CHAPTER 1
A
ATTENTION
Attention is one of the most important needs and wants of human beings. Those needs and wants last a lifetime. When children and adults seem to get enough positive attention in their daily lives, they are seen by others as "good kids" and "wonderful neighbors" and "active, loving old people who still do volunteer work and go dancing."
We often call attention-seeking children an itch we can't scratch. On the other hand, for reasons that seem logical, children attention-seekers are more appealing to us than adult attention-seekers who we tend to call a pain in the butt.
Children who feel they don't get enough positive attention will learn a pattern of behavior that is annoying – mostly what we'd say clowning around, making noises, chewing gum and blowing bubbles that pop with just the right volume. The misbehavior is not serious, and the misbehavior stops for awhile – until the next time. In schools, most students who clown around but don't overdo it are actually liked by the teachers and classmates. They are attention-seekers we can live with. They don't physically hurt others. What's more, we see many of them on TV. They are our comedians!
Kids who do not receive positive attention at home find that negative behavior can get them attention when they push smaller kids off the swing or yell, kick or stick a pin in someone's balloon. Negative attention is better than no attention at all for attention-starved children. Attention-seeking behavior is the mildest, less serious form of misbehavior, although that behavior is annoying – it ticks us off and temporarily requires our response. Attention-seekers will annoy us, for sure. They will interrupt us just when it's the last thing we want them to do. And our patience will be tried, time and again. In school, the first name of the most attention-seeking student will be heard frequently throughout the school day. Remember Cassandra? She's a good example of an attention-seeker. How do you think she behaves at home? How do you think her parents cope with her antics, pranks and jokes? It's doubtful her parents find everything she does easy to overlook. It's more likely they wish their daughter would display behavior that could be described as positive and acceptable.
Getting attention in positive ways tells us we are worthy of notice – that we feel we have an important place with others – that we actually matter to those in our family and those in school and those in the community.
I belong!
I fit with people I want to fit with!
I never want to feel like I'm on the outside, looking in!
As for how adults can best respond to those who are wearing them out with annoyances, whining, yelling and arguing, try ignoring as much of the misbehavior as possible. If that isn't an option, assign a logical consequence. In general, the best time to give attention-seekers positive attention is when they are not seeking it! Teachers are pretty successful at reducing negative behavior. Most attention-seekers will never totally give up that behavior. Sometimes, reducing unwanted behavior is the best we can do.
We've begun our travel with the letter A. There are 25 more letters to visit. Let's make sure we inject some humor and minor mischief here and there. Before we get to the letter B, you need to have some clues – to avoid feeling overwhelmed by 25 more topics. Just keep in mind that each of the remaining 25 letters are related, intertwined and connected to Attention. It all begins with A. Many practical ideas will be offered – in plain language. Once we're through the alphabet, roll up your sleeves and be ready to try out new ideas.
FYI. Attention will soon merge with three other letters of the alphabet to form a concept that further explains behavior and misbehavior. This concept is easy to understand and is called The Four Goals of Misbehavior. Rooted in common sense, each Goal will be explored. Attention happens to be Goal 1 of the Four Goals. Things will become clearer as we move along in alphabetical order.
For now, let us B
CHAPTER 2
B
BUT
There's a little humor with BUT so please humor me. Sorry if I sometimes stray from the seriousness of a topic and offend someone. A heavy topic needs a little lightness now and then.
Adults communicate far too often in conversations with one another – family, friends, co-workers – in ways that can mess up a relationship. They tend to be totally unaware that the way they sometimes speak to others is not helping the relationship. Until a good observer catches them mis-using their BUT and mentions it to them, they'll likely find themselves either angering or hurting others' feelings into the future.
Here is an actual conversation overheard a few years ago.
Vera comes down the stairs wearing a new outfit. Charlie is drinking coffee in the kitchen. He acknowledges her with a nod and goes back to reading the sports page. Vera makes a 360 turn in front of him and then says, " I didn't hear the wolf whistle when I came down the stairs." Charlie finally looks up from the newspaper and says, "Didn't I? Oh, sorry." – and returns to his paper. Vera is getting impatient. She comes right out and asks him what he thinks of her new outfit. Charlie finally awakens to his dilemma. He says, "Oh, I thought you wore that to Sharon's wedding – when was that? About ten years ago?"
Vera explodes, then calms down. Charlie attempts to vindicate himself, smiles and says, "It's nice BUT you looked thinner in the dress you wore to Sharon's wedding."
Charlie showed his BUT and Vera left the room in a huff. No more conversations between them that day.
Charlie is like many of us who show their BUT fairly often. We don't realize that once the word BUT is said right after a compliment, the one who just got butted only hears the words that come after the but. The compliment at the beginning of the sentence is forgotten.
Here's a situation shared by a mother who learned to reduce her But.
A mother of two children – a girl and a boy. – loves her kids and gives them lots of healthy attention. The girl is 7 and the boy is 5. Both have daily chores to do. The chores are appropriate to the interests and ages of the kids. The mother's one negative issue is that she shows her BUT too much. On a typical Saturday – when most chores are required of both kids, she notices her daughter has completed all but one of her "jobs." She says, "Way to go Katie. Snoopy knows his food is coming soon."
As she sees her son heading for the TV, she shouts, "Cameron Lee Jones!" as her son seeks his channel. "You made your bed and way to go BUT you didn't put your socks in the hamper and you didn't hang up your good jacket and you didn't feed the cat and now you have your hands on the remote, probably trying to watch a channel I don't want you to watch!"
Mom storms out of the room in a bad mood, leaving her son to turn off the TV and his sister to giggle at his discomfort. Cameron turns to face his older sister. He asks, "How come Mom always calls me Cameron Lee Jones when she's mad at me? She never calls you Katie Marie Jones?"
Mom's But opened up another issue - the Favorite Child syndrome. Lots of luck with that hornet's nest. For sure my husband and I loved and cared for and about all three of our...
