Abuse in the church is real. The place where one expects to find love, inspiration, and healing can become the very place where harm and destruction occur. Sadly, pastors and church leaders can bring abuse to their people through the use of a rigid and harsh approach to leadership. Other leaders are indifferent about what happens at church. When legalism and self-righteousness dominate or permissiveness is pervasive, the church that God intended is destroyed. In Understanding Abusive Church Leadership: What It Looks Like and How It Debilitates the Life and Spirit of Church Members, author Judy R. De Wit presents a challenge to you to identify what kind of leadership your church uses. Once you determine its approach, you can determine what changes your church should make to enhance a healthier church environment-one that leads to a better church for everyone. Christ's mandate for His Church is for it to be a place of healing, restoration, and recovery. Everyone should feel safe to be a member. Understanding Abusive Church Leadership seeks to equip you to help your church to serve God as He intended.

Understanding Abusive Church Leadership

What It Looks Like and How It Debilitates the Life and Spirit of Church MembersBy Judy R. De Wit

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2012 Judy R. De Wit
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4759-2674-3

Contents

Acknowledgments.......................................................................viiNote from the Author..................................................................ixIntroduction..........................................................................xiPart I Rigid Church Leadership........................................................1Chapter 1 At the First Self-Righteous Church..........................................3Chapter 2 Rigid and Spiritually Abusive Churches......................................7Chapter 3 The Effects of Rigid and Spiritually Abusive Churches.......................17Chapter 4 Stories of Rigid and Spiritually Abusive Churches...........................25Part II Chaotic Church Leadership.....................................................37Chapter 5 At the Community Church of Chaos............................................39Chapter 6 Chaotic and Spiritually Abusive Churches....................................43Chapter 7 The Effects of Chaotic and Spiritually Abusive Churches.....................51Chapter 8 Stories of Chaotic and Spiritually Abusive Churches.........................59Part III Healthy Church Leadership....................................................65Chapter 9 At the Healthy, Spiritually Rich Church.....................................67Chapter 10 Healthy and Spiritually Rich Churches......................................71Chapter 11 The Effects of Healthy and Spiritually Rich Churches.......................81Chapter 12 Stories of Healthy and Spiritually Rich Churches...........................91Conclusion............................................................................105Chapter 13 Determining Your Church's Leadership Style.................................107References............................................................................109

Chapter One

At the First Self-Righteous Church

But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach. Matt. 23:3

She was confused about faith, religion, and what church was. Her confusion about the church of her childhood fueled her desire to come to counseling to talk about all three. When asked what church she grew up in, she couldn't remember the name of it, except that she thought it should be called First Self-Righteous Church.

In that childhood church, Renee grew up believing that God was an angry God. One rule at her church was not to make God angry, for if she should, God would punish.

This punitive God made her anxious. She worried about nearly everything she did or said because she was never quite sure how God's anger worked. From the time she was young through her adult years, her anxiety grew right along with her fear of God.

Out of that anxiety grew her "what if" thinking. She was constantly fearful that if she made a mistake, God would be angry with her. And if God was angry at her, what should she do about it? Should she repent repeatedly, beat herself up, shame herself, and live in guilt for what she did? Is that what would make God happy again?

Convinced that keeping God happy was the way to go, Renee did her best to obey all the rules. And the First Self-Righteous Church had a lot of them. There were rules about dress, being nice, hardwork, gossip and slander, church attendance, headship, and how to behave in the community. There were rules about relationships, sex, dating, Sunday observance, marriage, and parenting. Anger and sadness were considered inappropriate by the people of the First Self-Righteous Church and Renee remembers being told that she should never express how she really felt about things. So whether she felt sad, scared, or angry, the rule was to tell herself she was okay and move on. It was clear to her that no member was ever supposed to have a problem at the First Self-Righteous Church.

Renee explained that the church rules were specifically defined in these ways. Members were to be friendly and outgoing, smile and laugh often, offer help to others, and have a good work ethic. Members were never to cuss, lie, or cheat. Openly, no one was ever to gossip or slander anyone, share rumors that were heard at the grocery store, or be critical of another. Young people from the First Self-Righteous Church were only to date those who belonged to their church. Sex was not an item of discussion, and drinking alcohol was prohibited. Heavy doses of shame and guilt were used if there was a teen pregnancy and public confession was required for any woman who had an affair.

There were issues regarding the leadership style of the church. The main law at the First Self-Righteous Church was simply to "do as we say." That meant that when the church leaders said something, everyone followed. Debate, discussion, or review of issues was not allowed. It was expected that members do whatever the leadership said, because they were the leaders and because they were appointed by God to serve as pastors and elders. Not only was it expected that the members would obey, but also that leadership was to be respected just because they were the leaders. And should any challenge be raised by a member, the issue and the member were quickly silenced.

The "do as we say" leadership style at the First Self-Righteous Church provided a long list of do's and don'ts for the church members. Women were never to teach a Bible study if a male was in attendance, jewelry and fine clothes were prohibited, and it was considered submissive if a woman endured abuse by an angry husband. Members were to keep strict Sunday observance. This meant that there was to be no buying or selling on Sundays, no weekly activities such as bike riding, using scissors, or watching television, and members were to attend both church services, no matter what the weather.

Church was hard, but so was home. Renee recalls many vicious fights with her brothers and her parents. Hitting, throwing things, bad language, and anger were common household events, and Renee tried to be the peacemaker in the midst of everything. Her mom drank too much, dad owned magazines that were inappropriate, and sneak-outs by her brothers were common. The conflict between what happened at church and what happened at home caused her to grow up feeling very confused about what was right and what was wrong.

That's what brought her to counseling. As tears flowed and anger surfaced, she realized that much of her depression was about the conflicting messages of her childhood. Now as an adult she couldn't sort it all out. It made no sense. How was she to act when the message from church said to do all the things the Bible said, but her family showed hostile and harsh treatment toward one another? How was she to set and use boundaries with others when she saw her dad hiding bad magazines and then flirting with women in the community? How was she to respond appropriately to alcohol and drinking when the church outlawed any drinking and her mom had bottles of alcohol hidden throughout the house? Why were there two standards of how to live?

The First Self-Righteous Church had a significant role in Renee's confused thinking. Let's look closer at how the impact and influence of this kind of church can have a devastating effect on someone like Renee—and maybe you.

Chapter Two

Rigid and Spiritually Abusive Churches

He replied, "Isaiah...