The New Vampire's Handbook: A Guide for the Recently Turned Creature of the Night

Being turned into a vampire is the easy part.
Actually becoming a vampire is far more difficult.

In today’s world of vampire-obsessed pop culture, misinformation abounds. A newly turned vampire who looks to movies and novels for answers to everlasting life’s questions will inevitably be reduced to a smoldering pile of dust. So whom can you, a neophyte immortal, trust to provide reliable information and proven strategies for leading your best and bloodiest existence? The Vampire Miles Proctor, editor of The New Vampire’s Handbook. In this definitive guide, the newly turned will find

• a head-to-toe look at your vampiric body: how to harness your new powers to dispatch mortal enemies, maintain your fangs, and embrace your vampirosexuality
• methods for luring prey, faking your way through meals, approaching other vampires, and creating a four-hundred-year financial plan
• tips on acting your “age,” behaving appropriately if you see a human you knew decades ago, and dealing with epic vampire feuds
• essential advice for blending in with the masses, from finding a coven to avoiding the media (and mirrors) to staying on top of the latest fashion trends
• the joy of scrapbooking

Plus helpful online resources, a glyph guide, renovation instructions for emergency lairs, a Ruling Families directory, nightly mantras, and personal anecdotes from The Vampire Miles Proctor’s nearly five hundred years of experience.

Welcome to the night.

1   YOUR NEW BODY  


From the moment you first ran your tongue along your teeth after the transformation, it was clear that your body had undergone changes. But to what extent? It isn't just the fangs that are new. Many functions of your former body have dramatically increased, slowed, or stopped altogether. Each modification occurs so you can become a sleeker, more effective blood-obtaining-and-processing machine. Below are the most dramatic improvements. 

  DIGESTIVE-CIRCULATORY SYSTEM  

The nutritional and dietary needs of your body have changed. You now eat from only one food group, blood, which, when consumed, is absorbed through arteries of the stomach wall (1) and small intestine (2). Because of this, your stomach no longer produces acid, and your saliva no longer contains enzymes to break down starches. Instead, your saliva contains new enzymes that prevent the blood from coagulating. Any blood that is not absorbed by the stomach or small intestine makes its way to the newly enlarged appendix (3), where it is stored.* The imbibed blood is whisked to the liver (4), where impurities are filtered out. From there, the purified blood passes through your heart (5), which sends it to the rest of your body. The blood's vitality is then slowly absorbed through a biochemical process that releases light-negating hemo-photon particles, invisible to the naked eye.  

EXCRETORY/URINARY SYSTEM  

A vampire's body utilizes 98.9 percent of the blood it processes, so there is far less waste to remove. Consequently, your bladder and large intestine are no longer necessary, and effectively shut down. The kidneys likewise shrink, and your ability to generate the blood-production hormone erythropoietin also halts. The little waste left to remove-dead blood-cell walls and chemical impurities-is discreetly flushed from the body via the sweat ducts (6) of the feet.   INTEGUMENTARY SYSTEM  

Undead is not dead. Hair and nails continue to grow, albeit stronger and more slowly.* Your new nails, if grown long, can be used effectively as gouging or slashing implements. A vampire's skin will continue to grow as well, but instead of flaking off, the base components are absorbed back into the body when they are no longer functional, making your complexion smooth and powdery. In addition, your skin no longer produces vitamin D when exposed to sunlight. Instead, the ultraviolet radiation in sunlight prevents the release of hemo-photon particles the epidermis emits as a by-product of processing vital energies from the blood; this can cause grave injury.  

IMMUNE SYSTEM   You no longer need an immune system. Viruses and bacteria that find purchase in living hosts do not meet a friendly environment inside a vampire's body. The one notable exception is that the feet, moistened from the constant excretion of waste, are susceptible to the fungal infection tinea pedis, known colloquially as night foot, or to the warm as athlete's foot.  

ENDOCRINE SYSTEM  

Your endocrine system was formerly responsible for regulating the release of hormones in your body. Most of the glands (such as the pituitary) that made up this system all but burned themselves out in your rapid human-to-vampire transformation. Some, such as the adrenal gland, enlarged and are now constantly active, contributing to your enhanced reflexes and strength. The thyroid and parathyroid glands also enlarged, which gives you increased energy and aids in your rapid healing response.  

MUSCULAR AND NERVOUS SYSTEMS  

While a vampire's strength and reflexes have increased dramatically, their functionality has not changed at all.

   REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM  

The reproductive system as you knew it is no longer functional. Your genitals are no longer necessary for you to procreate and can only perform sexually. Reproducing is now carried out by allowing a victim to feed on you. A vampire is technically of three parents: a human mother, a human father, and the vampire who turned him. All those responsible passed on the genetic materials that make up you as an individual. The vampire's genetic material-its particular strengths and weaknesses-have been passed on to you via the blood consumed to initiate the turning.

   SKELETAL SYSTEM  

Your bone marrow has disappeared, meaning that you no longer produce your own blood. This makes you lighter and able to jump higher.  

RESPIRATORY SYSTEM  

Your body no longer needs oxygen in order to function, and you no longer need to breathe. Your lungs operate on a purely voluntary basis, and are used primarily to allow you to mimic humans, to speak, or perhaps to smoke, for dramatic effect.    

2   YOUR NEW POWERS  

In order to slake your newfound thirst, your body has undergone a series of changes that radically elevate your predatory capabilities. As you settle into your superior form, you will marvel that you were ever able to get along as a human. 

  A word of caution: the dawning awareness of your enhanced abilities can be initially disorienting, then ultimately intoxicating. Many vampires go through a delusional period early on. They confuse superior with invulnerable and behave recklessly until they either realize their limitations or perish following an act of supreme foolishness.   STRENGTH  

Your feeble human form may have been hard-pressed to lift a case of beer without wheezing, but a vampire can lift a car over his head with ease. Increased strength also endows you with the ability to jump great distances and climb vertical surfaces utilizing minimal hand- and footholds.  

SPEED AND HEIGHTENED REFLEXES  

On average, vampires can move twice as fast as humans, enabling them to chase down any prey with ease. When necessary, microbursts of incredible speed are also possible, though they require a great deal more energy. Your reaction times are also decreased, making it much easier to dodge a clumsily wielded stake aimed for the heart.  

HEIGHTENED SENSES  

Increased speed and strength alone will not help you find your way around in pitch-blackness. Fortunately, with your new body, the night comes alive. You now possess superior night vision on the level of the cat, which allows you to penetrate the darkness with ease. With your owl-like hearing, you can hear a jugular vein pulsing from yards away. Like the wolf, you can smell the delicious fear coming in waves off a victim. When you taste your victim's blood, you will be able to identify his blood type, what he had for his last meal, and what prescription and nonprescription medications he was taking. Only your sense of touch will be unchanged-which, admittedly, is a bit of a letdown after the dramatic increase in the other senses.  

MIND CONTROL  

The ability to hold sway over the warm is difficult to master because it is completely new and alien. You lifted objects as a human, so lifting heavier objects is not hard to understand; it is probable, however, that you never controlled another human's mind. When it happens to you, it will come as a surprise. One minute you'll be thinking of how distasteful it is that someone is a smoker, and the next minute you'll watch that person crumple up his pack of cigarettes, never to smoke again. After this happens for a fifth time, you'll start to understand and appreciate the causality, and you can work on honing your abilities for a greater purpose. 

  All mind control requires is that you fix your concentrated gaze on a human while thinking about what you want him to do. If he...