It is a challenge for parents to raise children in one home even when everyone is getting along. After a divorce-when all the mediators, attorneys, evaluators, and judges have moved on to other families-parents are left with the most difficult task of all: moving past their own conflicts and learning to raise their child in two homes. Divorced parents often begin with the best of intentions, seeking to protect their children from hurt; even so, they often feel overwhelmed with the seemingly complex array of tasks and decisions that must be made after the dissolution of a marriage. Dr. Frank Leek is an experienced clinical and forensic psychologist (Now retired) who relies on his years of experience working with divorcing and divorced parents to offer parents twenty essential co-parenting tasks that encourage joint decisions, conflict reduction, and a focus on the well-being of children. While guiding parents through a process that often tests emotion and patience, Leek shares practical advice that helps parents effectively deal with the initial transition and the often complicated issues that follow. The insight offered in Shared Parenting: Beyond the Great Divide leads divorcing parents on a healing journey where they learn to communicate effectively, share parenting responsibilities, and find workable systems that encourage a peaceful future for everyone.

SHARED PARENTING: BEYOND the GREAT DIVIDE

The Twenty Essential Co-parenting Tasks for Raising Children in Two HomesBy Frank Leek

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2012 Frank Leek
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4759-2278-3

Contents

Acknowledgments..................................................................ixIntroduction: What to Do When Hell Freezes Over..................................1Part 1: The Transition...........................................................111 Staying Together or Divorcing..................................................132 Good Attorneys, Bad Attorneys, and No Attorneys at All.........................243 Selecting a Mental-Health Professional without Going Crazy.....................274 Parenting Plans Demystified....................................................315 Your Child during the Transition...............................................376 A Model Parenting Plan.........................................................45Part 2: Managing Complex Emotions................................................557 Managing Anger.................................................................578 Polarization: A Defense against Pain...........................................669 Co-parent Paranoia.............................................................6810 Child as Communicator.........................................................7011 The Child's Paradox...........................................................7512 The Parental Epiphany.........................................................8213 An Example of Making All the Wrong Decisions..................................84Part 3: Co-parent Communication..................................................8914 The Information Call..........................................................9115 The Weekly Co-parenting Call..................................................9616 The Semiyearly Meeting........................................................103Part 4: The Twenty Essential Co-parenting Tasks..................................11317 Selecting and Maintaining Alternative Care Providers..........................11518 Socialization and Discipline..................................................12019 Counseling and Therapy........................................................12420 Clothing......................................................................12921 Parent-Parent-Teacher Cooperation.............................................13122 Extended Family...............................................................13423 Extracurricular Activities....................................................13624 Your Child's Friendships......................................................13825 Hygiene.......................................................................14026 Friends and Family as Support Persons.........................................14227 Providing Medical and Dental Care.............................................14428 Values Training...............................................................14729 Parent–Child Telephone Calls............................................14930 Boundaries....................................................................15131 Safety........................................................................15332 Safe Sexual Development.......................................................15533 Transportation................................................................15734 Peaceful Exchanges............................................................15935 Vacations and Holidays........................................................16236 Problem Solving and Managing Crises...........................................164Part 5: Epilogue and Appendices..................................................173Epilogue.........................................................................175Appendices.......................................................................177An Interactive Book: A Request from the Author...................................211

Chapter One

Staying Together or Divorcing

The transition begins when one or both parents make the decision to separate. Even if you have made that decision, read this chapter and take a few minutes to reflect on your decision. The more thought you give to this important decision, the fewer regrets you will later have. If you have decided to remain together, seek the best help and support you can. If you have chosen to separate, make sure your reasons are well thought out and then move on. If you have decided to raise your child in two homes, the rest of the book is for you.

The transition continues with physically separating, filing for divorce, establishing two homes, taking care of yourself, and explaining to your child what is happening. During the transition, you will learn about the dissolution process, the costs, the terms, and the use of declarations and depositions, as well as the processes of mediation and evaluation. You will know the transition period is coming to an end when a court order is in place, the decree is final, and you have a court document outlining the division of property, what support is to be paid, and a parenting plan for your child.

You shouldn't get married just because you are standing in front of your friends, facing a member of the clergy who is about to ask a question that usually is answered with "I do." Nor should you get a divorce just because you have filed papers with the court to do so. Although the purpose of this book is to help you and the other parent learn to co-parent successfully after separation and divorce, first consider the possibility of staying together.

Three Common Reasons for Divorce

Common reasons for divorce are destructive behavior, character differences, and the normal stress of marriage, discussed in detail here.

Destructive Behavior

Divorce is an option when a parent is acting in a way that endangers one or both parents and/or the child. Dangerous behaviors include physical violence, emotional abuse, drug and alcohol abuse, criminal acts, chronic poor judgment, untreated emotional conditions, and a persistent failure to maintain a committed relationship. If the destructive behavior threatens injury or death, move to safety. If the other parent is potentially physically or emotionally abusive, you have the responsibility of placing very clear limits and not accepting behavior that exceeds those limits. You can then examine your part in the abuse, whether it is goading the other parent into such acts; tolerating such acts; believing that life offers no respite; or, having grown up in an abusive environment, believing such behavior is "normal." Clearly state your boundaries and limits and the consequences if the threat of abuse continues or escalates. Become involved in an anger management program, co-dependency treatment, and couples counseling. The final step, if changes are not made, is separation.

Visiting Jail as a Life Occupation

If the other parent can't seem to stay out of jail, it is generally best to divorce and work toward personal growth. Try not to think of yourself as someone who associates with a person who acts in ways that lead to being jailed. Only you can say when enough is enough. Counseling may be required to determine why you have agreed to such a lifestyle for yourself and your child.

Unfaithfulness Hurts, but Is It Fatal?

If the other parent chooses to not be loyal to the marriage, you have a choice: either work very hard in treatment to determine what...