encounter are not all equal. Noticing this is an excellent point of entry.
Creating the balance necessary to respond consciously to the stressors in our lives requires understanding and patience, something most people do not have. Human beings experience two very different kinds of stress. In order to respond consciously to either kind of stress, it helps to have a sense of which kind of stressor you are facing. Let us set the stage for your own mindful response to the stressors in your life by looking at the two main kinds of stress and how to distinguish between them clearly.
Two Kinds of Stress
Consider these two lists of potential stressors:
List A
A wedding
A divorce
The death of a close family member
The serious, long-term illness of a family member
The serious physical injury of a family member
The loss of a job
The loss of a home
A major financial setback, such as bankruptcy
An undesired/unprepared-for/unexpected move to a new city
The trauma of being involved in a serious accident
List B
Sitting in slow or unmoving traffic
Waiting for a repair person
Waiting for medical results
Congestion of daily commuting
Waiting in line
Dealing with...
