Is Cindy Lucy able to catch the "Big One" and give honor to online dating? Is the idea of finding a lover, companion, or platonic adult male a possibility? Did she forget she was happy in the first place prior to finding the tackle box in the basement that was hooked to an online dating service? This complication of short stories and poetry relate to experiences of hooking Carp in the plural form as with sheep, moose, and deer. Short stories such as Peas and Carrots, A Carpet Cleaner is Not a Sex Toy and Jack the Hammer Meets Betty Crocker will have you laughing with tears since you may have had similar experiences. Poetry including, Dull, Interesting, and Six Plus Four Equals Zero provide an understanding that there is no one genre when it comes to describing a Carp encounter. An evening with bottom feeders always lends itself to spontaneous combustion since a gal never knows what will come flapping from his big rubbery lips. Carp line of introduction: I like oral and I am not referring to hygiene. Do these sound familiar? Carp: Take off your glasses so that I can see what you look like. Cindy Lucy: Well then, you take off your pants so I can see what you look like. Cindy Lucy: Why did I bother to shave my legs? This Carp has more hair sprouting out of the top of his shirt collar, the inside of his nose and his ears than I have on my entire body. I wonder if first dates should come with a razor. Cindy Lucy: Men and Pavlov's dog are related. Both of them are trained to salivate. Carp: Who's Pavlov? Is he a member of the rock group Kiss? Cindy Lucy: How come your picture with your bio shows you thirty years younger and fifty pounds lighter? Is that your baby picture you have on file? Cindy Lucy: I have faith in tulips and you will too when you read my escapades, or it may be charades, with Carp. They all come with baggage packed in a tackle box with lures that do not match the female rod and reel. I have learned that Carp mutate, therefore understanding the species provides no baseline and too many variables for problem solving. I am sure none of them come with exponential value.
Plenty of Carp
A Fishing Guide for Dating SinglesBy Cindy LucyiUniverse, Inc.
Copyright © 2010 Cindy Lucy
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4502-8307-6Contents
Preface...............................................................................................ixAcknowledgments.......................................................................................xiIntroduction..........................................................................................xvPart I Elementary School: Beginning Fishing...........................................................1Peas and Carrots......................................................................................3Dancing with Woodcock.................................................................................11Regular Jail Carp—"Now if You Know the Rest of the Story"—Paul Harvey.....................17A Carpet Cleaner Is Not a Sex Toy.....................................................................22Money Trumps Compassion...............................................................................28The Lazy Days of Dukes with Carp Dukey................................................................33My Life's in Jeopardy, Baby...........................................................................38Part II Intermediate School: The Marathon Phase.......................................................49Please Squeeze the Charmin............................................................................51Bucky the Tooth.......................................................................................59Boobs.................................................................................................66Shame, Shame, Shame ... Shame of Fools................................................................71Oxy...................................................................................................79Mayo..................................................................................................87Jack the Hammer Meets Betty Crocker...................................................................95Part III Middle School: Adolescent Fishing............................................................101Asics.................................................................................................103Time and Mathematics..................................................................................109Part IV High School Fishing...........................................................................119Aqua Boy..............................................................................................122Oral Hygiene..........................................................................................131Part V Higher Education...............................................................................139Al Minus the Family...................................................................................142Al and the Family.....................................................................................147Conclusion............................................................................................155Part VI Quotables for a Dollar: My Life's in Jeopardy, Baby...........................................157Cindy Lucy and Carp...................................................................................159
Chapter One
Peas and Carrots
Incoming Carp E-mail: I am a fabulous companion on holidays and known for my charming personality, washboard six-pack stomach muscles, stalking, and spending time sorting peas and carrots. My passion is writing pornographic novels.
My brain is my second favorite organ. —Woody Allen
Introduction: How can something that looks and feels so good hurt so much? I am past the pain but must admit this particular Carp left me wounded and crippled for some time. "Once bitten, twice shy babe" is not only true with Ian Hunter and rock and roll but also resonated with this particular Carp. The more contemporary summation of what Peas and Carrots did to me can be found in the lyrics sung by Lady Gaga: "He ate my heart and then he ate my brain." Due to his dishonest behavior, Peas and Carrots is now in my "no memory" folder.
The Novella: For the most part, Peas and Carrots did not appear to be the type to hide in a closet and sort vegetables. I met him on a beach vacation, and what happens on the beach, stays on the beach. I did not know our meeting was going to be as hard as Nine Inch Nails, due to my thinking that beach vacations become real-life relationships.
Meeting Peas and Carrots, who is no relation to Forrest Gump, was surreal and magical. The week was filled with smiles and the feeling of warmth coming from the depths of my womanly parts. It was a feat for me to even walk to the beach without convulsing with spasms of delight. Everything was glorious, and the end of vacation was nowhere in sight. We walked into this adventure with our Eyes Wide Shut. Even though I was able to make a connection to the movie with Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, I would have made the same mistake. If big-time movie stars have Eyes Wide Shut, then the rest of the regular population should also be included.
Peas and Carrots and I had our Eyes Wide Shut regularly, since we kept bumping into each other. He would be returning from a golf game and see me on the beach, and we would mostly just look at each other. In passing, he commented that I looked nice in a bikini, slathered in suntan oil. Then there was the nightly visit to the beach bar, which included tequila shots. I never had a shot of tequila before, and I have no idea why I waited so long. One shot of tequila equals forty-five minutes of nonstop laughter. There is no better way to spend a vacation than yucking it up. Two shots of tequila guarantee success, with more yucking. Three shots of tequila guarantee up-chucking with no yucking, unless you count dry heaves as the prerequisite laughter. So I stuck with two shots. We had a daily and nightly routine of sunning, yucking, and bumping into each other, thus "Are you stalking me?" became our personal joke. This, of course, is only while vacationing; it should be a Dating Rule: Keep your Eyes Wide Shut while on vacation, but remember your eyes must be wide open when you return to the real world.
The first mistake with Peas and Carrots was not realizing that he was only out of the closet and not sorting vegetables when he was on vacation. He was charming and affectionate, said wonderful things, and made me feel like I could love him for the rest of my life. I loved that feeling of butterflies in my stomach. It had been so long since the last time, I thought my butterflies had been netted and stick-pinned within a frame for display. We smiled, spent time in the sun, and walked hand-in-hand for the better parts of the day. There were even better times at night, and they did not involve sorting vegetables. I wish these adventures could be bottled and put on a shelf in the pantry. Then when it is cold, miserable, and lonely, I would just have to pick up this jar, open the lid, and experience all of the warmth all over again. I wonder if I can find this deal on e-Bay.
Vacations are whirlwinds. Before they begin, they come to an end. Peas and Carrots shared his e-mail address, even though he lived a couple of thousand miles away. What is a couple of thousand miles when there is warmth in the loins? Warmth has driven couples crazy...
