Relationships are a fundamental part of life. They can motivate us, help us grow, and direct us to be who we are and do the things we do. They can bring joy, meaning, and purpose into our lives. But if you're in the wrong relationship-one that's dysfunctional or just with the wrong partner-they can also be a source of frustration, pain, and unhappiness. Relationships are our great teachers. By inspiring us to ultimately focus on the relationship we have with ourselves, we can create great relationships with others. Dr. Mark R. Naim brings a holistic approach to relationship dynamics. In his work with countless couples and individuals, he inspires his patients to ask the big questions, in an attempt to get them to understand all the factors that influence the formation and health of their relationships. When you understand what's really happening, you are in a position to make healthy choices that work and create changes for the better in your life. The key to creating the relationship you want can be found by asking three fundamental questions: Who am I? Where am I going? Who is going with me? As always, to find the right answers, you need to ask the right questions.
Relationships
By Mark R. NaimBalboa Press
Copyright © 2012 Dr. Mark R. Naim
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4525-0662-3Contents
1. Introduction.................................................xi2. Reasons for Relationships....................................13. Key Relationships............................................74. Influences and Attitude......................................135. In the Womb..................................................176. The Early Years..............................................217. Beliefs and Vows.............................................248. Letting Go of Beliefs........................................389. Nurture to Nature............................................4210. The Emotional Structure of People...........................4311. Mechanics of a Relationship.................................5712. The Physical Structure of Relationships.....................6213. Relationship Breakdown......................................7214. Repair of a Relationship....................................7415. The Strength of a Bond......................................7816. Your Relationship with Yourself.............................8317. Knowing Who You Are.........................................9818. Help and Guidance...........................................10019. Forgiveness.................................................10520. Your Relationship with Spirit...............................11621. Questions and Reminders.....................................12222. Summary.....................................................12423. Meditation..................................................12924. References..................................................131
Chapter One
Reasons for Relationships
This chapter (and all the others) is based on all my study, from evidence that is available from multiple sources, plus of course my own experience. The ideas that follow are what I have come to believe is true.
Basically, the substance of the universe—the glue that holds it all together—is love. Before we are born into this physical world, we are all intimately part of this love, this creative energy. Without the flow of this loving energy, we (and the entire universe) would cease to exist.
For us to exist in physicality and come into being as people, it is required that we seemingly separate from this love. I say seemingly, because we never really do. It is an illusion that we need, in order to exist as individuals, with free will.
However, before we choose to separate and be conceived and born, we have the ability to choose what we need to experience in the life to come—for our continued growth as beings, and for the perfection of the physical world.
To help with this, we set up agreements with ourselves, and other souls. These agreements (or contracts) form the basis of the major relationships we will have in the life to come and the circumstances that arise from them. I think that if we understand this, everything that happens subsequently has meaning and makes sense.
We are also given certain skills to help us. This includes our intelligence, personality type and natural abilities. It also includes our intuition or ability to energetically assess other people, and the ability to receive all the help that is made available for us.
In addition, before birth, we are specifically required to forget everything. Part of what has to happen is that we come into this world without any recollection of where we come from or which agreements have been made. This is so we can use the attribute of choice.
Choice
We must be free to exercise choice in this world and to experience the consequences of our choices—including those that come from relationships.
If we were born knowing what was going to happen to us, life would not hold any challenges. We would forfeit the chance to grow through overcoming these challenges, and that would make existence meaningless.
Having choice is not the same as being in control. Control is usually fear-based. By trying to control everything in our world, we actually impose a cage or set of restrictions on ourselves, and this limits our experiences, and therefore our development and growth as human beings. What we need to know is that control is actually beyond control.
We can choose to stay in openness instead, and embrace the unknown at all times. In this way we open ourselves to the abundance that life offers, and the unlimited possibilities that exist.
The most foolish thing in Life is to give up choice. Choice and Power—they are the only two things in life. Not Love. Love is the quality of the manner in which you conduct yourself. —Deepak Chopra
We will come to know who we are through what we choose in this life.
Discovering Yourself
Perhaps the most important reason for having relationships is to discover (or re-discover) who we are. The goal is to live fully and vibrantly as human beings as an expression of who we are in this physical world. I have described other ways of finding out who you are later in the book, in chapter 17.
But for now, in light of the above, when considering relationships a key requirement is to ask the following:
1. Who am I?
2. Where am I going?
3. Who is going with me?
And the important thing is—not to change the order.
The answers to these questions can guide you, and place you in a much healthier position to choose an appropriate partner or fellow traveller for yourself. They may share the same vision or goal, but if (more likely) they don't, they will have qualities that will help you to learn and be who you are, and assist you to go where you need to go. The rest follows and can be worked out.
In an ideal world, this would be the way to go. And yet, even if someone who is apparently not the right one enters your life, he or she will still help you learn who you are—if you are open to that.
It may be more of a rocky road than a smooth one, but it is still your road, and the result (of helping you to become more of who you are) can be the same.
There is also another, more reflective approach. Rather than asking: "Who shall I choose to come with me?" you could ask the question, "Who has been chosen for me, and why?"
This approach can leave you open to guidance, and the question enables you to step back and choose more wisely and objectively than you may have done otherwise.
In life, and in relationships, it's important to keep things going well by going where you are meant to go. If you're not going where you are meant to go before a relationship begins, then you may not ever find out where you are meant to go afterwards—and the relationship will almost certainly go nowhere.
What this little play on words means is that we had better not give up on who we are in order to make a relationship work. If we do that we will lose who we are, and the relationship will not work anyway. You cannot abandon yourself in order to find yourself.
"To thine own self be true" becomes a working framework that can't be ignored. It is necessary to have the ability to be your own observer and be aware of how and why you do the things you do, think the way you think, and feel the way you feel.
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. —Bernard M Baruch
Once you are clear about the above, then it becomes easier to ask what the real purpose of having relationships with others, is.
Relationships...
