CHAPTER 1
Underdogs
One of the most common statements I hear from clients is "I want me back." Isn't that what you really want back too?
It's hard to think that you have a shot at getting yourself back. You feel like such a failure. You've already lost many important things, including your self-respect, self-confidence, and security. You don't know what lies ahead for you – and it's terrifying. You might be facing the possibility of losing your house, your money, and even your dignity if the divorce gets nasty.
You feel like the least likely person on earth to make a comeback. You are the underdog. Welcome to the club.
When you are the underdog because of divorce and damaged self-esteem, you feel like no one champions you. You are undervalued, an unlikely victor. Underdogs don't win or lose because of how others perceive them, or value them. They win because their opinion of their ability to succeed comes from within. They refuse to give up on themselves.
At the beginning of the divorce process, you are already so low, so defeated. And the anxiety about who will get what in the settlement can be overwhelming. You don't want to "fail" in that respect either. But if you only adhere to the clinical approach of divorce, the nuts and bolts of property distribution, parenting plans, etc., and ignore the psychological issues of divorce, you will fail again.
The best movies have it all, tragedy and triumph, heartbreak and love. They all share the common elements of suffering and overcoming. When faced with dramatic obstacles and loss, the adversity thrusts the protagonist into what's known as the "character arc". The arc accelerates maturity and growth, but only when the choice to fight for victory is made. The best movie heroes and memorable characters aren't the ones who let the sword lie – but rather, in their weakest hour, bend down and grab hold, facing the unknown with courage and commitment. They fight for their redemption.
Please pick up the sword. In this book, I'm giving you the tools you need to overcome, the clinical tools and the humanistic tools. I'm handing you scripts, and feeding you the lines. Do you have the courage to follow?
And that's what lies beneath my cast of characters. I've always been the underdog. Granted, there were times when I've been the underdog that no one roots for. We're all underdogs if we want to be - or we hide at home with our head under the covers.
CHAPTER 2
How do I Know My Marriage is Over?
Most people contemplating divorce look for assurance that their decision, whatever it may be, will bring them happiness and peace. This is why there are so many websites and books on this very topic. It's big business to give people what they want from a guide to help them make this significant decision. They are looking for a guide which makes them feel secure in the knowledge that it's "the secret" to deciding whether to divorce. After making this decision for myself twice, and after seeing thousands of clients struggle with it as well, I can tell you the one thing I know for sure – nothing worth having comes free, and the most important part of this decision-making process is putting in the work to find your answer.
People need a guide that makes them accountable and doesn't let them off the hook. The only way to find peace with your decision to divorce is by accepting personal responsibility for the decision. My guide to determining whether your marriage is over applies to everyone, no matter what condition your self-esteem is, or what kind of a spouse you have. This is because, if you've been in a marriage that has damaged your self-esteem, or you feel uncertain about how to reach the decision to stay or go, this section of the book is for you. Feeling uncertain is common, and I think it's a good thing. It means you're giving the decision to divorce the attention and consideration it deserves. It is not something that should be casually entered into. The decision is complex with endless consequences to consider.
Most significantly, divorce breaks up a family. Beyond that, there are many challenging psychological, emotional and financial repercussions resulting from divorce. If you honestly know there is no acceptable alternative to divorce, you will implicitly have peace in your heart. There will be no need to justify anything. Justification is like rationalization. People engage in rationalization to make excuses for their behavior, actions and decisions. If you truly cannot find one acceptable alternative to divorce that allows you to honor your dignity and integrity, and rebuild your self-esteem, there's no need for a single excuse. That is not an excuse. That is an eyes wide open, well-considered, pronouncement of what is and what is not acceptable in your life. It declares what you will and will not tolerate, excuse, or ignore in your life from now on. This is about your honor.
If you aren't guarding your honor, who is? Honestly being able to say that to yourself requires that you can't harbor any secret thoughts such as "well, maybe if I tried counseling ...", or "gee, if I tried to sit down and explain why I'm so unhappy, maybe."
No. If you have these secret whispers in your ear as you ask yourself this question, you will not find peace about your decision in the long run. The last thing you want is to look back and wonder if you made the right decision, particularly if you have children. You must exhaust all possible avenues of restoration, correction, forgiveness, therapy, communication, and love.
You know it's over when you can honestly say this sentence to yourself, and feel at peace after you say it:
"I cannot find one acceptable alternative to divorce which allows me to honor my dignity and integrity, and rebuild my self-esteem."
You, not Aunt Ethel, not your drinking buddy Marty, not your overbearing mother or your outspoken, loud-mouthed friends – you are the only one who can make the decision because you are truly the only one who can answer it based on ALL the evidence and ALL the circumstances.
Many people end their marriages in haste. They are so consumed by resentment and frustration, and their emotions dictate this life-altering decision. The best way to decide to divorce is to use all your resources, not just your emotions and heart, but also your head and your spirit. Often, people only rely on their emotions when contemplating divorce.
It's easy to say "well, we fell out of love", or "I just don't love her anymore". That is a preposterous reason to divorce. That's like saying "I married him because I liked him". There has to be more to it than that in order for the decision to work out successfully.
So, once you aren't relying strictly on your emotions, you have to look elsewhere for certainty and clues as to whether the marriage can be salvaged. It is a decision that should require sacrifices - you must do what you do not want to do in order to be certain there is nothing else to...
