Communication is the most important facet in any relationship, and the lack of it is also unarguably the major challenge that exists among people in this society. In A Time to Talk and a Time to Listen, author and relationship counsellor Tinuola M. Agbabiaka presents practical advice on ways to achieve more effective communication within relationships. This guide provides a thorough understanding of what communication is and discusses the different ways people communicate. It serves as a handbook for facilitating clear and effective communication among couples, their children, in-laws, relatives, neighbours, and friends, and in turn helps achieve healthier relationships among all concerned. Filled with practical tips to help families grow closer, A Time to Talk and a Time to Listen helps ensure relationships are nurtured the right way by speaking, listening, and understanding one another clearly and effectively.

A Time to Talk and a Time to Listen

A Practical Guide to Communication in the HomeBy Tinuola M. Agbabiaka

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2011 Tinuola M. Agbabiaka
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4759-0516-8

Contents

INTRODUCTION......................................................1Chapter One What Is Communication?................................3Chapter Two In the Home...........................................15Chapter Three With Your Spouse....................................23Chapter Four In The Bedroom.......................................35Chapter Five About Your Children..................................43Chapter Six With The Children.....................................47Chapter Seven Relatives...........................................55Chapter Eight In-Laws.............................................65Chapter Nine Friends, Neighbours & Hired Help.....................75Chapter Ten Family................................................79AFTERWORD.........................................................83

Chapter One

WHAT IS COMMUNICATION?

"The biggest mistake is believing there is one right way to listen, to talk, to have a conversation - or a relationship". - Deborah Tannen

Communication is simply put, an exchange between two people. It is a lot more than speaking or hearing. It must be given and received for it to be complete. There are various forms of communication; however the key thing is that communication must be given and accepted for it to be effective.

While many of us feel communication is all about spoken words, statistics show it constitutes only about 7% of communicating. A look, glance or gesture, which constitutes body language, also communicates. Sometimes, words are not necessary. The rest consists of facial expression, tone of voice, body language, perception etc.

Communication can either be deliberate or not deliberate. It differs from culture to culture. What means one thing in one culture may mean something else in another culture.

Everyone has the ability to communicate in one form or the other. Communication is not limited to speech alone. We use a lot of our body parts to communicate. We can communicate with our mouth, hands, eyes, body language etc. There are basically two types of communication —spoken and unspoken. Communication must be constantly present in a relationship for it to survive. It is the only way of keeping up with each other as part of a family or team. As individuals, we change daily as those we interact with also do. Words that we hear and those places that we go influence and change our attitude and perception towards life. Therefore, communication between couples is essential to ensure that the two parties are on the same page, growing together and are not living separate lives.

VERBAL — SPOKEN WORDS

"By words we learn thoughts, and by thoughts we learn life."- Jean Baptiste Girard

Spoken words constitute verbal communication. It involves speech and is vast. In every long-term relationship, verbal communication must be present in order not to be frustrated. Even in inter-racial and inter-tribal relationships, there must be a common language for both parties to converse in to ensure the survival of the union. Every country has its own language with various tribes and religions that also have their local language and/or dialect. Therefore, verbal communication must necessarily include the understanding of the language spoken by any two individuals.

Words must be spoken to the receiver for the communication process to start. Firstly, the speaker must have a clear understanding of the language in order to effectively use it to communicate his/ her thoughts while the recipient must understand the words being spoken. For example, if all the sweet words are spoken to me in French and I do not understand a word of French, it would mean nothing to me.

• POWER OF WORDS

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits". Proverbs 18:21 NASB

Words that proceed out of our mouths are very powerful. They can bring either life or death. Be careful what you say to others and especially what you say to yourself. Negative words eventually translate to negative actions while positive words become positive actions.

According to ancient history, a Greek philosopher asked his servant to provide the best dish possible. The servant prepared a dish of tongue, saying, "It is the best of all dishes, because with it we may bless and communicate happiness, dispel sorrow, remove despair, cheer the faint hearted, inspire the discouraged, and say a hundred other things to uplift mankind." Later the philosopher asked his servant to provide the worst dish of which he could think. A dish of tongue appeared on the table. The servant said, "It is the worst, because with it we may curse and break human hearts; destroy reputations; promote discord and strife; set families, communities, and nations at war with each other." He was a wise servant.

• EDIBLE WORDS

"Be careful of the words you say, keep them short and sweet. You never know, from day to day, which ones you'll have to eat."- Anonymous

Yes, words can be eaten! When we eat words according to the idiom, we take them back and/or admit we were wrong with our statement. We must be careful about the words we speak. It is better to be a man/woman of little words than to be a talkative. When we talk too much, we are prone to not being able to carefully choose our words.

Words can also bear fruits, therefore whichever we deem fit to give to someone else; we will surely eat of its fruit. If you speak life with your words, you will definitely eat its fruit. Also, if you speak death, you will eat the fruits. We must be careful of the words that proceed out of our mouths.

• BENEFICIAL WORDS

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29 NASB

Words that are not beneficial to anyone should not be spoken. We must think and process our thoughts before letting it out. Words spoken must necessarily be of benefit to either the speaker or the listener. Before voicing out thoughts, it is important to check if it is of any benefit.

• CARELESS WORDS

"Bu I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgement" Matthew 12:36 NASB

How often do we speak before thinking? We should take time out to process our thoughts with the following checklist:

Am I using the right words?

Am I directing the words to the right person?

What do I hope to achieve by using these words?

Will it add value to the recipient?

Must I speak these words?

Processing the above checklist quickly will most likely serve as a check for us to refrain from speaking carelessly. Indeed, it is important that we choose our words carefully and ensure the words that proceed out of our mouths have been carefully processed, as we will surely give account for them.

• HURTFUL WORDS

"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things [are] just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things". Philippians 4:8 KJV

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