When Your World Disintegrates

A woman is like walking across a pond on steppingstones, each stone being a man, she will not take her foot off of one stone unless it is on another.

— Chinese proverb

Men are fairly simple at heart. As guys, we enjoy food, our space, sports, and sex. In general, that pretty much sums it up. However, I recently was discussing my writings over a glass of wine with a former coworker. I have great respect for her, and she hastened to add that men need continued affirmation as well. She explained how it helps to build a man's self-esteem and intimacy with his wife or companion. It makes perfect sense to me. We derive much of our overall satisfaction from our jobs or work, allowing us to provide for our primary driver or motivator, our families.

As men, we see ourselves as the protectors and providers of the family. This concept goes back many thousands of years, but it has taken on different appearances as society has evolved. We enjoy fixing broken things. This is how we are wired. It is part of our cellular DNA. In the process of providing for our families in the highly competitive marketplace, we can lose sight of our focus and what truly is most important: our families. They are the reason we get up in the morning, put on our ties, and head into the marketplace battlefields. We are the providers, the hunters, and the adventurers.

As we pour ourselves into our work or businesses in pursuit of the hunt, something begins to happen. Not always, but often. It is generally slow, methodical, and insidious in nature. We begin to focus less on our spouses and children and become more absorbed within our jobs and the pressures that bear down on us. We want to climb the next rung on the ladder, win the President's Club award, or earn the six-figure commissions.

In today's highly competitive marketplace, the demands placed upon performance can be onerous and unreasonable. For some men, hobbies or sports may pull us down the wrong paths, away from our families. Nevertheless, we begin to miss the baseball games, dance recitals, and date nights. Our spouses generally pinch-hit in our absence and do much of the parental heavy lifting. This is almost universal, but in the past decade or so, a number of dads have really begun to step up as parental partners. This is awesome, and I love to see dads becoming more involved in the schools, campouts, and housework. They pitch in with the laundry or clean a bathroom or two on a regular basis. This is a great message to send your wife and children — leading by example in a really positive way.

Acts of service are a significant way of expressing your love to your wife. Look around the next time you take your son or daughter to an activity or practice. You will see mostly moms or nannies in the bleachers or the classroom. When was the last time you pitched in to help with the dinner dishes or picked up around the house? We must admit this is truly a sad statement in terms of how guys sometimes prioritize our time.

Is ignorance really bliss? There are consequences for this type of behavior, and guys are generally oblivious to its effects on our families, particularly our spouses. We often realize this when it is far too late or when things have gone too far south in our relationships. The cost for this type of attitude is very high for families. When your wife walks out the door with a heart of ice, the prized career becomes nothing in the big picture. Your world begins to fall apart, and the free fall begins.

The wheels began to come off my cart when I was in my forties. I was working for an exciting and innovative start-up company that sold implantable medical devices. I was married with three great children — two sons and a daughter. I was living in the Midwest, and life was good. We had great schools and many close friends in our suburban community.

I did not have to uproot my family and relocate to the company's headquarters in Silicon Valley. I had the loyalty of many good customers, and I was making great money. In short, there were twenty-one sales representatives selling this revolutionary technology to hospitals and implanting cardiologists across the country. For every one of us on the team, the hours were long and demanding; fourteen- and sixteen-hours days were the norm.

Despite the grinding hours, it was euphoric. We were all in the zone; we were building a cutting-edge company and were recognized as innovators. We were big moneymakers with stock options. As time went on, the demands of the business began to encroach on my life and my family. This was coupled with a sense of invulnerability; I simply lost any balance in my life.

As I worked sixteen-hour days, I expected my wife to carry the ball on the home front. Our home became a place where I "bunked." I did not give a second thought to my wife on the home front and me in the marketplace. What a plan! What a mistake! There generally is a price to be paid for corporate craziness and the excesses that go along with it. At the end of the ride on that particular corporate carousel, our sales team experienced multiple divorces, one debilitating neurological health issue, and one suicide. Going full tilt has a price, and it can come in a number of forms. Men have needs, and so do women; some are similar, and some are different in nature. There are thousands of books on the market about this subject; you have seen them on the bookshelves. Some of these needs are generally universal among women: being valued, appreciated, listened to, and understood. There is also the need for emotional intimacy. How often do you get home from work or play to grab some real one-on-one time with your wife or significant other? My guess is not very often. Do the two of you share a day or evening and your collective thoughts and feelings? When was your last date night? When was the last time you told your wife how much you appreciate her and meant it?

It has been about twenty years since I arrived home from work early one Friday evening. I remember it as if it was yesterday. I was taking off my tie in the bedroom and was hoping to kick back, relax, and catch up with the family after a crazy, hectic, breakneck week. My wife quietly strolled into the bedroom, and we commenced a brief, simple conversation with no real meaningful emotional connection to speak of. Unfortunately, that was becoming the norm — a warning sign I had ignored for some time — and it went right over my head.

After a couple of minutes of contrived conversation, my wife announced that she wanted a divorce. She wanted out of the marriage! I actually thought it was joke. She must be playing with me! Unfortunately, as the evening progressed, I began to see multiple signs that she might actually be serious. Wait a minute! We have three...