ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR GRIEF

Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths.

— M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Travelled

A day you will never forget is the day you are diagnosed with cancer. It happened to me, and my first reaction was to cry for days.

Life consists of ups and downs. Cancer is one of the biggest shocks we can be challenged by. Being faced with your own mortality changes your life overnight.

Bad things do happen to good people. This usually happens in a random and inexplicable way.

Why me?

The first noble truth of Buddhism is to live is to suffer.

Accept that life is tough and sit with the dark moments. Give yourself permission to cry, swear, be angry, break things, or do all of the above, repeatedly. You may want to sulk or, as I prefer to say, have a big sook!

Acknowledge that life will never be the same.

You may need to stay in this dark stage for a while.

Everyone's experience is individual. There are no rules.

Give yourself enough time to grieve for the dramatic change in your life.

All emotions are okay: being overwhelmed, furious, bitter, twisted, envious, devastated, resentful, and traumatised.

You may find yourself travelling in and out of the stages of grief. There are usually five stages. They can occur in any order, for varying lengths of time, and sometimes all in one day.

Cancer forces vulnerability upon you. You most likely have a distrust of your body now, and you have to relearn to trust it.

The key is to find acceptance of your situation and be strengthened by this.

Easier said than done!

I write now in hindsight after being through cancer. I used old skills and found new ways to counteract the grief, the uncertainty, and the fear. I was offered and accepted a lot of help. I learnt to move on with greater gratitude and purpose. This was not easy, but it has changed me for the better.

I have also drawn upon insights from others who continue to live well with cancer. I hope that some of these strategies may improve your well-being along the way.

CHOOSE NOT TO LET YOUR ILLNESS DEFINE YOU

Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.

— Helen Keller

Woe is me.

It is completely normal to be sad when you have cancer. Sadness turns to depression when people don't feel they have a way forward. Up to 40 per cent of people with cancer become clinically depressed. Research shows that women with breast cancer whose depression improves live longer.

You can choose not to become a "victim" of your situation.

Stay involved in your everyday life activities as much as possible. You may have to say yes to fewer invitations, avoid large crowds, sit rather than stand, or leave social events early. As we are social creatures by nature, it is better to stay connected with people during difficult times.

Time magazine reported in 2016 that during illness social supports can help people manage with painful treatments and aid recovery from cancer.

You can actually choose the lens with which you perceive your illness. Some people choose to languish, and some people manage to flourish.

Think about what might replenish your body, mind, and soul.

Consider the importance of self-compassion. One of the world leaders in self-compassion, Kristin Nef, emphasizes the importance of treating yourself with as much kindness and care as you would show your best friend.

Don't give in to helplessness, and notice if you feel this way. Look for help to find positive directions ahead.

Avoid focussing on why things are so terrible for you. You are not your disease, so don't let it define you.

Even on the worst day imaginable, you have a choice on how you approach it.

Plan in some guilty pleasures to balance out the bad times.

Lahna Catalino at the University of California has studied the pursuit of happiness. She found that positivity prioritisers, or those people who savour positive situations, have greater resources and experience more positive emotions.

Reflect on how people might feel when you walk into a room. They may feel uplifted, inspired, and interested. They may feel sorry for you if you continually complain and feel helpless. No one wants to be around a "misery guts." People will follow your lead if you respond in a more positive manner. Their response will follow suit from your mood.

Perhaps consider that the cancer experience may be an opportunity to become a better person.

MAKE YOUR CANCER A PROJECT

What is true for one may not be true for another, and a gift exists for each of us in discovering who we are, uniquely, as we find our way back into life.

— Maria Sirois

Think of your illness as a time-limited project rather than a journey with a disease.

The treatment phase may be a twelve-month secondment from your usual life. Something like a gap year or a new job.

It may also be an ongoing project in which you have to customise your life to suit.

If you enjoy exercising, you could consider cancer to be a physical challenge like climbing a mountain or going on a trek. Your body is doing the equivalent of running a marathon, so perhaps imagine the treatment phase as a long-term sporting event.

Don't give in and be a passive recipient of treatment. Having a strong fighting spirit has been shown to translate to better outcomes during cancer.

Adopting an active approach to dealing with any stressful situation helps us cope better.

Having a sense of control will strengthen your well-being.

People develop grit and resilience rather than inherit it. This is a practised quality.

Belief plus effort and perseverance helps with recovery.

A New Frontier

We now know that we are not stuck with the genes we are born with. Epigenetics, meaning "control above the genes," is the study of how genes can be regulated. We are learning more about how genes can be switched on and off again.

Meditation has already been shown to switch off disease-causing genes.

Epigenetics will be a source of...