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Do I Really Have to Read This?
A Man's Guide to a Healthy RelationshipBy Richard CaplanAuthorHouse
Copyright © 2009 Richard Caplan MSW, MPH
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4490-3521-1Contents
PREFACE..........................................................................................viiINTRODUCTION.....................................................................................ixASSUMPTIONS......................................................................................xiBASIC PREMISES...................................................................................xiiiMISSION STATEMENT................................................................................xivTHE COUPLED MAN'S CREED..........................................................................xivCHAPTER 1 IN THE BEGINNING.......................................................................1CHAPTER 2 COMMUNICATION..........................................................................3CHAPTER 3 TEN MAJOR DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN............................................9CHAPTER 4 THE TEN BIGGEST MISTAKES MEN MAKE AFTER THEY ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP.....................21CHAPTER 5 BECOMING A COUPLE......................................................................29CHAPTER 6 WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A COUPLE...........................................................35CHAPTER 7 THE ADOLESCENT MAN.....................................................................41CHAPTER 8 THE DELICATE BALANCE OF INTER-DEPENDENT LIVING.........................................47CHAPTER 9 LIVING WITH A WOMAN....................................................................53CHAPTER 10 HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE IN TROUBLE?...............................................59CHAPTER 11 THE HARDEST GAME TO PLAY..............................................................63CHAPTER 12 STAYING OUT OF TROUBLE................................................................65CHAPTER 13 ARE WE MARRIED YET?...................................................................69CHAPTER 14 THE OTHER FAMILY......................................................................73CHAPTER 15 OTHER WOMEN...........................................................................81CHAPTER 16 THE AFFAIR............................................................................83CHAPTER 17 SERIOUS PROBLEMS......................................................................87CHAPTER 18 SEX...................................................................................95CHAPTER 19 YOU MEAN YOU'RE STILL MAD AT HER?.....................................................99CHAPTER 20 BECOMNG A PARENT......................................................................101POST SCRIPT......................................................................................107
Chapter One
IN THE BEGINNING
Women fall in love with the little boy that lives inside of each man. This is where women find the child that they wish to nurture (at least until they have a real child, but more on that later). Once they've established connection with the child, they then get busy looking for the man who surrounds him. This is extremely important for a woman because, in my experience, a woman cannot love a man she doesn't respect.
If, while looking for the man, a woman finds an adolescent boy, then things are not destined to work out well. A woman might still marry this man thinking that she will change him (woman's problem #1) but she will soon learn that an adolescent man remains an adolescent man until he is forced by some force of nature to change.
Men, fall in love with what is in front of them. Consciously, they are not looking for anything more complicated than that.
The old adage is very true: Women fall in love with a man believing he will change. Men fall in love with a woman believing she will not.
Chapter Two
COMMUNICATION
The best place to start in any relationship is with communication. Without effective communication, nothing can be resolved, and I am certain there are always things that need to be resolved.
As you most likely know, and will read more about in the next chapter, there are major biological as well as psychological differences between men and women. This is especially true not only in HOW men and women communicate differently but also in WHY we communicate. It's probably a good idea to accept these differences as fundamental truths. Like gravity, you can't touch it or smell it or see it but if you've ever fallen on your face, you know it's there.
In order to help you understand what is actually going on, I am going to outline some major communication differences in a way that might help you understand what your woman does or does not want from you and why you seem to be in trouble most of the time.
Ready?
1) MOST WOMEN ENJOY TALKING
It's not actually the talking they enjoy, it's the relating. Women are built for relationships. Let me demonstrate with this example:
If you watch a little girl of say, four years old playing, they might be having a pretend tea party or a pretend birthday party for one of their stuffed animals. Naturally, they would have invited the rest of their stuffed animals to this party. Each stuffed animal would have a name and a personality and there is always some interaction going on. Now, the drama. Snuffy the snake doesn't like Barry the beaver because Barry wasn't nice to Snuffy's friend Gloria the gorilla. So, the little girl will (hopefully) have Snuffy and Barry work it out so they can be friends. Barry will apologize to Gloria and then everyone will be happy again and get back to the pretend party. The little girl will feel good because she helped her stuffed animals work through a potential crisis.
Now let's take a look at a four year old boy at play. In his right hand there is the dreaded T-Rex. In his left hand there is the ever dangerous raptor. They see each other and they prepare for combat. They growl and hiss and then the inevitable happens, they rush at each other with teeth and claws and basic mayhem as they fight to the death.
In other words: girls relate, boys dominate.
So gentlemen, we have been at a disadvantage from the very beginning. So just remember, it's not your fault and it doesn't mean you're a bad person. You're just a man.
So let's get back to difference #1. There you are, minding your own business, wondering if the NFL should expand their season when your woman comes in and starts to talk to you. Now, you may be wondering (if you're listening at all):
Why is she telling me all this? Is there some problem I need to take care of? Do I need to do something? That's not the way I would have handled it.
Congratulations! You are responding like a true man. You are built for action, for solutions. The time for talking is over; the time for doing is now. You begin, in your manly way, to explain to your woman exactly what she did wrong and how she needs to do it the way you would have done it. You offer suggestions, solutions and sound manly advice. But does she appreciate that? No she doesn't! Instead she gives you that look that you have seen so often and shakes her head mumbling something like, "Why do I bother even trying to talk to you?" and she leaves.
And you, yes you. You sit there and wonder what exactly just happened.
Later, when she explains it...
