CHAPTER 1
A Monster in my Closet
Fourth Grade
I hate writing letters! I hate it! I hate it! Ding it, dang it darn!I hate writing letters. But I gotta do it.
Dear John,
Today is Septumber 10, 1950. How are you? I am fine.I am riting this ding dang letter for school and I hate it.The teacher sayz we gotta rite a friendly letter to somebodywhat's named John. I hate it. I hate riting. I hate this friendlyletter. Rite now I ain't feelin all that friendly. But I gotta doit. Ding it, dang it, darn!
Dear John,
Today is Septumber 11, 1950. How are you? I am fine.No. I ain't reelly fine mostly cause I gotta rite this herestoopid letter for the stoopid teacher in this stoopid school.Now I gotta start all over. This stoopid letter shore ain'tgonna do the stoopid trick. Ding it, dang it, darn!
Dear John,
Today is Septumber 12, 1950. I am Bobby Anderson andI am in the fourth grade and I am ten years old and I go toP.S. 18 what's on Maujer St in Willamsboig, Brooklun. I amriting this here letter cause the stoopid teacher sayz I gottarite this here stoopid letter. That's why. But I don't gots notime to rite no stoopid letters to no stoopid imajinary personwhat ain't even reel and all. I don't even like riting letters topeoples what are reel. My time is jist too valyoubull. I gotmore portent stuff to do. Now I gotta start all over. Ding it,dang it, darn. I gotta do it.
Dear John,
I am pretty good. How are you? I go to P.S. 18 what isa very nice school. I have a very nice teacher when she ain'tscreaming her stoopid head off which is mostly all the time.I jist can't get serius about riting this here letter cause I hateriting STOOPID letters and I don't even know nobodywhat's named John. This is reelly stoopid. I gotta start over.This here letter ain't gonna do the trick.
Dear John,
I am fine. How are you? I go to P.S. 18 what is a funnylooking school. It gots four floors up and it gots only fourclassrooms on eech floor. About a coupla hundred yearsago it was a big school but most of it got burned downor sumthin like that happened. Now we gots a big littleschool.
Dear John,
That last letter ain't all bad. I was gonna give it to theteacher but when I read it over, I figger the teacher's gonnathink its stoopid. It jist don't sound right. It don't sound likethe way the teacher talks. It don't sound like the kinda stuffwhat a teacher's gonna like. I gotta try riting a nudder letter.I hate riting. Ding it, dang it, darn. I gotta do it.
Dear John,
Today is Monday, Septumber 18. I am fine. How areyou? I hope you are fine. The sun is shiny today. Is the sunshiny where you is at? I hope the sun is shiny where you isat. This gotta be the most stoopidist stuff what I ever rote. Igotta do it all over. Ding it, dang it, darn. I gotta do it.
Dear John,
The teacher aks me for my homewoik but I tell her Idon't got it cause I forgot it. The teacher wrinkles her stoopidface and tells me to stand in the stoopid corner for a half astoopid hour so I remember not to forget. But maybe I'mgonna forget to remember or maybe I'm gonna rememberto forget.
Dear John,
I told the truth about the letter. It's at home. And that'sthe truth. It's at home but it ain't alone. I got lots of friendlyletters what I started and some even got finisht. All themletters are all over my bedroom floor. I'm gonna stuff themin a bag and hide them reel good where nobody is evergonna see them. They are so stoopid.
Dear John,
I gotta remember to rite anudder stoopid friendly letter.I gotta do it! Ding it, dang it, darn!
Dear John,
I am fine. How are you? I got this here note from theteacher in my pocket. It's to my mom. The teacher sayz it'sa secret note and I can't look at it or nuthin. So she puts itin this envelope and licks it and presses it reel tight. I ain'tshore but I figger it ain't gonna be good news. My mom ain'thome from woik yet and I got about a hour alone in thispartment, alone with this here note. I think I'll get somewardda berling. Be right back.
Dear John,
I'm back. The note sayz my mom gotta go see the teachercause I don't got that stoopid friendly letter wrote, and I daydream in school, and don't read and rite good enuff, and Igot 3 F's on my spelling tests in the last 3 weeks and I ain'tdoing so good in arithmetic. The teacher wants my mom togo see her at school. I steamed it open.
Dear John,
Today is Monday Septumber 25, 1950. How are you?I am fine. I go to P.S. 18 what's in Brooklun. We got thisnew kid what jist moved into the neighborhood and he's inmy class.
Dear John,
That new kid's name is Earnest something. He got areel funny last name what nobody can pronunciate becauseits longer than this page and what ends with a skee sound.Everybody even the teacher jist calls him Earnest. He's jistEarnest.
Dear John,
Today the teacher gives Earnest lots of tests to do. Thenshe checks what he done and she gets reel mad. She yellsat him, "Earnest, didn't you learn anything in your lastschool?" She sayz he don't know how to read and he don'teven spell rite.
Dear John,
The teacher sits us kids together on account of how goodwe learn and how fast we get the woik done and all. Earnestsits next to me and Nicholas.
Dear John,
Me and Earnest and Nicholas get to do the samewoikbook and stuff cause we don't do good woik. Nicholaswoiks reel hard but he don't never get it rite. I do the woikwhen my day dreams get boring. Earnest always looks likehe's woiking at something but it ain't never school woik.
Dear John,
The teacher tells me and Earnest and Nicholas to copya long list of about 25 woids from the blackboard what's onthe right side of...