Does prayer have to be silent? Does meditation have to be solemn?If I’m an extrovert, can I worship God?In this groundbreaking book, psychologist and spiritual adviser Nancy Reeves presents a refreshing view of spirituality that goes beyond personality to provide extroverts (and those who love them) with exciting new ways of approaching God.Reeves explores a wide variety of spiritual practices for extroverts, including:Praying in motionSingingCultivating spiritual friendshipsPracticing spirituality in groupsIn the end, she urges all of us, extrovert and introvert alike, to seek a mature spirituality that embraces all the aspects of our personalities. Includes questions for reflection and discussion. Perfect for book clubs, discussion groups, and bible study classes.“For some reason, we think of quiet, introverted people as the very name of holiness. This cannot be true, and Nancy Reeves shows us why!” -Richard Rohr, author of Things Hidden: Scripture as Spirituality “I’ve been waiting a long time to read a book like this! Nancy Reeves provides much needed insight and guidance.” -Joyce Rupp, author of Fresh Bread: And Other Gifts of Spiritual Nourishment“As an introvert, I found Reeves’ perspectives eye-opening and enormously helpful. They will change the way I interact with the extroverts in my life. This book should be required reading for anyone offering spiritual guidance.” -Marjorie J. Thompson, author of Soul Feast: An Invitation to the Christian Spiritual LifeNancy Reeves is a clinical psychologist, spiritual director, poet, and author. She is director of the Island Loss Clinic, teaches at the University of Victoria, and conducts many lectures and workshops internationally. She is the author of A Match Made in Heaven: A Bible-Based Guide to Deepening Your Relationship with God and I’d Say Yes, God, If I Knew What You Wanted.

Spirituality for Extroverts

and Tips for Those Who Love ThemBy Nancy C. Reeves

Abingdon Press

Copyright © 2008 The United Methodist Publishing House
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-687-65074-3

Chapter One

Are You a Tigger or an Owl?

Either we acknowledge that God is in all things or we have lost the basis for seeing God in anything. —Richard Rohr

I am a retreat and workshop facilitator. For about a year, I had been having lunch at a local retreat center with a group of other facilitators and spiritual directors. We met once or twice a month and informally discussed our work, our challenges, and our joys. As I left after the fourth meeting, I became aware that I was feeling somewhat down. Although the group always welcomed me warmly at the beginning of lunch, by the end of our time together, I began noticing a cooling in our connection. I felt confused and hurt. The others all worked in the retreat center; I was an outsider. Maybe they didn't really want me there, even though they had invited me.

I expressed my hurt and confusion in prayer. And I saw, in my mind's eye, myself as the character Tigger from A. A. Milne's Winnie the Pooh stories. Tigger is a loveable and very bouncy tiger. "Yup, that's me," I thought. I watched myself as Tigger, bouncing into the retreat center and being greeted by a group of Owls.

When my prayer time ended, I phoned one of my friends at the retreat center and shared my experience. She laughed and said, "Tigger is a good name for you. We love having you come for lunch, but since we are all quite introverted, most of us have had enough sharing after half an hour. You're still raring to go. I start to feel overwhelmed."

I felt a wave of relief. They did like me! It was my extroverted energy that was the difficulty for my friends. Understanding our different ways of being in the world meant that subsequent lunches were much happier for all of us.

Do you view yourself more as a Tigger or an Owl? This is a book for Tiggers, although we are not always bouncy; and for Owls who want to understand and support Tiggers.

What Are Extroverts?

We extroverts are folks whose attention and energy are often directed to the outside world of people and things. We are more prone to action than contemplation. We make friends readily, adjust easily to social situations, and generally show warm interest in our surroundings.

Introverts are people whose attention and energy are more often focused on the inner world of their own thoughts and feelings. Some introverts minimize their contact with other people.

Carl Jung introduced these terms in the 1920s. They caught on and continue to be popular, because they provide a useful lens for viewing ourselves and others.

Studying Extroverts' Spirituality

Once I decided to write a book on spirituality for extroverts, I wondered, "Where do I find a number of extroverts who are committed to a spiritual path and will tell me their stories?" I knew that I wanted to hear from extroverts in different countries and various faith traditions. I also wanted feedback from introverts who believe that extroverts can have a strong spiritual life.

There was no way I had time to interview even thirty people. So I decided to draw up a questionnaire and e-mail it to an initial group of people who I knew to be extroverts, even though I knew that extroverts aren't keen on this type of research tool. As Brian Shields wrote when he returned his completed form, "I would have done much better in my answers if you were to have a group of us meet and talk about this. A questionnaire is really an introvert's tool. I need to get warmed up to share better."

I hoped that the chance to tell their stories would offset the boredom of filling out the questionnaire. And it did! The topic struck a chord; responses streamed in! I received seventy-one requests for questionnaires. Carol enthused in her e-mail, "I am so excited about your research! I have read that most ministers and Christian writers (and would think almost all mystics) are introverts. I am an extrovert, and most of the writing just does not resonate with me!"

Cathie from North Carolina said, "My introverted friend forwarded me your e-mail about an extrovert research project. As I said to her, I can't believe this research is really necessary, since extroverts will tell you everything you need to know at any time anyway! But to prove my point, I would love to participate if you are still looking for folks. Because of course I would love to talk more!"

Cathie continued, "And I am particularly fascinated about 'extroverted spiritual practices.' Although I received my call to the priesthood on a five-day silent retreat, I still find quiet meditation more of a torture than a blessing (unless I am on a city bus), so I am very interested to find out how other extroverts manage their prayer life."

Other folk were interested in this topic and helped me get the word out. Liz Ellmann, Servant Leader of Spiritual Directors International, included my request in her monthly newsletter; some book publishers sent the request to their authors; I mentioned it at most of the workshops I gave; and others heard through the vast "spirituality grapevine."

The result? Fifty-eight people (fifty-one extroverts and seven introverts) completed my questionnaire. They came from the United States, Canada, New Zealand, Australia, and Peru. They ranged in age from twenty-four to eighty-eight. Over half were between fifty-four and sixty-seven years old. Seventy-six percent were female; twenty-four percent were male. Forty-four participants (seventy-six percent) were Christian, six stated they did not have a particular faith tradition, three were Jewish, two were Unitarian Universalist, one was "interfaith," one was a Taoist, and one listed herself as a spiritual universalist.

The short questionnaire was designed to elicit feelings and stories. I'll be sharing many of those stories in this book, using an informal approach and tone. For those of you who want to see details about the study and its results, you'll find them at the back of this book (see Reeves Research). If you work with people in a helping capacity, these details may be helpful for you.

Extroversion—Software or Hardware?

So, when do we become extroverted? Is it part of our "hardware," or is our preferred orientation more like "software" that is dependent on our environment and society? Some recent brain research seems to indicate that extroversion is hardwired into us before birth. These studies show that different parts of the brain become more active when extroverts and introverts think in the same way. In one research project, for example, when extroverts were asked to relax and let their minds go where they wished, they tended to use the rear of their brains, the parts that receive and interpret information from the senses—in other words, they turned outward. The introverts, by contrast, were turning inward, using the front of their brains. Their brain activity was focused on the regions associated with planning, remembering, and problem solving. 2

There are also indications that extroversion can be learned. A number of people in my study wrote of how they have become more or less extroverted over the years. When you exercise a muscle, it works more smoothly and efficiently. When you practice a musical...