CHAPTER 1
HEARING YOU SAY THAT, I FEEL ...
Hearing you say that, I feel hurt. Hearing you say you want me to come over tonight, I'm feeling afraid to disappoint you. Hearing you say you felt neglected, I'm thinking, "I wish I'd been there when you got home from the emergency room."
Telling someone how you feel after he or she expresses something important builds intimacy and connection. Most of us have a somewhat limited vocabulary when it comes to expressing our in-the-moment feelings, so we are more likely to offer an automatic or habitual response than to connect heart-to-heart. We're more likely to explain or defend ourselves when someone expresses anger, rather than letting the other know how we feel hearing her displeasure with us. Or when someone gives us a compliment, we're more apt to reply with a quick comeback, rather than openly receiving and registering that person's words.
Your mate tells you he's going to a meeting tonight when you'd been hoping for an intimate evening together. You feel disappointed, but instead of revealing this in a way that allows him to see you and feel you, you come back with, "You always need to be on the go, don't you?" Then you complain about "not feeling heard" or "not being seen."
Most of us have a somewhat limited vocabulary when it comes to expressing our in-the-moment feelings, so we are more likely to offer an automatic or habitual response than to connect heart-to-heart.
Your son comes home from school bragging about how well he did on an exam. You continue doing whatever you had been doing and, without looking up, reply: "That's great," or some other stereotypical response. What if instead you connected with him on a feeling level? "Hearing that you scored at the 90th percentile, I feel so proud of you!"
Your mate tells you about a tough interaction she had at work. In an attempt to be supportive, you automatically go into "fix it" mode, offering ideas about how she might have handled it differently. What if instead, you simply responded, "Hearing you say your coworker went over your head again, I feel upset. I'm really glad you're talking to me about it"?
Revealing feelings the moment they are occurring is a rather advanced communication practice. It's an option that simply does not occur to most people because most of us grew up in families where people ignored one another's essential humanness. Most of us long to be seen, heard, and felt by those closest to us, but we learned a long time ago to settle for less, suffer in silence, and carry around a lot of unhealed pain and resentment. If we could all learn how to respond on a feeling level to each other, our adult relationships could be a source of tremendous healing. Couples who have worked with me, for example, report that learning how to connect with feelings using the seven keys has shown them how to satisfy each other's unmet childhood longings in their current relationship.
Healing Childhood Wounds
As a longtime couples counselor, I have found that most couples enter marriage with the unconscious agenda of healing themselves through their relationship. At some level we know we have been emotionally wounded due to the insensitivity of our early caregivers. Most of these caregivers were well-intentioned but had little training or guidance in responding to human emotions.
It's not too late to transform our adult relationships into vehicles for healing the past. The way to do this is to practice the language of feelings. To assist you in identifying your feelings, take a look at the list of feelings and sensations below — noting which ones you have an easy time expressing and which are difficult or foreign to you. As you read through the feelings list, imagine yourself using the phrase "Hearing you say that, I feel ..." followed by each emotion or sensation on the list. Notice how your body feels as you express these various feeling words. Notice your emotional tone as you report various sensations.
Most couples enter marriage with the unconscious agenda of healing themselves through their relationship.
FEELINGS
I feel anger or I'm angry at you for ... (something specific that the other said or did)
I feel sad
I feel disappointed
I feel happy
I feel appreciative
I feel resentful
I feel hurt
I feel upset
I feel numb, frozen, shut down
I feel anxious, uneasy, nervous
I feel expansive
I feel furious
I feel awed
I feel afraid
I feel shocked, stunned
I feel curious, open
SENSATIONS
I feel heat, cold
I sense tension (in my eyes, face, jaw, hands)
I sense contraction in my body
I sense relaxation in my body
I feel warm (in my belly, my heart, my face)
I feel agitation
I feel excitement
I feel nauseated
How We Learn to Ignore Feelings
People experience sensations and feelings all the time, but they may have learned not to pay attention to their inner world. As a youngster Jim felt pain when his mother directed or corrected him using a harsh tone of voice. He learned that it was less painful to simply tune her out and turn off his feelings, so he got into the habit of saying "Okeydokey" as his automatic response. Now as an adult married to Janine, when his wife asks him to do something that he has not already thought of, he takes it as a criticism, goes on automatic, and replies, "Okeydokey." Such a response communicates to Janine that he is not paying attention, and she gets louder and more strident in an attempt to connect. Jim feels resentful, but appears stoic.
What if he could let her know that her tone bothered him? What if he told her, "Hearing you say I need to paint the door in that tone of voice, I feel irritated"? This statement might not be pleasant for Janine to hear, but she would know that he was paying attention. She'd feel more connected and less abandoned, and she might even become more aware of her tone of voice.
Dealing with Unconscious Reactions
Some people feel hurt or angry and don't even realize it. Mary's husband Bruce tells her, "I'm going to bed now." Mary feels disappointed. She was hoping for a longer evening together. But does she tell Bruce this? No, her fear-of-rejection button has been triggered so she goes on automatic: "You're always so tired! We need to get you to a doctor." She avoids her own feelings and instead makes it his problem ("You're always so tired"). Instead of saying "I want ...," she uses the more impersonal and safe form, "we need to." And she creates even more distance from him and from her own truth by generalizing about him ("you're always...
