I am writing to save my life; it’s the only thing that helps, like therapy in a way. I feel like a nurse again with a critical patient, but there is no doc on call, and the patient is me with severe chest pain. The computer desk is my stretcher, coffee is my nitro spray, cigarettes are my O2, and my pen is my IV. No morphine to numb the pain anymore though. My journal is my ECG and rhythm shows ventricular fibrillation. The laptop is my crash cart…clear…c’mon Ben…ECG still shows in v-fib…clear……/\....../\....../\......normal sinus rhythm…he’s OK...you’re…OK…it’s OK. Your family is here Ben, its over now and you’re going to be alright…I’m going to be alright…

My name is Ben, and I'm a Nurse Addict

By Benjamin D. Cox

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2012 Benjamin D. Cox
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4772-1057-4

Contents

Prologue...........................................ixForeword...........................................xiIntroduction.......................................1The Truth..........................................6"Back home"........................................10Best of friends....................................15Who is Ben Cox?....................................19Why Me?............................................29The New Kid (twice)................................32Second Chance......................................43University? Me?....................................51The Nurse..........................................60The North..........................................69Secrets............................................79"Mexico"...........................................88No more secrets....................................98Cops are here!.....................................107Detox?....wtf....for how long?.....................11430 days to find myself again.......................122Please someone, help me............................135Welcome to Facebook!...............................146Acknowledgements...................................194

Chapter One

The truth

The truth! As children, most of us were taught to always tell it, and we quickly found out from our parents or at least mine anyway, that there were consequences when we didn't. While growing up I quickly learned that it always felt better to be truthful about things, although I did frequently push my luck and create versions of the truth.

At the time, this seemed like a good idea and less likely to result in punishment than the whole truth surely would. However, the guilt and shame that one would experience immediately after lying was often far worse than any punishment I could have received.

My parents always said they would rather be told the truth, no matter how awful it may seem, than be lied to. When the moment that the whole truth came out (more so by means other than my admission) I remember feeling utter relief as a weight was lifted from my shoulders.

I felt good about myself again and not ashamed anymore. No more having to think ahead of what to say so not to get caught in my own lies. Instead, just being able to speak freely, relaxed, and knowing I'm a better person for being honest, even if it was about something wrong I had done.

So for those people dealing with depression, addiction, or pretending to be content with a life that deep inside you know you aren't, there is happiness within. I know because I've found it. It has cost me everything I thought was important to find, but once I rediscovered what I once felt as a child in happier times, I never want to let it go.

Better than any drug, one simple thing can change your whole way of life. By discovering it and letting it lead you rather than you hiding from it, you will gain the most important thing there is, self-worth.

The simple thing that will lead to this is truth. Complete honesty with yourself and what you are feeling. You are not alone. There is no worse feeling than not liking who you are, and dark things always follow.

For those of you reading this I want to make you a promise. I want to promise to tell the truth. This is not a fictional book and all are actual experiences from my life that I want to share with others. I am doing this in the hopes of not only healing myself and aiding in my recovery, but also to maybe reach others who are dealing with something similar in their lives.

Though I am no longer nursing and my license to practice has been suspended, I still feel I should maintain the confidentiality of the patients that were in my care. I will not mention any of them by name, nor can I go into detail about why they were seen in the ER, as it would easily identify them.

Who I am, what I have done, who I worked with, and what I have been through, however, is now public knowledge and can be easily obtained from the Territorial Court . I have plead guilty to what I had been doing and fully disclosed every detail to my family, friends, hospital investigators, RCMP, addiction councillors, and to the court on the day of my sentencing.

With that being said, I want to continue on this path of honesty, and I am ready to share with you now, the reader, the events leading up to my continuing recovery from drug addiction.

Since this is my book, I can pretty much talk about what I want, so I think I will briefly tell you about my favorite shows on television (Please be patient for those of you wondering where this is going). I love most series on HBO, The Sopranos being my all-time favorite.

But every so often a show comes along that one can relate to on a personal level, where you see yourself being portrayed by actors with an uncanny familiarity (and no, I am not in the mafia). I am referring to another series on HBO, which stars the same actress that plays Tony Sopranos wife, Carmella.

The show is called "Nurse Jackie", which centers on the life of the main character "Jackie", who struggles to try and find a balance between her family obligations as a parent, her duties as an ER nurse, and her addiction with prescription narcotics.

It would seem me and the character "Jackie" have a lot in common. Both of us work in the high stress and fast pace environment of the ER. Like her I am excellent at what I do. Like her I am a parent and I'm married. And regrettably, like her, I am addicted to narcotics.

Until recently, no one has ever known this about me, and for almost two years I have kept this a secret, a dark secret that, like "Jackie", I couldn't tell anyone. My parents, friends, the nurses and physicians I worked close with, even my wife, had no idea that I was taking drugs from work and injecting them into my body for over two years. I simply couldn't tell them. The shame and guilt would be too much to bear, as everyone thought so highly of me.

But I couldn't stop. Immediately after I injected myself I was already planning how to obtain the next one. "One is too many and a thousand never enough", as they tell us in recovery. That statement could never be more accurate.

I know something is wrong with me; I am not well, I can feel it. But I had this feeling long before I began using narcotics, and long before I moved up North.

I try and remember when I was last happy, really happy. When I was married perhaps, to the woman I have been with for over eight years. No. Maybe when my child was born, which should be the happiest moment in every father's life? No. Why can't I remember feeling happy?

I have a great job that I am good at and pays well, a beautiful home, a beautiful wife, a gorgeous little girl, supportive parents, I am educated, in good physical health, good looking, caring, friendly, funny.......why can I not remember for the life of me when I was last happy?

I try and think back further, to when I was young, when life was less complicated. I need to remember when I stopped being content with my life.

Some of my fondest memories are of when I was a child growing up in the small town of St. Anthony, NFLD, Canada. I was happy there, at least until that day when my life turned upside down, and everything changed. It was the worst day of my life. Worse than losing my license to practice, than being arrested, than going to recovery, or than standing before a judge facing jail time. And I haven't been the same since.

Chapter Two

"Back home"...