CHAPTER 1

One of the aspects of life I find most fascinating is the conceptof aging, and how our perception of age changes, as we growolder. When I was in the Fifth Grade a senior from high schoolcame into class to assist the teacher, my mother. I remember him lookingso much older, so adult. At sixty years of age, I look at high schoolseniors and find it hard to believe they will soon have to face the trialsof the adult world. They seem so young.

The way in which perspective and perception so subtly form andreform our individual picture of reality as we pass through life is anincredible phenomenon to observe. A close examination of these changeshelps to develop a fuller awareness of that consciousness within myself,that portion of me more consistent through time than other aspects ofmy being.

I remember my mother trying to tell me about this phenomenonwhen she was around 55 years of age. She remarked how she didn't feelany different, any older in her mind, that conscious portion of herself atthe center of her sensory awareness. She was more tired at times. Maybecouldn't remember quite as well, but her awareness of, and presencein the moment had never noticeably changed. I had to grow some tounderstand what she was saying about the nature of consciousness.

My education in these matters of understanding and awareness tooka big leap in my junior year in high school. While sitting in physics classone day I began to perceive a larger, more detailed picture of our reality.My teacher in this class, Mr. Spoelman, who doubled as superintendentfor the school, was the kind of guy who could explain the more difficultconcepts.

The obstacle for me to overcome in this particular epiphany wasthe realization that my own body was composed of those commoninfinitesimal particles that form our world. The atoms, electrons, protons,and neutrons studied in my earlier, more elementary science classes.

I had been raised in the church, and had come to think of myself asbeing composed of some more ethereal material, different from all therocks, trees and even animals. I remember that moment of revelationwell. My living, breathing, even thinking and feeling organism wascomposed of the same atoms and elements as everything else in theworld around me. I felt diminished somehow.

This incident shook me awake, and led me to question everythingabout the reality I had previously accepted with the ignorant innocenceof youth. As this search for the truth expanded and progressed, itbecame more focused on the nature of my personal reality and thevalidity of my religious influences. Why, what and who am I as a humanbeing here on Earth? What is the source of it all?

Even before this I had been curious about the true nature of ourexistence, and the complete picture of what it means to be human.My curiosity about the religious/spiritual aspect of life first led me toan exploration of Greek mythology. Spending time in the Sixth andSeventh Grades seeking out books on the subject. I loved the storiesand the characters in them. I can recall wondering at the time if thesemonsters and gods were part of some former ancient reality, a predecessorof the world and religion I knew. These and other readings had, by thetime I was near the end of high school, given me a broader perspectiveon the belief system of my own liberally Protestant religion.

I had been programmed to accept this religion's beliefs. My parentshelped me to have year after year of near perfect attendance in Sundayschool. I have a string of gold and ceramic medals, neatly crafted toconnect in a descending chain, and a couple of Bibles, as my rewardfor their effort. This belief system was really all I was ever exposed to,so that was how it must be. Every now and then I would try to lookbeyond the borders of those beliefs. Like my interest in mythology, or anunsettling question for whatever Sunday school teacher was strugglingto hold my interest.

One belief held by this religion involved the concept of pre-destination. Essentially, this belief means that before we are ever bornGod knows our entire life story. Even though we have free will in thislife, He knows whether we will be going to Heaven or Hell. There wassomething about this concept that didn't fit in with the beliefs aboutdivine love and justice this religion also claimed.

How could this God create and claim to love me, and then because of thepossibility of a few mistakes in my short time as a human being, condemn meto the Eternal Fires of Hell? Knowing as He created me I was going toburn in the end. It left me with the feeling of an apparent and senselessinjustice as defined in those beliefs. If He really loved me, He wouldn'ttreat me that way.

Combine my resentment of this injustice with the disappointmentof finding my body's composition to be less than divine, and I knew Ineeded to find a more complete and rational understanding of myselfas a human being here on this planet, in this Universe. Holding onblindly to faith in an inherited, rigid doctrine of belief was no longersufficient.

I didn't realize at the time how long that might take, or how deeplydisturbing and transforming this pursuit of knowledge might be. It'snot easy to deny a deeply ingrained belief in guilt and punishment thatis substantially reinforced by the unforgiving consequence of Hell.

CHAPTER 2

As a junior in high school I arranged for my Sunday schoolclass to attend a Mass at a Catholic church in the nearby townof Bellaire. This was in the mid-Sixties and at that time therewere still some weighty theological and social differences between evenProtestants and Catholics, two Christ-based religions. Among otherissues, this led to variations in what were considered socially acceptablebehaviors.

In Ellsworth, my little town, the church was a large part of thesocial life. Those matters and events the churches didn't control directly,the force of their influence still ruled. The issue I resented the most wasan absolute ban on dancing. Teenagers shouldn't get that close whileface-to-face with each other. This, and my growing need for a broadervariety of activities, led me down the road to Bellaire at quite an earlyage.

I happened to be blessed, at least in this aspect of our relationship,with an older brother whose then current love interest lived in Mancelona,a town beyond Bellaire. On Saturday night beginning as a freshman inhigh school, before I was old enough to drive, he would take me as far asBellaire and drop me off in the center of town. Leaving me to entertainmyself until he passed through on his way back home. I was completelyamazed my parents trusted me enough to allow this.

Not only did Bellaire have a movie theatre, every Saturday night adisc jockey named Lee Lyons from Grand Rapids, in the lower part ofMichigan, would come to Bellaire to put on a dance. I could take in amovie and then walk a block down the street to the record hop and getto know the locals.

I actually knew a couple of people my age in Bellaire. My familyhad rented a house there the last semester of the year I was in the FirstGrade, before we bought the farm in Ellsworth. We had moved up fromHolland in the southern part of the state for a job my father had foundin the area. In addition to that, before he fell in love my older brotherhad spent some time at these dances. All of these factors helped me toreintroduce myself into the social life of Bellaire. I spent most my freetime in Bellaire once I was old enough to control that area of my...