CHAPTER 1

Who Am I?

Have you seen the Disney movie Anastasia? It is the storyof a ten-year-old Russian princess who is separated fromher family. Anastasia receives a wound to her head and is leftwith amnesia. By the time she reaches the age of eighteen, shelongs to know who she is and hopes to find a better life. Onher search she discovers her true identity and finds her truelove. Finding the truth about her heritage replaces yearningand confusion with belonging and the seeds of confidence.The girl who emerges, although timid in confidence, is verystrong in character. She has found her identity.

Anastasia certainly isn't the only one on an identityquest. Recently I read about a club for loners. To join, anapplicant must write to a certain address and explain why she(or he) enjoys being alone. In return she will receive "lonerparaphernalia," the assurance that her name will be includedon an exclusive list, and the promise that—once identified asa loner—she will be left alone. Even the most reclusive andwithdrawn people in our society need to feel that they belongto something. They need "identity."

Young girls try to gain a sense of identity in myriad ways:fashions, hairstyles, activities, jewelry, attachments to rockbands, wealth, size of home, family name and heritage, justto name a few. Their sense of identity shapes who they are. Itaffects their goals and basic belief systems, leading to confidenceor insecurity, rest or restlessness, hope or hopelessness.

Thankfully, our daughters' identities do not need to bedependent on such changeable external forces as trends, looks,and personal image. As believers, we hope to communicatethat everyone's true identity is based on her position in Christand on her inner qualities. But convincing a young girl of thisreality may not be as easy as it sounds. As moms, we need tobe prepared.

Our daughters are uniquely created by God to blossomand grow into beautiful women of His design. These preciousflowers are both tender and strong. Some don't know theirstrength, while others exert it too frequently. The tender side isoften hidden with time. How can we water and prune the flowers,expose them to the light, accept and fashion the thorns todisplay strength and protection, and explore with love all theshades of color in the petals?

Will we do it perfectly? No. Will we make mistakes? Yes.But our daughters are part of God's garden, and He will alwaysguard and protect His own. He knows our finite capabilities, andHe promises to give us His wisdom and discernment as we seekHim with a whole heart. Isn't it amazing that He has entrustedHis precious, developing girl children to us?

It is necessary for us to look closely and lovingly at ourdaughters, to see beyond their youthful charades in order tounderstand their needs.

A wealthy couple stayed in an exclusive private club inParis with their two young daughters. One night their oldestdaughter showed up at a dinner party—where her parents'friends were present—dressed in black leather and accompaniedby a "forbidden" companion. The youngest daughter,looking innocent as a lamb, claimed to be tired and left theparty early. Before returning to the hotel, she sneaked off tosee a cute "English Prince Charming" she had met in an elevatorearlier that day. The parents were very concerned about theovertly disturbed older daughter, and compared her to their"perfect" daughter who was in bed asleep when they arrivedat the hotel after midnight.

Both girls were clamoring for the same guidance fromMom and Dad. They simply had different ways of communicatingtheir needs. It eventually came out that the youngerdaughter was sneaking out regularly and putting herself incompromising positions with various boys. The parents wereshocked, but they finally recognized that both girls were cryingout in their own ways, "Help me find out who I am!"

We parents are often tempted to fix the crisis situation—whateverit is—quickly. Ban the trendy clothes. Impound theCDs. Confiscate the makeup. Provide a crash course in appropriateand inappropriate behavior with the opposite sex. Thesesolutions may be good and necessary, but they will only betemporary unless we deal with one specific core question.

How can we help our daughters answer the question, whoam I?

In the movie Titanic, the leading female character, Rose,has a very predictable life. She was born into wealth with theunderstanding that she might lose it all if she doesn't marrywell. She is expected to use her position in society to protecther family name and carry on her privileged legacy.

Rose appears to know who she is and what is expected ofher. Yet inside she sees someone else—someone who doesn'tfit her mother's expectations and is crying to get out and awayfrom the cold, overbearing man she is to marry.

Desperate, Rose decides to end her life....