CHAPTER 1

TOEICIANS & FEETOIANS

Toeicians

I have learned there are tiny creatures that live within the body known asTIPs (tiny inducers of pain). They all live in unique areas of the body butcan travel, if needed, throughout.

The first set of TIPs we will define live in the toes and are known asToeicians. Toeicians have one of the smallest sets of tools to inflictpain—basically one tool—and that is a miniscule icepick. They use thistool with as much vigor and vitality as they see fit in relation to anydamage done to the outside.

Let's take this as an example: You step on the hot sand at the beach. Theymight tap internally with a little pressure just to let you know they arenot happy with your choice to walk without shoes. When you get downto the water and start cooling your feet off, they stop issuing pain.

Now we will take it up a notch: You drop a bowling ball on your toes.That's bad. So they continue to pound away with that pick, adding moreand more pain.

Another degree of added pain would be if you stubbed your toe on ametal bed frame. That is very serious to a Toeician—after all, they weresleeping when you hit your toe. That would mean they were thrown outof bed, and you can imagine how that could piss them off. Or maybethey were having dinner when you stubbed your toe—they would endup with their dinner all over them. These issues are very painful to aToeician, so watch out for full retaliation.

We have also found that even though they are very handy with theirsingle picks and can produce enormous amounts of pain with them,they also have the ability to utilize—perhaps they can rent or borrow—ahigher pressure tool, say like a jack hammer or power hammer.

Remember, TIPs are all connected via mental telepathy into an extensivecommunications network, and know what is going on all over yourbody, but they pay most of their attention to their own area, includingtheir counterpart team, which in this case is the group of Toeicians onthe other foot.

One of the most important issues about Toeicians is not to treat one set oftoes better than the other. Favoring one over the other could possibly causea Hatfield-and-McCoy type of action. TIPs can be very spiteful, and youcertainly don't want one foot trying to cause more pain than the other.

Toeicians like to be pampered, so wash them, rub them with a vitaminE cream or some kind of soothing lotion or conditioner. But mostimportantly, if you do get pain in your toes, apologize directly to theToeicians—even if you don't remember what you did wrong. A simpleapology could make them back off, with this caveat: don't let them catchyou being insincere, for if they do, look out for the pain that comes next.

Now, I heard through the grapevine that Toeicians are one of the groupsthat are allowed to keep pets. This privilege is reserved for certain groupsonly, while for the other guys this is totally verboten. These pets can beseen on television on a widely screened commercial for a foot cream.They are dermatophytes, and in the commercial, you can see them on firegoing under your toenails. If you investigate them via their web page,you will see they are also used for jock itch—and this goes for both menand women. These dermatophytes are an additional, biological weaponto the standard tools issued to a Toeician. I suggest you keep up withthe rules and laws of the Toeician group, for if they consider a violationof toe regulations a serious matter, and they are forced to let loose thesedermatophytes, you may have to run out and purchase that cream! Bythe way, Toeicians seem to enjoy the flavor of the product and spend agood amount of time waiting for their members to have their fill of thattasty cream or spray.

Feetoians

Now these characters are very bold, for they control the remaining partsof the foot that the Toeicians don't. Their tools include a chisel, hammer,and a heel-sensitivity gauge.

I am sure you have, from time to time, had a cramp in the middle of yourinstep. You may have blown it off as a muscle spasm that would go awayin a few minutes, but the truth is that was a Feetoian playing with thesensitivity gauge. As you can see, they can raise the sensitivity of an areaconsiderably. It usually starts with just a little pressure in the ball of yourfoot, which barely gets your notice. So you stomp your foot, and it goesaway, only to return in a few minutes as a full-blown cramp.

This is what happened: When you stomped your foot, you irritated aFeetoian who was checking gauges. So he retaliates by turning up thegauge to induce real pain.

Some of the other areas that can upset a Feetoian are walking barefoot,stepping on something, sitting for a very long time, and wearing a pairof shoes the Feetoians do not like.

To explain the last situation first—I am sure all of you have had a pair ofshoes that always hurt your feet, but sometimes only a little and othertimes pretty badly. Well the Feetoians do not like those shoes, and theseverity of pain you receive depends upon their mood.

Sitting for an extra-long period of time also upsets these TIPs—now youhave a sleeping foot. Again, how long it could take to wake that foot updepends on how bothered by your action (or inaction) they are at thetime.

And finally, walking barefoot and stepping on something: again, itdepends on what you stepped on, but it does not necessarily matterwhat type of visual damage results or the number or severity of cutsand bruises the exterior foot displays. Rather, the amount of pain youexperience depends entirely on the Feetoian or Feetoians on duty atthat time. God forbid they are arguing with a spouse, or missed...