I Sense Humor
By Jobe WritesAuthorHouse
Copyright © 2009 Jobe Writes
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4490-1806-1 Contents
Shocking Behavior..........................................1Paper Money................................................11Friends....................................................21The Shot Heard Round the Block.............................33First Camping Trip ... Ever................................43Stubbing Toes..............................................57I Sense Humor..............................................67The Game...................................................75Wrinkles and Floppy Skin...................................81My Friend GBY..............................................91Tweeter....................................................101Things Just Happen.........................................109Editorial..................................................119The Guys' Rules............................................129Family Definitions and Acronyms............................132The Unexpected Dedication of this Book.....................134
Chapter One
Shocking Behavior
Ah, I have good memories of LeRoy Bunkerman, nicknamed Bunker, who was this scrawny kid with no muscles at all. In fact, Bunker was so skinny that when he wore shorts his legs looked like they were hanging from the shorts' legs like clappers inside side by side bells. He had bright red hair and freckles all over his face and arms. Yeah, Bunker was one of my best friends growing up in Holladay Elementary School and it was Bunker that came up with the idea in the first place. Oh, yeah, Bunker always came up with the ideas that got us in the most trouble, but this one turned out to be worth all the yelling and threats to our tender bodies because the end results were so much better than we could have ever hoped for.
We were in the sixth grade at Holladay Elementary, a deceptive name for a school to fool innocent children into thinking that it was a great place to attend, but it was anything but a holiday! Anyway, to overcome the intense boredom, Bunker had become very interested in new inventions and gadgets and was always on the lookout for them, so, naturally, sooner or later he was bound to come across one that would peak his interest.
We lived in a small town outside of Salt Lake City at the base of the Rocky Mountains and there was a lot of hunting going on year around. Elk season was early September; deer and turkey season was late October; duck season in November; and bear season was whenever one tried to eat you. Anyway, because of all the great hunting, a lot of hunters owned dogs and there were all kinds of gadgets that were being invented to help train your dog to be a better hunter, be more obedient, and learn to poop in his own yard, that kind of stuff. Well, sooner or later it was going to happen, the new invention for training your dog was a battery- operated collar that had three different buttons on the end of the leash.
One day Bunker showed up with his dad's favorite hunting dog (which, by the way was pretty well trained as it was) wearing this new training collar with what looked like an extension cord for the leash.
"What are those buttons for, Bunker?"
As if he was a college professor, Bunker explained, "The yellow button is to give a very mild shock to get the dog's attention. The blue button, I guess, is like a line drive baseball to your groin, and the red button works like stopping MacIntosh's prize bull in full charge, dead in his tracks, just before he gores you."
Bunker continued with his lecture, "When you want him to walk right next to you, and he starts to wander away, you push this yellow button like this." The dog (his name was Beast) jumped and whimpered a little. "See, it gives him a small jolt to let him know that he isn't being obedient and to get back here by me," he explained. I noticed the dog hadn't tried to leave Bunker's side and wasn't sure what the heck had just happened. I thought it looked like it was a mean way to train any dog.
"Show me again," I said. Bunker pushed the yellow button again and Beast jumped, but this time he didn't whimper. He showed his teeth and added a rumbling noise that sounded really disobedient to me. Bunker and I looked at Beast and Bunker suggested we try out the collar on a less aggressive animal than this one. I thought that was a great idea, so we took Beast back home and removed the collar.
That's when Bunker's mom's cat, Ms. Pretty, rubbed up against his leg. We never even spoke. We just knew we had found an animal that really needed training. The collar was too big for the darn cat, so Bunker cinched it up around it's middle, the whole time talking sweetly to Ms. Pretty, "Ah, nice kitty, pretty kitty, there you go, nice kitty." Bunker said it might be better to take Ms. Pretty for a walk away from the house, just in case we should be interrupted and ruin the training session.
We walked Ms. Pretty to the back lot behind Bunker's house, a really nice open field where cats liked to go to chase mice or sometimes just to fight, growl, and hiss at each other.
"Well, I think this is as good a place as any to start her training," Bunker said and pushed the yellow button. I was impressed! I never knew any cat could elevate that high, straight up several feet, without a running start.
"Wow that was neat! Do it again." So, for the next couple of minutes, we hopped Ms. Pretty around the field. The whole time Bunker was saying, "Nice kitty, pretty kitty, don't ever rub against my leg again Kitty."
It was getting pretty boring after what must have seemed like a lifetime to Ms. Pretty, so I asked Bunker, "What about the blue button?"
"I'll push it only once. I don't know exactly how Ms Pretty will react." Then Bunker pushed the blue button.
As we were taking the cat back to Bunkers' house I asked him, "What are you going to tell your mom about your pant leg? I never thought a cat could move that fast, or those little paws could shred a pant leg so quickly."
"Maybe she won't notice my pant leg," said Bunker as he looked sideways at the large fur ball he was carrying in his arm.
"You know, I think I'll just wait for you out front by the curb, ok?"
"Sure, I'll just put Ms Pretty in the house and come right back."
I really didn't think he would be back, but felt it would be worth hanging around just to see what his mom and dad would do to him.
To understand what happened next, let me tell you a little bit about Bunker's parents. His mom was a high strung flighty-type person. Whenever I went to their house and she would answer the door, she would be first wearing a smile until she looked down and saw that it was me. Her smile would go crooked and her eyebrows would fall down almost hiding her eyes, "Oh, my, it's you. Well, come on in for a few minutes." She then would rush around from room to room looking for Bunker to quickly escort us out of the house. There are times I worried that she might spontaneously combust.
Bunker's dad seemed to be a nervous wreck from the moment I entered their home. His upper lip would curl and his left eyelid would twitch the whole time he followed me with his eyes, while not turning his head. It was really annoying.
Anyway, Bunker walked into the house through the patio door which went right into the kitchen. That's where his mother met him.
"YEEEEEEEEEEEE! LEROY MERLIN BUNKERMAN, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MS. PRETTY?"
I heard his mom's scream all the way...
