The Get-Over-Yourself Self-Help Book and Other Essays presents a collection of vignettes, narratives, and rants that detail the often absurd business of getting on with life. In an attempt to aspire to a so-called higher life, many of us fear both death and youth, reaching for perfection through the latest technical gadgets that encourage us to cling to preconceived notions of ourselves and to define ourselves through a text message. But is that really any way to truly live? Baby boomer columnist and curmudgeon Sylvia Shawcross believes that satirists have a purpose in this world-to help others to laugh at the absurdity of life. In her second compilation of humorous reflections, Shawcross begins with a hilarious recounting of the frustrating chain of events that occur when she attempts to replace a broken remote at the electronics store and continues with a series of lighthearted essays where she reveals the unconventional and often wacky behavior of those she encounters daily. From the reasons behind rampant consumerism to the forced reprogramming behind ten-digit dialing, Shawcross contemplates issues of global importance while encouraging all of us to wake up and smell the high-priced latté-for sadly, as she says, this is just how it is. The Get-Over-Yourself Self-Help Book and Other Essays provides an eye-opening, amusing glimpse into the mind of a curmudgeon in all her unabashed glory.

The Get-Over-Yourself Self-Help Book and Other Essays

The Collected Works of a Misunderstood CurmudgeonBy Sylvia Shawcross

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2011 Sylvia Shawcross
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4620-6086-3

Contents

Foreword.......................................................ixAcknowledgements...............................................xiThe Backward Section...........................................xiiiPost-Backward Section..........................................xixIntroduction...................................................xxiWhy People Go Postal...........................................1Kentucky Bleu Grass Blues......................................9In Flanders's Fields the Coffee Grows..........................14Leave It to the Beaver.........................................17Invest in NASA!................................................19Stop the War Against Mosquitoes!...............................21Say Whatever You Bleeping Want.................................23Stop the Evildoers!............................................25Green Light Blues..............................................27A Knowledgeable Friendly Story.................................30The Turn of the Screw..........................................33Dealing with Difficult People..................................36Multiculturalism in the New Society............................38The Ghost of Christmas Future..................................41Boxed In.......................................................44Say Cheese!....................................................46Einstein's Time Management.....................................49Snails and Puppy Dog Tails.....................................52Defending Tradition............................................55The Thing That Wouldn't Go Away................................58Metaphor.......................................................61A Glass Half Empty.............................................64Age Spots......................................................67On the Existence of God........................................69Licorice and Old Lace..........................................71Light Traveling in a Vacuum....................................74The Smile of a Sphinx..........................................77E-gads and E-mail..............................................79Living in the Fray.............................................82The Firefly Fields of Gleneagle................................85The Appliance is the Message...................................87Humidex Values.................................................89Wooden Spoons and Eyebrows.....................................91High Speed in Hell.............................................93Concrete Impressions...........................................96Time Warps.....................................................98Ten-Digit Hand Gliding.........................................100Einstein's Lesser Known Theory.................................103Tutti-Frutti Squared...........................................106How to Lead a Simple Life......................................109A Hallowe'en Scary Story.......................................114A Kafka Christmas..............................................119A History of Shopping..........................................121Myrtle of Alcove...............................................125Eggnog Cappuccino..............................................128A Leap of Faith................................................130Grey-haired Guinea Pigs........................................133The Bar-Code Barbarians........................................136Stalking Murray Orlando........................................138The Butterfly Monologues.......................................141The Chickadee..................................................144Opus 67 in B-Flat-Screen.......................................146Banking on Fear................................................148Greedful Things................................................151Cherry Nougat Flame Delight....................................153The Get-Over-Yourself Self-Help Book...........................155Putting Stress on Hold.........................................158Leacock Latté.............................................161Window Pains...................................................164Coal Dust Lament...............................................166Elderberry Whine...............................................168How to be a Snarky Bitch.......................................170Is It Safe?....................................................173The Eyes of Mars...............................................176Phoney Baloney.................................................179A Parent's Necessity...........................................182Crack Credit...................................................184Diamonds before Swine..........................................186Much Ado About To-Do...........................................188Floored........................................................191Transmogulated SIV's...........................................193It's a Warm World After All....................................196A Winter's Day.................................................198A Neighbourhood Christmas......................................201Inclement Weather..............................................204Stop Everything!...............................................207Traitors.......................................................209Catatonia......................................................211Pressure? What Pressure?.......................................213Feeding the Machine: The Pre-Job Interview.....................216Feeding the Machine: The Job Interview.........................219Remotely Controlled............................................221Stoogeology by G Budziszewski..................................224Please Don't Feed the Banksters................................226Water Water Everywhere.........................................228Shopping Cart Psychology.......................................230The Black Fly Effect...........................................233Stop the Dog!..................................................235Apple Cores....................................................237Sailing Through Life...........................................240A Bad Hair Day.................................................242DisCERNning Minds..............................................245Reality Bites..................................................247Gizzards and Gizmos............................................249Pretty in Pink.................................................251Measuring Happiness............................................254Been Tired Lately?.............................................256The Fifth Winter...............................................258Frugal Frights.................................................260Whereto Webpitaph?.............................................263American Thanksgiving..........................................266Cape Breton/Quebec Relations...................................269The Unbearable Lightness of Beans..............................272Wallsmart......................................................275Decorative Details.............................................278The ER Zone....................................................281Google Smoogle.................................................284The Unspeakable...