Rather than dread those temper tantrums, embrace them. Consider them an opportunity to practice new skills with confidence and become empowered as you parent. In Parenting with a Purpose, author Diana R. Boggia shows you how to embrace those moments as she presents strategies to remedy misbehavior, increase self-confidence, and empower you as you learn to take control in a positive way, without yelling or harsh punishment. Culled from her weekly syndicated newspaper parenting column, Family Matters, Boggia's guide paves a path for parents, providing practical, easy-to-apply strategies to eliminate daily chaos and resolve behavioral concerns with ease. She discusses how to retrain your child with positive interventions to eliminate confrontations, de-escalate temper tantrums, soothe your child to sleep, or implement a time-out with success, not anger; teach your child to wait patiently while you are on the phone, to pick up after himself, to develop thoughtful manners, and to develop a strong sibling bond, all accomplished while building independence and self-confidence; communicate so your child can understand exactly what you are asking of him; implement the effectiveness of multisensory communication, which can change the dynamics of your entire family. Parenting with a Purpose shows you how to incorporate small changes that will make a difference in your child's life and help you to parent with passion and joy. Anyone can be a parent, but it takes a parent armed with skills and continuous dedication to raise a resilient, thoughtful, self-confident child.

Parenting with a Purpose

Inspiring, Positive Alternatives to Reach and Teach Your Child How to BehaveBy Diana R. Boggia

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2012 Diana R. Boggia, MEd
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4759-1542-6

Contents

Introduction........................................xiiiWords of Encouragement..............................xviiParenting Styles and Strategies.....................1Child Development...................................22Communication.......................................40Building Skills.....................................60Temper Tantrums.....................................75Setting Limits......................................97Schedules and Routines..............................124Sleep...............................................134Toilet Training.....................................149Fears...............................................158Siblings and Friends................................165Bullies.............................................175Traditions..........................................183

Chapter One

Parenting Styles and Strategies

Introduction to Parenting: What's Your Style?

Parenting styles vary from family to family and parent to parent. Some parenting styles are cultural. Many of us parent as our parents did, while others vow to never parent as their parents did. How we were parented taught us how to respond, how to behave, and what was expected of us. We carry those experiences with us, which is important to remember as you now parent your own young child.

Some parents laugh from embarrassment when their child misbehaves. Some parents ignore misbehaviors, perhaps because they don't want to escalate the situation or don't know how to address the situation properly. Some parents react to misbehaviors by yelling or spanking, only to later regret their actions and apologize. Some rule with an iron fist, while others don't provide rules at all. Specific components to successful parenting provide the scaffolding for the development of a successful child.

Parents who seek exposure to continuous teaching opportunities are successful in providing the experiences that help build positive self-esteem, effective communication, acceptable social skills, and successful independence. Parents who recognize a temper tantrum as an opportunity to teach appropriate behaviors are more successful in minimizing tantrums overall and will experience fewer public displays. Those parents who set their children up for success by communicating their expectations, rather than simply expecting their children to behave, will get better results. So many methods can improve a child's behavior, but simply expecting him to behave won't produce the behavior you desire. Children need to be taught repeatedly, by example, with multisensory communication, consistency, and love. I have provided positive strategies throughout this chapter to help you set your child up for success by nurturing desired behaviors and reinforcing them with your focused attention.

Most children learn what they live. They watch everything we do and listen closely to all we say. Be aware of what you expose your child to. Once he has seen or heard it, it will be part of his life experience. Protect your child, and teach with love, not impulsive reactions. Teach with consistency, providing the same answer, so your child can learn what to expect from you and understand what is expected of him. Teach outside the event, after you have had an opportunity to think carefully about the best way to help your child learn.

This chapter provides information, along with interventions with a positive approach, in response to specific questions or situations brought up by parents looking for alternatives to redirect, reframe, or remediate their child's behavior. You can teach or retrain your child by providing the information in a variety of ways, including direct communication and modeling. Raising a child requires unconditional love, consistency, a watchful eye, thoughtful teaching, a listening ear, and an open heart. Any behavior can be changed, just as any child can be taught the skills you want him to have. The determining factor is how you teach them. You are your child's teacher of life for the rest of his life.

Parent with a purpose, providing your child with everything he needs, because it is just not quite good enough to parent with love alone.

Children Learn What They Live

It is not easy to be a parent. Children test limits throughout the day, every day, because that is how they learn. Parents set boundaries. They push the limit. Then parents set boundaries again. Those with more than one child know the frustration and chaos that can occur when trying to correct or redirect one child, only to have a sibling come around to stir the pot, tease, or deliberately attempt to escalate the situation. They yell, and parents yell at them to be quiet. They hit a sibling, and parents spank or slap their wrist while screaming, "Don't hit!" Children can be embarrassingly loud at home, throughout the neighborhood, and in public, totally unaware that they are affecting everyone around them. They learn by what is modeled for them, so be mindful of what you are teaching your observant learner.

Years ago, I was given a refrigerator magnet that says, "Parenting is the toughest job you'll ever love." I found that to be so true. I loved raising my children, and I love being a mom. I gave it my all. My three children lived through my parenting mistakes and learned much as they were growing up. There was a long, difficult divorce, and too often they were caught in the middle. We faced unbelievable challenges, and on some days it was difficult to get up in the morning to begin another day. There were tears, but there was always laughter. There were arguments, but there were always hugs. There was hurt, but there was always an abundance of love.

I often speak with parents who ask, "Why does my child act the way he does?"

I respectfully answer, "You are his role model, and he is learning you." When a parent stands in disbelief, I rephrase and say, "If not here and from you, then where?"

I love the phrase "more is caught than taught," meaning that children carefully watch everything we do and learn directly from our example. Of course, many influential people are in a child's life—friends, teachers, and family—who directly impact your child as he learns by watching and listening. However, the foundation of who they truly are and how they navigate through life comes from how they live from the boundaries you provide and the unconditional love you show consistently every day. I'm sure you will recognize the familiar verse below, but take a minute to read Dorothy Law Nolte's words:

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn. If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight. If a child lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive. If a child lives with pity, he learns to feel sorry for himself. If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy. If a child lives with jealousy, he learns what envy is. If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty. If a child lives with encouragement, he learns to be confident. If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient. If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate. If a child lives with acceptance, he learns to love. If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself. If a child lives with recognition, he learns that it is good to have a goal.

If a child lives with sharing, he learns about generosity. If...