Santa Incorporated: The interview the whole world has been waiting for with The Man, The Myth, The Legend.

What if Santa Claus wasn’t really the magician everyone thinks he is, but a great businessman who created a worldwide business to deliver the presents all over the world? He uses his millions to shut down competitors and develop new technologies to help him in his mission. After years of trying I finally was able to track down the Man, the Myth, the Legend himself, Santa Claus. After many attempts, and endless letters and calls to his New York lawyers offices, he and the Mrs. finally allowed me to visit them for a few days and have an intimate and detailed conversation about his life, his business and the problems he has faced over the centuries. He has sworn me to secrecy regarding his location, but I was allowed full access to him and his compound. He and I sat down the first night and over drinks and cigars he explained to me the history of his business, not just delivering presents on Christmas Eve, but the influence men like Silas Ebermach and his nephew, Karl Bahnstruch, the geniuses behind creating his wealth. He also discusses some of his more modern acquaintances, men like Ray Kroc and other business leaders who drove the direction of his business to where it is right now. Then he began to talk. Talk like he’d never talked before. I heard all about the structure of his business, the training program and the culture he has worked to create. He introduced me to his crack Research and Development Team, Codename: ELVESS. We discussed who and how he recruits new “Santas” for the business, all about the different types of charities he and his business associates support around the world, usually children’s charities, figures, and what technology he created, which the governments of the world keep hush-hush. Then he took me on a tour of the “compound.” He set up his residence with facilities to host large gatherings of his business partners, with rooms for them to stay in, he has a full lab and garage for undercover technology development, both on the sleigh and on handheld devices. Our talk ranged from his beginnings as an outlaw to sleigh technology to surveillance methods, of both the kids and families, and of his associates during their rounds. They have a worldwide network of air traffic control, vastly superior to the methods used in airports now, as they have to track not only their own people, but all the air traffic up at any time, including military, worldwide. They also have features that allow parents to contact The Organization directly: texting, email and such. We delved into his history. From his beginnings in Lapland around the turn of the LAST millenium to the modern age. This naturally led into his history in the book, music and entertainment industries, including showing me his plans for a theme park. Little did I know how deeply his hands were in those areas. In fact, some of the most famous songs were written, and even performed, by partners of his. Some very famous names, who must remain nameless, are on the list. (Hint: one name rhymes with "ring".) Then came the Dark Times: The Shopping Wars of the 1980’s. It was a time where one of his business partners tried to take over Christmas. Brawls between rival Santas were breaking out, colors were worn, products introduced and other factions were created. After over a decade and a final climactic battle in the mountains, Santa controlled the holiday. Unfortunately we still feel the results of that battle at Christmas even today. While showing me all his technology, he shared with me about his ELVESS team, the Exploratory Laboratory to View and Examine Special Situations. He has a whole team of people working on the latest Santa and Christmas related Technology. We talked about the roles parents take and he told me that he is reviving the practice of “aging out” kids who get old enough. Christmas season is almost upon us, so send your letters and keep your eyes to the sky!