Family of Origin: Destiny

This chapter explores how the stage is set for what our future holds. You may or may not relate; but I know now that, without a doubt, this is where my predestined journey was established, playing out as my reality later in life.

Our family of origin plays a large part in whether or not we will be diagnosed bipolar, schizophrenic, or with some other mental illness. Genetics play the biggest role in our illness. In my case, mental illness started on my grandmother's side of the family. My grandmother's first husband was thought to have been bipolar; he had a very obvious mental illness. He was an extreme alcoholic and was abusive to my grandmother. My grandmother divorced him when my mother was twelve years old. Sometime after the divorce, my grandfather committed suicide by driving his car off of a cliff.

My mother suffered from some minor depression. I believe it was due partly to never really knowing her father or any of his family. He was not around much for her to ever get to know him.

My mother's brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia when he was eighteen years of age. My grandmother did not know what to do with him. He was extremely unmanageable. She had no choice but to commit him to The Mental Institution in Oregon, where he remained for over 30 years, and where he was horribly mistreated.

After my uncle was at the institution 31 years, the FDA discovered a drug called Clozaril. After he had been on a regimen of Clozaril for one year, he was finally doing very well. He was released back to his home town, where he was placed in an adult foster home. He seemed to do well there. He loved to walk around town, and he had his favorite places to go. Often times I would see him in town at a little market, which was one of his daily stopping and resting places. He would be standing, sitting, or leaning on the side of the building. I would stop and give him five dollars. I was never able to make any sense of what my uncle was saying. I pretended to understand, for his sake. Drugs over the years had affected his speech tremendously, and he drooled a lot.

One day when I saw him at the market, the manager came out and asked me, "Ma'am, is he bothering you?" I answered no rather sharply, and explained that he was my uncle. The man was very surprised and went back inside. That was one of the first steps along my journey. I accept my uncle for who he was, not a transient, as others saw him. He was a very sweet man who deserved respect, like us all.

In foster care, my uncle was given an allowance every day for coffee and cigarettes. He led a very simple life until his death at the age of 60. He passed from pneumonia and emphysema. My grandmother was devastated. She felt guilty, wishing she'd had more time with him. She wanted to make up for the three decades that she was not present in his life; but the fact is, there was not anything she could have done for him in those years, nor anything much after he came back home.

Whether or not mental illness started one hundred years ago or forty years ago in our family, it will shape and determine our lives. My mother's family's genes were passed down to her. She never had any symptoms of mental illness. However, she was often unavailable to my three brothers and me when we were growing up. Our lives were never normal. There was constant chaos in our home. At the age of 19, my youngest brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Later in life, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder with Psychosis.

I am quite capable of living on my own. However, my brother is living in a foster home. He will not take medications, and is frequently hospitalized for bizarre behaviors — such as running down the highway, without clothing, shouting that he was being deported. At that point, the police took him to the hospital, where they put him in the Psychiatric Ward. He has been hospitalized like this several times. In Oregon, if patients refuse medication but do not pose a threat to themselves, the institution lets them go.

My brother lives a truly horrible existence. He believes that Satan is always speaking to him. He is very violent toward televisions and windows, he believes people are watching him through the windows, and that the television and Satan are speaking to him and telling him to kill people. He has never hurt anyone, except in elementary school, where he did get into a lot of fights and got expelled.

No matter what you do or try, nothing will work without medication.

The diagnosis of Bipolar 1 Disorder with Psychosis is described as having severe episodes with hallucinations and delusions. During a psychotic episode, I will not reason with anyone, and will at times end up in the hospital. This is very rare. But if it happens, I have learned a lot of ways to cope during these horrible times. Psychosis causes false fixed beliefs, meaning I can take what someone says and instantly my mind goes to thinking that person is out to get me. Hallucinations and delusions are always present with episodes of psychosis. Some are extreme and terrifying, while others are more mild. They are normally due to a change in my Lithium level. A change can happen if I have a difference in my routine, or experience stress or a lack of sleep. Alcohol can be a big factor as well, so I try to stay away from it completely. Under the care of my doctor, who adjusts my Lithium, I will level out most times within two to three days. Once it is corrected, I return to a sane state of mind, and all is normal again. Thankfully these episodes are few and far between.

Every manic episode will also cause psychotic symptoms. I have learned to live with them. They are difficult when they happen, because they seem all too real. I keep telling myself during the episode: This too shall pass. I have been here before and it will level out again. Even though I am aware, and tell myself that it will be okay, I am still terrified that there may come a time when I won't ever level out again.

I have two daughters, and I also try to help others — mostly elderly people, with tasks such as grocery shopping, light housekeeping,...