The Problem With Being Perfect is a book of secrets. Most of these secrets fall into one of the following two categories: 1. Things I've done that make me look like an idiot which I'd rather not share with family and friends but don't mind sharing with people who don't know me and have no idea where I live. 2. Things my friends and family have done that would make them look like idiots which I can't mention in front of them because they do know where I live. May I also emphasize that in no way, shape or form, do any of the embarrassing stories I tell have anything to do with my wife. Even though some of the stories may seem like they could only come from my wife, and even if from time to time I actually refer to the person as "my wife", I completely disavow any knowledge or any belief that the person in question, is in fact, my wife. If, in reading this book, you come across the words, "my wife", please replace them with the words, "amazing human being." I see myself as a humor writer who happens to be Asian-American. The secrets I share are for everyone. I hope you enjoy our fun.

The Problem with Being Perfect

From The United Federation Of Asian Perfect-nessBy Wayne Chan

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2010 Wayne Chan
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4490-9354-9

Contents

Introduction........................................................................................viiiChinese Family Reunion Dinners 101..................................................................1Two Waynes are Better than One......................................................................5A Tale of Forbidden Fruit...........................................................................8Birthdays a Case of Diminishing Returns.............................................................11The Bathrooms are Alive with the Sound of Music.....................................................13A Promise to Keep - A Letter To My Daughter.........................................................16Whatever Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger........................................................18Then There's the One About the Herd of Meatballs....................................................21For One Family, a Different Kind of Shell Game......................................................24One Man's Medicine is the Same Man's Embarassment...................................................27A Sweltering Problem Begs for a Cool Solution.......................................................30Like Comparing Apples to Puttymoo...................................................................33The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Asians.........................................................36Getting a Jump on the Competition, Unless You're Playing Checkers with Your Son.....................40Bless You, Yao Ming, Bless You......................................................................43An Unexpected Gift..................................................................................46A Belt-Free Vacation................................................................................49Time Marches On, Unless You Uninvite Yourself.......................................................52Working Out a Pointless Exercise....................................................................54The Benefits Of Being The Human Pretzel.............................................................57The United Federation of Asian Perfect-ness.........................................................59Anniversary of Diminishing Returns..................................................................61Apologies For a Twenty Five Year Old Wedgie.........................................................65A Meat and No Potatoes Kind of Guy..................................................................67A Massage to Die For................................................................................69The Britney and Beijing Accord......................................................................72Would You Like That With a Side of Grits or an Egg Roll?............................................74Inner Peace - Yes, Outer SilenceNo Way..............................................................76Coming Soon - Casa de Vietnam.......................................................................78Mother Nature Calls - for Gloves And Goggles........................................................81How Not To Become My Own Zipcode....................................................................85Bruce Lee or James Bond -That is the Question.......................................................88A General's Generational Tale.......................................................................90Watch Your Language; It May Save You (Asia Trip - Part One).........................................93Unaccustomed to Customs Checkpoints (Asia Trip - Part Two)..........................................95Learning the ABC's of Chinese - Minus the ABC's.....................................................97The Kitchen God and His Missing Dumplings...........................................................99Crouching Child, Bedeviled Parent...................................................................101Dressed to the Nines - or Maybe Just Four and a Half................................................104A Duck for the Ages.................................................................................106Eight Words of Wisdom...............................................................................108Eliminating the Gray Area...........................................................................111A Time for Reflection, Resolutions, and Calcium Supplements.........................................114English is Perfect - Know What I mean?..............................................................116Not a Cloud in the Sky - on Purpose.................................................................118A Bouncing Ball and a Bruised Ego...................................................................120Not the Best or Worst of Times - But Somewhere in the Middle........................................122A Picture Perfect Picture a Pain to Perfect.........................................................124A Picture is Worth a Thousand Edits.................................................................127A Tour Guide of the Mundane.........................................................................130Born Without a Funny Bone...........................................................................132Dazed and Confused in a Shopping Mall...............................................................135A Complex Simplicity................................................................................137The American Dream - Transplanted...................................................................139The Michael Jordan of Sons..........................................................................145The Dog Days of 2006................................................................................148Hogging Up All The Attention for Chinese New Year...................................................150The Year of the Adorable Rodent.....................................................................152From Noodles to Burgers & Back......................................................................154The Anti-Asian Stereotype Man.......................................................................157Turning Nothing Into a Political Career.............................................................159To Golf Or Not To Golf - That Is The Problem........................................................161Justice In The Name Of Purple.......................................................................164General Tso - Your Check is in the Mail.............................................................166Maybe We Could Create a Dessert Called TIR-AH-MAH-SU................................................168A Home of Good Fortune and Little Patience..........................................................170To Beard or not to Beard............................................................................172Fish, Fish, Where For Art Thou Fish?................................................................174No Crab, But a Barrel Full of Excuses...............................................................176Dental Work Via Hand Signals........................................................................179Yogurt Schmogurt - I'll Take Chocolate..............................................................181Blaming Parents for a Happy Childhood...............................................................183The Wild Kingdom - In My...