CHAPTER 1
HOW DO YOU SEPARATE?
Chapter Summary
In this chapter, we aim to guide you through the process of the initial separation and show you how to commence discussions with your former partner to resolve all the issues arising from a relationship breakdown. The lessons to be discussed in this chapter are as follows:
Lesson 1 — Identify and Open Up to Your Support Network at the Start of the Separation Process
Lesson 2 — Start the Process by Notifying Your Former Partner That the Relationship Is Over
Lesson 3 — Carefully Work Out Your Post-Separation Living Arrangements with Your Support Network and Financial Advisor
Lesson 4 — Tailor Your Negotiation Approach to Your Former Partner's Emotional Status
Lesson 5 — Act Quickly to Protect Yourself if Faced with the Risk of Violence, and Act to Mitigate Your Risk of Being Falsely Accused of Violence
Taking the Leap
People often meet with a lawyer for the first time some months prior to their engaging that lawyer to assist them through a family law dispute. Why is there this gap? The main reason is that the decision to separate from one's partner can be an extremely difficult one with a myriad of consequences. No one takes the decision to separate lightly. In fact, the decision is quite often the culmination of months (or years) of forethought and planning. There are many things to consider and there are many things to plan, both of which we explore in this chapter.
In any scenario, making the decision to separate is a big one, and it is forever life-altering (albeit often positive). The decision to separate is akin to "taking a leap," as it requires bravery and a commitment to throw oneself into the unknown. There is no guarantee of anything. There is no safety net. You are taking a chance that your life is going to be better as a result of this dramatic life move. There are many facets of separation that need to be considered prior to taking that leap, and we have set them out in this chapter.
LESSON 1
Identify and Open Up to Your Support Network at the Start of the Separation Process
The Importance of Emotional Support
When you are starting the process of ending a relationship, one of the key factors at play is the support of loved ones and professionals. When pursuing separation, people tend to think of themselves as being isolated. They often excommunicate themselves from social groups and lose joint friendships enjoyed during the relationship. This is the opposite of what should occur. The period of separation is truly a time in which the person on the journey should reach out to, and remain connected and engaged with, the people in his or her life. While separation can be burdensome in many ways, the burden on newly separated people is substantially reduced when they have trusted people they can speak to. Great examples of personal supports can be loved ones such as adult children, siblings, parents, friends, and even a new life partner. These familial and friend-based supports can be used to discuss the problems you are facing, provide you with informal advice, and just get your mind off things for a while.
In addition to the informal support family and friends can offer in an especially emotionally gruelling break up, you can seek out professional support to help you cope. Some examples of professional supporters are counsellors, life coaches, mentors, religious leaders, and mental health professionals, such as psychologists and psychiatrists. There can be great value to a person seeking professional support while dealing with a family relationship crisis. Lawyers are often the first professionals approached for advice, but they are not the best professionals to assist clients with the emotional and mental health aspects of their personal lives; it is simply not what lawyers are trained to do. A good lawyer will, however, identify issues and refer a client to appropriate trusted professionals who can provide mental health and/or emotional support services. In addition, it is important to know that in our social media age, there is a multitude of online support available for the newly separated, covering issues such as parenting, managing your emotions, and moving on. Before you take the first step towards implementing a separation, we recommend that you consolidate and understand your support network so that it is available when you will need to rely on it. Without that support in place, you risk an overpowering sense of isolation, which can (at best) undermine your attempts to end the relationship or (at worst), put you in a position where your ability to negotiate a sensible end to the relationship is compromised. Such a compromise can produce serious disadvantage on an emotional or a financial level.
Example: Bill and Mary had been together for thirty years. Bill was a narcissist who was totally controlling throughout the relationship. Mary, who was sixty and hadn't been in the workforce for twenty years, wanted 50 per cent of their total assets. Bill didn't use a lawyer and was not giving an inch. Bill argued over everything, so Mary's legal costs were escalating. Bill believed Mary's contribution was worth only 30 per cent of the assets. Mary knew she would get 50 per cent if she went to court, but she was emotionally drained. She felt alone and worn down and just wanted out, so she accepted 30 per cent of their assets.
LESSON 2
Start the Process by Notifying Your Former Partner That the Relationship Is Over
What Is a Legal Separation?
There is a common misconception that separation is a formal process that has to be legally documented before it is valid. In reality, separation is a question of fact. If you ask yourself if you consider your relationship to be over and the answer is yes, then you are probably separated. That means you can be separated from your partner and still be living in the same house, still be sharing the responsibilities for children, and still be sharing expenses such as mortgage repayments and council rates. If you consider your relationship to have ended, you should communicate that clearly to your former partner at the outset.
Of course, there are many situations in which telling your former partner that you regard your relationship as being over is very difficult. There could be a risk of physical or emotional violence. In those circumstances, communicating the end of the relationship to your partner needs to be carefully managed in conjunction with your support network. Options for letting your former partner know of your view may include relocating away from the house before announcing your intention, announcing your intention in the presence of members of your support network, or asking your partner to leave the house while you...
