CHAPTER 1
Once upon a time, in a grand place named Greenleaf, there lived a lovely, bright redheaded caterpillar named Spark. She still lived with her mom and dad, along with her three sisters and four brothers — it was a big family. Spark was the oldest, and as the oldest, she took on much of the responsibility of helping to raise her younger siblings. Her parents were often busy providing food, shelter, and other things needed for the family's survival.
Spark didn't mind helping, because Spark and her family were close. She enjoyed playing teacher. Her students were her brothers and sisters and their friends. She was continually nurturing others and felt maternal. However, as she got older and her siblings were able to fend for themselves, Spark found herself with more and more quiet time and room to enjoy her own interests.
Spark loved taking long walks and exploring while admiring the beauty and tranquility of her surroundings. She felt connected to nature and was also aware of and sensitive to her environment and others. One of Spark's special relationships was with her grandmother, who lived nearby. Spark's grandmother was insightful, kind, and filled with wisdom that she loved to share. Spark was always inquisitive. She enjoyed learning and being a student. As a result, Spark was never afraid to ask her grandmother questions about how things worked and why they worked that way. Her grandmother explained the importance of spending time alone and being comfortable in quiet contemplation. Spark spent many afternoons with Grandmother, chatting about great topics, such as the meaning of life and their true purpose in the world, and attempting to make known the unknown.
One afternoon, when she and her grandmother got together, Spark began to cry.
Grandmother said, "What is wrong, my love?"
Spark became angry while she continued crying. "I can't believe my sister. I know she's the baby in the family, but she isn't a baby anymore, and she makes me feel so angry!"
Grandmother said, "I am sorry you are upset. Why don't you come over here, sit next to me, and share with me what happened?"
Grandmother motioned to her and opened her arms up to hug her. Spark went over to her grandmother and fell into her comforting arms, and they hugged. Spark began to calm down and stopped crying. She sat up, took a deep breath, and said, "All I did was walk over to her while she was having a conversation with her friend, and I guess it was pretty heated. Actually, you know, when I think back on it, I realize she was already really upset. You know that since she was born, I have always helped to take care of her, so of course I asked, 'Is there something I can do to help?' You would think I had insulted her. Instantly, she turned to me in a fit of anger and yelled, 'It is none of your business! You are always trying to mother me! You are not my mother! Go away!' Well, that really angered me because I have been nothing but good to her. All her life, I have always been there for her, and now she speaks to me that way! I just don't understand. I didn't do anything wrong!"
Spark became visibly angrier and more upset as she talked about it.
Grandmother said, "I am sorry you are so upset. I am curious, though — how did you respond next?"
Spark said, "Not so great. I was just so shocked by it. I reacted with just as much anger. I said in a loud, harsh voice, 'Then don't ever ask me for help again!' And then I stormed off."
Grandmother said, "Ah, honey, I can see you are angry, but do you understand why?"
Spark became a bit annoyed at her grandmother's question. "Yes, of course — because she disrespected me!"
"So she hurt you?"
Spark, now a bit calmer, thought about how she felt. She recalled other situations in which she'd felt hurt by someone who had spoken angrily to her.
Spark said, "Well, I guess that's why. Okay, you are right. I am absolutely hurt. I have a right to be! I would never speak to her that way."
Grandmother said, "It may help you if you try to look at it from a different perspective. If you think about it, she was already in pain and very upset when you approached her. Now, if that's true, wouldn't that mean that her anger wasn't about you at all?"
Spark felt as if her feelings were not being fully understood and was still a bit confused and a bit annoyed at her grandmother for her line of questioning. "No, because it was me she was speaking that way to. So isn't it about me?"
"Well, not exactly, sweetheart, and I am sorry you are getting upset again. I promise I am not trying to minimize your feelings at all; my only desire is to help you understand something that happens to many of us in many situations. Sometimes we take our anger out on others even when it has nothing to do with them. What's incredibly important to understand is that we often misdirect our angry feelings.
"However, you can choose how you allow the situation to affect you. That's why, when you are dealing with others, it is extremely imperative not to assume anything and not to take things personally. Because there are always many obvious and hidden factors that contribute to how a person behaves. For instance, when you first saw your sister, she was already angry, wasn't she?"
"Yes." Spark began to calm down again.
"So if she was already angry, then can't you see that maybe her anger had nothing to do with you?"
"Kind of. I guess so," Spark said. "But why did she turn it on me?"
Grandmother said, "I have a little story that may help you better understand what I am saying. Years ago, the farmers would keep the packs of coyotes from harming their sheep by shooting the coyotes in the rear end with a salt-pellet gun. A coyote would feel the impact from the pellet gun and think the coyote next to him had bitten him, so he would in turn bite the coyote next to him. In reality, it was really the farmer who caused the pain. The coyotes weren't aware of the true cause of their pain and simply lashed out at the closest thing to them.
"In your situation, your sister was already hurt and in pain. You mentioned she was upset, and when you walked up to her and offered to help, she turned and took it out on you. Like the coyote next to the other coyote, you got bit."
Spark continued to feel better but still did not totally understand. "That makes sense now when you say it is not personal. But then how is it not about me if I felt the bite?" Spark was still a bit confused about what to do with her pain.
Grandmother, as usual, was patient and understanding. Grandmother knew that this was a wonderful teaching moment for Spark to learn not to always be reactive and at the mercy of others' moods and actions.
"What's not about you is her anger, that's what's not personal. I'm not at all discounting that you are hurt and you feel like she bit you. What I am saying is that the only part of this that is about you is how you allow the bite to affect you and how you react to the bite. Fortunately, no one can make us feel anger or any other feelings. How we feel is up to us and has to do with what we are telling ourselves about the circumstances. You don't want to diminish your personal power by blaming others for how you feel. We all have the power to choose to control how we allow ourselves to respond to any situation. Spark, you can choose not to react by learning to stop and...
