Playing My Heartstrings
By Terry HamptonAuthorHouse
Copyright © 2011 Terry Hampton
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4567-3414-5Chapter One
When I came out ...
I had been a musician and singer for many years with family, church groups and friends.
I was proficient in 5 or 6 instruments and really enjoyed singing harmony parts and very clear, high leads.
I had worked on the Opry with an artist after being a teacher of music, in a local music store for a duration of roughly 10 years.
I had a lot of patience and could convey thought easily to others all my life.
It was a natural thing for me as I related to people on different levels of their mindset and personality.
I was very friendly and had never met a stranger, even as a child.
I remember running into a big black lady's arms when I was 3 years old, and that was something a white child didn't do in those days, but I was fearless and free from any inhibitions or discriminations.
She hugged me and told my mom as she tried to pry me away, "this here is my baby boy."
My mom told her she would bring me back in 5 minutes flat after she saw how aggravating and mischievous I could be.
I knew I was different even at a young age, and was attracted to men more than women.
That didn't mean I didn't like them, but it seemed I had more comradery with men.
I was sexually assaulted by a neighbor when I was about 4 or 5 .
It was nothing too serious other than oral copulation, but it opened the door of exploration, as most kids sometimes do out of curiosity.
It doesn't mean they are deviant, or perverted one way or the other, it is just a phase of curiosity and discovery of our bodies with accompanying feelings.
I liked what I saw and felt for some reason, so I was drawn to men even more after that experience.
I had other covert explorations with certain older relatives and other neighbor's kids until I was about 10.
I never was the one to initiate anything, with anyone.
Maybe the other kids talked, maybe it was just something they saw in me, I don't know, but it just seemed to happen.
I stopped that completely, by distancing myself from those kinds of behaviors and remained in a celibate state of mind until I was 17 or so.
I dated a couple of girls after that, giving into the peer pressure, and like most other young men, lost my virginity with a girl.
It was on the third time I had sex with a girl, when the switch flipped and I knew I was really different.
Part of it was the growing pressure and expectations in that involvement, and for me, the smell was not a pleasant one at all.
I backed away, taking the blame for that failure after a lot of thought about my part in that life experience.
I decided that if the relationship kept going, sooner or later I would get myself and someone else in trouble, thus possibly bringing another life into this already scary scenario.
I took the blame, guilt, anger, and responsibility seriously one day, and ran, knowing that I would be in the wrong and unnecessarily hurt a lot of people by my own lustful and selfish actions.
This didn't have to be, and I made the conscious choice not to let it happen.
I am sure my parents were wondering about the sudden shift as I began to concentrate more and more on my musical abilities, then becoming more introverted.
I worked, slept, stayed home and out of trouble, but still had a lot of friends.
In the back of my mind I knew who I was, but refused to act on it, as I felt more pressure and guilt, with the possibility that it would bring shame, thus reflect back on my parents.
This wasn't about them, it was about me and I chose to do the right thing in that respect.
I lost my mom in 1984 and in 1989, I lost my dad.
I came to realize at that point, as I looked at my other siblings, they had a life, with children of their own as a family unit.
I had no one but me and I was in a rut with my life, in a routine that no longer was in need.
It was time for me to take care of me, become who I really was and I realized it in that moment.
I had cared for my mom until she died, my dad had remarried and moved off, leaving me alone when I was 24 years old.
The fact was, that I had always been alone, even living with him in what seemed like isolation, my whole life, as we were really different people.
I think he was scared of me when he figured out my preference, around the age of 4 years.
He had accused me of messing around with my friends while I lived by myself, but that never happened and I never gave it thought.
I was pure hearted, considerate only of others and innocent until he died.
I forgave him of the abuse while he was on his death bed, as he realized that he had cheated himself out of a relationship, with the only chance to appreciate and really know me, as a young man.
I had changed so much that he didn't even recognize me when I stood beside the bed in the hospital room.
That was a sad realization on his part and touched my heart, as I gave it a lot of thought while standing at his bedside.
He had a hard struggle telling me that he had loved me.
I had even more of a struggle telling him that love, isn't mistreating, abusing and degrading another person, regardless I let go of those feelings
Ignorance is bliss for some folks.
I had a psychic friend, I had known since I was 16 years old, so I decided to visit out of curiosity one day, to see what she had to say.
She had told me a lot about my life in the past, regarding changes that were coming in my work and life.
She asked me about my music career and then mentioned a young man that would be around a couple of other men by name, describing them in detail.
She then told me about loosing weight and body building with another man that I met 2 weeks later, exactly as I was told.
I worked out with this man for about 2 years , changing my body shape, enhancing muscle and structure.
I was a nice looking young man back then, thanks to that friend, and green as I could be about the gay scene and lifestyle.
I had started working at the gym the same time I was working the Opry.
My boss and everyone else seemed to think I was gay, but I had never done anything to give them any proof of such an accusation.
I even had a few guys at the gym hit on me and expose themselves to me in the dressing room, but my workout partner took care of that with one conversation.
He had been married 3 times the duration of our partnership as a workout team.
He was a womanizer and was often curious about me.
I never got too close with him other than workouts and going backstage with me from time to time with his girlfriend.
We were like brothers in every sense of the word and I loved him like one.
People at the gym thought we were brothers, then rumors that we were lovers started, and I use to laugh about that because we did look a lot alike.
I did discover after working out with him, that he was possibly bisexual, so I quit laughing about the teasing, and accepted that as fact anyway.
Nothing really changed with our relationship, and it was never mentioned.
One day I was reading the paper, noticing the ads for single men looking.
I didn't have any gay friends, so I was wondering about that lifestyle and how they met.
I was discreet about my curiosity and had met only a couple of guys that I...
