CHAPTER 1

Oh, Cruel World

He who guards his mouth and his tonguekeeps himself from calamity.Proverbs 21:23

Nothing good can be said about Mondays, Christopherthought. Except for those with a Monday birthday, noone would really complain about its absence. On the otherhand, Tuesday would just become Monday and nothing wouldreally be accomplished anyway. If pressed, he would have to admitthat at least Monday was only one day and not any longer. Besideshe concluded, Monday was the first day of the end of the week.

This Monday had been a particularly foul one for the ten-year-old,blond-haired boy. He had such a wonderful weekend, andnow the beginning of the week weighed upon his grumbling heart.Disneyland on Saturday did not help, nor playing in the castleplayhouse his father finally finished by Sunday. Being jostled awakewith five days until Saturday, fun now gone forever, was more thana youth could take. Unfortunately for our hero, here began a vileday in the life of a boy who had everything, took it for granted,noticed primarily the bad, forgot quickly, and acknowledged littlein the way of joyful matters.

Stepping off the bus in the rain and slipping to his posterior inthe muck, accompanied by jeering laughs, was the first telltale sign.His next memory permanently ruined his fragile psyche forever.What a grinning blue eyed fool he was with his debonair glanceto the smiling girl with the long blond hair, only later to catch ahorrifying glimpse in the mirror of her motivation, the perfectvertical brown crust of mud upon his rump. He may as well havehad a wad of toilet paper tucked into his waist celebrating hisbathroom forays, he decided in elementary school agony.

At that moment he felt the same overwhelming burning feelingas when he realized the meaning of his mom's personalized licenseplate. His urologist father dealt with a subject too embarrassing tofathom! His sense of humor mirrored that shameful profession.Only he would think the personalized license plate, 8-NUTS-N-I,attached to his mother's Suburban which ferried him to all hisactivities, humorous. When he realized that it referred to his familyof four males and one female, he recalled the soccer practices, schoolevents, and drive-thru restaurants with a burning sensation in hishead. Perhaps it was like someone from the Ozarks realizing thata mullet haircut was way not popular in California, or committingsome similar unforgivable social miscue. He prayed daily that noone would guess the meaning as the presence of his mother's carannounced his humiliation to the world. Urologists. Why wouldsomeone be an urologist, he thought for the millionth time! I can'teven stand urine, Chris thought. My Dad always does stuff to bugme, he concluded.

And so the terrible day continued. A spot quiz on last week'sspelling first thing Monday morning continued his disaster. Mrs.Knapp had this way of doing annoying things like this at just thewrong time. As she walked down the aisle on her clunky heels, shesmiled ghoulishly at Chris as if he was carrion, personally delightedwith his discomfort. This proved the boy's theorem: like positivepoles of two magnets, kids and adults have equal and oppositefeelings about everything.

His nose also posed a recurrent problem that day. The big kidhated Chris, and he should have known as much when he smiledso mischievously at him during math drill. Five minutes later herealized his mistake, when the boy said just loud enough to engagethe entire room, "there's a big bugger hanging from your nose dipwad!" However, why did Michael tell him at lunch about Rachel'sbrother eating dog food just as he took that big drink of milk? Anyother time would be just fine, but to laugh with milk in your mouthand then have that milk come out of your nose was not in keepingwith the superior social air he strove for.

At least the day disappeared quickly, Chris thought. However, assoon as he began to feel comfortable with three o'clock approaching,he remembered something that made him shudder, the tortuous busride home.

Delores was a fine, albeit dull bus driver. At the time, he didnot know how fine she was. He even felt some remorse, mercilesslylaughing at the woman who mistook Michael Jordan for theambassador to England.

It was odd then the way that Delores disappeared from the busroute. One day she was there smiling and dull; the next day she wasjust gone. It was as if she met with some foul play. Knowing whathe now knew of her replacement, Chris was certain of it. That firstday when Hurley appeared he thought it was a bad joke. It was notthat he was ugly, fat, and filthy; those things the boy could...