CHAPTER 1

Presence

Key #1 PRESENCE (Be still, observe, and listen)

The first key to unlocking the genius within our children is our abilityto be still and be present. From the moment our children are born,we have the opportunity to be present and observe their everymove. We learn how they like to be held, what their cries mean, andwhat makes them laugh. We find that parenting is most enjoyablewhen we are present, relaxed, and experience the world throughour children's eyes. The more we can share our child's perspective,the more we enjoy our role as a parent and all of the gifts this bundleof joy brings our way.

I recently had an opportunity to practice presence with one of mybest friend's children. Her daughter Nev is three year's old, andrecently has become one of my best friends. How did this happen?Well, Nev attends our preschool and daycare. Often, when she isin the daycare room, I will go in there to check in with the teachersand to observe the children at play. Nev loves to invite me to playwith her. As her enthusiasm is infectious, I can hardly resist. And,since we "play" about once a week in this fashion, we have becomebest friends.

Just last week, I invited Nev to go on a play date with me. My ownboys are teenagers now, and while I still love to do activities withthem, I don't get to play "babies" at the toy store. This was goingto be a blast and both Nev and I knew it! If you have never gone ona play date with a three year old, I highly recommend it. It is theperfect opportunity to practice presence, but it is also great forbuilding self-esteem. When I arrived to pick up Nev from her home,she leaped into my arms and gave me the biggest hug ever!

The joy of her greeting set the tone for the day.

Once Nev and I arrived at the toy store, I became lost in her world.I let her lead me from area to area and show me in her three-year-old way to play. From reading books, to puppet shows, to playingin the kitchen, to putting babies to sleep, I became lost in theworld of Nev. Before I knew it, an hour and a half had gone by. Iam embarrassed to say that while I often played with my own boyswhen they were young, I for the most part wasn't 100 percentpresent for them. I'd go with them to toy stores, the park, or thepool; but in my head, I usually had my own agenda. I did not taketime to be present and experience the world through their eyes asI did that day with Nev.

To "be present" is to live in the moment. People with great presenceare excellent listeners and truly care about the people they are withat any given moment. They are not thinking about past or the futurewhen in the presence of another. People with strong presence makethose around them feel important. Do you know anyone like this?

The enemy of presence is busyness. This can be in the form ofactual tasks performed or simply a busy mind. When we move frompresence to busyness, we tend to experience feelings of frustrationand impatience. Sometimes we even forget that our childrenare children and expect them to be like us and think like us. Wemistakenly think it is our child's job to change and become like us. Forexample, I absolutely love activities that quiet me. Some examplesof what I enjoy are great food, wine, enriching conversations, and aterrific jazz band. My youngest son enjoys more active activities. Heis happiest jumping on a trampoline, playing hockey, or racing on adirt bike. I used to try to get him to always take part in my interests.I justified this by telling him he needed to be well-rounded and seethe world from many points of view. As a result, my son is not apicky eater, he enjoys jazz music, and will even go with me to anart museum. This is wonderful, but by only trying to get my son tosee things my way instead of me also trying to see things his way,I was missing out on the lessons and gifts that he has to offer me.Once I decided to play football with him, jump on the trampoline,and learn to enjoy hockey, a whole new world opened up to me.While I still prefer a jazz concert to a hockey game, I find I now haveenriched my life by opening up my mind to new things. This is notonly true of participating in our child's hobbies and interests, but intheir thought process and emotions as well.

By being present, we can better coach our children through theiremotions. It is imperative that we, as the adult in our child's life, staycalm and demonstrate that our emotions are in control. I realizethis is very difficult while a child is throwing a tantrum, hitting, orrunning around—but we do need to model the correct emotionalbehavior. Having the patience to stay present with your child, andreally try to see what caused the reaction in the first place is soimportant. As adults, we like to assume or assess our children'sbehavior based on what we think they are thinking. Sometimes, weare very wrong. For example, just this morning a little girl in one ofour preschool rooms impulsively ran over and hit one of the newchildren who walked into the room. She wasn't angry at all with thischild, she was just overwhelmed with the emotion of excitement.Instead of shaming this excited little girl, her teacher simply verifiedher feelings, then coached her. It went something like this. "Suzy,I can tell you are so excited that Ellie is here today. I'm excited tooand I have all sorts of feelings about that. When we get that excited,let's jump up and down next time or clap our hands. We can't hitEllie because that hurts her." Then she had Suzy apologize to Ellie.Finally, before returning to play, the teacher had Suzy repeat backto her she will do next time.

Raising and teaching children is extremely rewarding when wewatch and listen carefully to them. Putting ourselves in the roleof a coach or teacher, versus a stern disciplinarian, gives us morepositive energy as well.

I will never forget the day I truly became a teacher. I was teachingin a middle school at the time. It was my first year in a middleschool after teaching in an elementary school for four years. Iabsolutely loved this particular class as I had taught them in thesecond grade, fifth grade, and then sixth grade. I had been able towatch my students grow up before my eyes, and I loved them. Theonly difficulty I had was...