For author Dr. Mary Speed, life consists of the duet of one talking and one listening-and she's doing the listening. It's her life's mission to work with clients to discover and explore the injurious parts and move toward healing. It's about transitions and notions and how to get through them. In Mixed Nuts, Speed shares a wide range of personal stories culled from working sixteen years as a therapist. From addiction to anxiety, compulsion, depression, obsession, panic, marital counseling, and more, she tells of conditions experienced by an array of people who needed someone to listen and help them solve their issues. Speed shows how she's helped clients deal with the transition to retirement, to understanding a parent dating again, and how to be a better parent. Inspiring and educational, Mixed Nuts provides a realistic hope that it is possible to embrace uncertainty and to move through each day with confidence and resolve, looking forward to the next.

Mixed Nuts

By Mary Speed

Abbott Press

Copyright © 2011 Dr. Mary Speed
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4582-0134-8

Contents

LIST OF PHOTOGRAPHS......................................ixPREFACE..................................................xiFORWARD..................................................xiiiINTRODUCTION.............................................xv1. ADDICTION.............................................12. ANOREXIA NERVOSA, BULIMIA NERVOSA.....................43. ANXIETY...............................................74. ASHES TO ASHES........................................105. COMPULSION............................................136. COUPLES THERAPY.......................................167. DEPRESSION............................................198. ELDERLY...............................................229. EXTRAMARITAL COUNSELING...............................2610. FATHERING............................................2911. FRIENDSHIP...........................................3112. GRATITUDE............................................3513. HOLIDAY SHOULDS......................................3714. HURRICANE KATRINA....................................3915. JEALOUS..............................................4116. MILITARY.............................................4417. MOTHERING............................................4718. NEARLY BELOVED.......................................5019. OBSESSION............................................5220. PANIC................................................5421. PREMARITAL COUNSELING................................5822. SMOKIN'..............................................6023. SUPPORT..............................................6224. TALK.................................................6425. THE SIMPLE LIFE......................................6726. TIME.................................................6927. TRANSITIONS..........................................7228. UNDER THE INFLUENCE..................................7629. WHEN PARENTS DATE....................................7930. WISDOM...............................................81AFTERWARD................................................83SELECTED BIBLIOGRAPHY....................................87WEBSITES.................................................89ABOUT THE AUTHOR.........................................91

Chapter One

ADDICTION

A beautiful young woman came to see me for therapy. I noticed her confident handshake, the sparkling multi-carat gemstone ring. I wondered, What can it be that brings this extraordinary person to therapy? She didn't know exactly, but she had an ic. Her chief concern was that she thought she might be doing too much of something; a vague description, at first.

She had an addition that had gotten out of control. What addictions have in common are that they numb and keep the addict distanced from ics. She had the icky sense that something was off.

People craving suffer great shame over their incapacity to stop themselves. They spin around like a hamster on a wheel: indulge—feel ashamed (ic)-indulge-numb-shame (ic)-indulge-numb. Desperate to get rid of the ic, they continue indulging and are legion in number, both in consumption and people so affected.

My client described a memory of herself at five years of age, sitting in front of a television and crying. Her friend had moved away, and she didn't have words for her feelings. Her mom came into the room, saw her crying, and thrust fresh-baked cookies and milk at her. She quit crying.

She numbed and disengaged herself from others and self and grew unavailable to engage emotional support. She had a compulsion to curb her feelings. Eventually, she was unresponsive to her own needs, unaware of time lapsed; she missed cues that she was sleepy or ill.

Addiction came easy. When disappointed, she substituted something and avoided facing hurt.

My client learned early to eat her way out of tragedy. Her mother's response to grief was: "Your friend moved away? Don't cry. I'm busy now. Here, eat these cookies." Message: Hide your feelings. Your feelings are making me uncomfortable. I don't have time for you.

This courageous, young woman did the work to address her addictions. She admitted that she had come to therapy because of something that had caught her eye. She had seen a child reaching toward a cookie jar, and it was as if time stopped. She focused, spellbound, frame by frame on the scene, and she saw herself as a child doing the same thing. She was angry and did some mom-bashing, saying, "My mother ought to have hugged me and held me, not stuffed me." She worked through blaming her mother and herself, hating cookies and loving cookies. She worked through hating the times she reached out for one thing, realizing she had wanted something else. She cried ... a lot.

Early in my practice, I became extremely uncomfortable when clients cried. I used to try to cheer them up so they would stop crying. I've learned. Clients taught me to be silent and let their tears flow. Sometimes, after the sobbing subsides, I ask a client, "If your tears could talk, what would they say?"

The young woman's tentative admission that she had an addiction led to self-discovery. Until therapy, she had hidden her upsetting feelings and squelched her awareness of the "Stuff it, and leave me alone" messages. Though her weight was never the focus of our sessions, during the year of therapy, she lost seventy-five pounds. Two weeks into therapy, she announced that she was getting her hair cut and going to the gym. She became less angry, grew in awareness of herself. Losing weight caused her to "expose" herself and be vulnerable, available.

Chapter Two

ANOREXIA NERVOSA, BULIMIA NERVOSA

Group therapy for anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa is potentially counterproductive. These highly intelligent clients are inclined to make weight loss a competition.

I believe foods that ensure physical well-being also enhance psychological wellness. A void of self-worth, however, may lead to self-induced malnourishment.

Eating disorders are troubling. The client is physically sound, yet unbalanced in her self-perception and stoically capable of starving herself to death.

One of a child's first steps of independence is food choice. Eating maturation may be associated with power plays and power struggles. Controlling food intake and output can be pathologically empowering.

Anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa are life-threatening disorders. Karen Carpenter, Princess Diana, and many more have suffered, and others continue to be afflicted. The way to recovery is fraught with setbacks. The likelihood is that, when feeling powerless or violated, these individuals will resort to this pattern of unhealthy coping. These disorders appear addictive; consequently, one of the treatments is to interrupt the cycle. After meals, engaging in conversation with the bulimic individual prohibits his or her immediate purging. For someone with anorexia, having an available abundance of non-threatening foods, which are acceptable to her such as nonfat yogurts and cut vegetables may encourage eating. Telling someone who has anorexia that the few extra pounds look good on her is counterproductive and may cause a relapse. It is better to say, "I enjoy spending time with you."

When someone with anorexia nervosa appears pleased and says that she has gained weight, beware-she probably has a weigh-in...